To be or not to be...Friends with X

Unfortunately, I was unable to attend Saturday night’s fundraising event due to significant snowfall (I guess meeting Mr. Right will have to wait!) which left me “all dressed up with nowhere to go!” So much for picking out my “little black dress”, my red high heels and jewellery, straightening my hair and “doing” my make-up (for me that means eye shadow, mascara and lip gloss!). Of course, I looked HOT...wearing my trusted Spanx under the dress! Have you ever been all dressed up with no place to go? What are you supposed to do when that happens? Do you call a friend and say “let’s go out...I’m all dressed up with no place to go?” or do you just go out to a bar or pub (depending on how dressed up you are!)? Or do you go home and put on your pyjamas (and wash all of that makeup off of your face!)? Or do you call an ex?

My last relationship ended pretty badly over 6+ months ago and I have not talked to X since we parted ways. Unfortunately, I have seen X a few times in town and it has been extremely awkward. I usually look away to avoid eye contact or run in the opposite direction (yes, it was that bad!). He has tried to contact me but I have refused to talk to him. I just thought it would be easier to move on (no, I’m not very good with confrontations or conflicts so I’ve been known to run away when things get bad rather than face it...no, I’m not proud of it, hence the therapist!). After numerous attempts to contact me, I finally agreed to talk to X so we went for a walk last week (I know the people who love me are cringing right now but don’t worry, I won’t make that mistake again!). So...about the walk...well...wait for it...I was pleasantly surprised! After our walk, I felt at peace with the relationship. I was able to acknowledge mostly his my role in the unravelling of the relationship as did X. We apologized (the power of a word...sorry!) for all of the nasty and horrible things we said to each other (how can you go from saying “I love you” to saying what I would consider unspeakable?) and we were even able to hug each other at the end of our walk. I know that I will never (I know, I know, never say never!) want to be in a relationship with X again because too much shit has been said, too much damage has been done, and too much pain has been inflicted but does that mean I can’t be friends with X?

Have you ever had a successful friendship with an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, ex-fiancé, ex-wife or ex-husband? Sadly (or maybe that’s a good thing?), I’ve never been able to maintain a friendship with an ex so I can’t help but wonder if it would be any different with X. When faced with such a question, I always go to my handy-dandy pro/con list. It has never let me down in the past so why not see what the outcome of my pro/con list will be this time. Since the blog template is not conducive to having a pro/con list, I’ll just list my thoughts on the subject (feel free to add your thoughts...the more information we have, the more accurate the result!):

· By the time a relationship ends, too much damage has been done (in this case, we went way passed the expiry date of our relationship!).

· Depending on the circumstances, one person may have been betrayed in the relationship so any type of relationship may be beyond repair (betrayal comes in different forms – what is considered betrayal to one person, may not be to another...it’s all relative!).

· Not only is there a constant reminder of the bad times but do you want to be constantly reminded of the good times too? Do you remember when your ex made you laugh? Or when he/she knew exactly what to do to turn your day around (or turn that frown upside down)? Or the little things that person used to do to help you? Do you really want to be friends with someone who made you feel like you were on top of the world for a brief moment in time? Is that healthy?

· How much time does it take “to get over someone”?

· What if you end up as friends then progress to friends with benefits then you end up as a couple again? Is it inevitable that history will be repeated? Do you want to get your heart broken or be the heart breaker again? Is it worth the risk?

· What if you started out as friends? Does that mean that you can end as friends?

· How does intimacy affect a friendship? You have seen them naked! How many friends have you seen naked? What about physical and sexual chemistry? Or what if only one of you is still attracted to the other?

· What if you still get butterflies in your stomach when you’re around him/her? Or is that a knot in the pit of your stomach?

· What if the other person wants more than just a friendship? How does that affect your friendship?

· Will having a friendship with your ex hinder your ability to start a new relationship with someone who is much better for you?

· Memories of the tryst will always be triggered in one way or another (just a word, or a look or even a song or a movie).

· Don’t you have to end something (maybe even resolve it?) before you start something new (with someone different!)?

· Do those feelings of resentment, betrayal or bitterness ever go away?

· Do you want to have a constant reminder of what went wrong? Of who was responsible? What if you don’t agree on what caused the break-up? Will that get revisited over and over again?

· If you are both single when you decide to be friends, what happens if one of you has a date or starts a new relationship? How will you feel? How will the person you or your ex is dating feel about him/her being friends with an ex?

Whether it’s rational or not, all of those feelings are real! How do/would all of those thoughts and feelings affect a friendship?

According to Janice Levine, Ph.D., author of Why Do Fools Fall in Love?, "to keep your life moving in a healthy direction, you need to determine exactly where an ex fits into your life, or he'll continue to affect you and your future relationships."

Well, on Saturday I decided to call X to see if he wanted to go hockey skates, stick and puck shopping with me since he knows hockey and the equipment needed to play (remember my February 12th hockey game? If not, please read my blog post – Eleanor’s words of wisdom). We actually had a really nice time (I ended up not finding skates or stick or puck) and I enjoyed spending time with X but I must admit that all of the thoughts listed above were very much on my mind. Nonetheless, it was still nice. (FYI – I was not dressed up when I went hockey-stuff shopping with X!)

Honestly though, if my BFF asked me whether or not she should be friends with an ex, I would say NO!!! (particularly if she was in my situation!). It all seems too complicated and the risk of heartbreak seems too high but this is a process...to hopefully heal old wounds. I don’t believe anything good can come of it but if you feel differently, feel free to share your story! In the meantime, I will take Dr. Levine’s advice and figure out where X fits into my life.  Don't worry, I won't be stoopid...I will be very cautious!!!

This entire discussion (with myself!) has made me wonder if it’s even possible to have a platonic relationship with the opposite sex but we’ll save that topic for another blog post!

P.S. This has been a great therapy session! Thanks for listening...and not charging me :)

P.P.S. For those of you who are in a happy and healthy relationship...be thankful!!!