F-A-R-T

Flatulence, flatus (the scientific name!), gas, gassers, stinkers, air biscuits, bombers, rotten eggs, and wet ones are all synonyms of...F-A-R-T (the noun!).

Pass gas,  break wind,  blast, rip one,  let one fly,  step on a duck, and cut the cheese are all synonyms of...F-A-R-T (the verb!).

Why is that word so offensive to people? It’s so reprehensible that I have to spell it out! Isn’t it just a part of our physiological make-up? So why do people get so upset? Hmmm...how can I put this nicely...maybe because f-a-r-t-s produce a horrible stench!!! Which has me wondering (big surprise!) why do farts smell and why do some farts smell worse than others? Well, my extensive research has resulted in the following:  the odour comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans which contain sulfur (the smell of rotten eggs!) so the more sulfur-rich your diet, the more sulfides and mercaptans will be produced by the bacteria in your gut, and the more your farts will stink.  Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce lots of farts that aren't necessarily stinky. TMI (too much information) ALERT!!! I know when I eat sugar, my gas smells worse than when I don’t (yes, I have actually gone for a very, very, very short, probably a second or a nano second short period of time without sugar so I have been able to test my hypothesis! Actually, tomorrow I will be starting an 11-day detox that will eliminate sugar from my diet (I’ll tell you more about it tomorrow) so maybe I should call it the gas-be-gone diet!

Is it a sign of disrespect if someone passes gas in your presence? What if they have an actual disorder that causes them to flatulate (O thou holy spell-checker...what is the problem ...isn’t flatulate a verb?)?  So if I had a medical problem (that was documented, of course!) would flatulating be socially acceptable?

And why is it socially unacceptable to talk about it? You fart, I fart (mine don't smell as bad as yours though, ahem!) so why the big secret? I'm embarrassed proud to say that my friends and I regularly talk about gas and bowel movements (now that’s a topic for another day because right now we need to focus on gas!). Nothing is off limits with us! Okay, maybe some things are off limits and I can’t wait to blog about them I would never talk about them in my blog! Last night, one of my besties (she will remain nameless) revealed that hot peppers gives her (and I quote) “a sore ass”. I absolutely refuse to believe that it’s important to have these conversations with your friends. Can you imagine how your friend would feel if you invited her over for dinner and served hot peppers? Well...wait for it...she would feel shitty...literally :)

I'll admit it, I’m pretty embarrassed when one escapes and so I do apologize to those around me (including myself because you all know that your f-a-r-t-s are sometimes offensive even to you!) but when I get strange looks or when people say “ewwww gross!” I naturally respond with “like you’ve never farted before!” It's called psychological projection and it works every time!!!

Okay, I’ll admit that the prude in me is pretty repulsed by this blog post and even more so by the plethora of websites dedicated to farts. Come on you sick disturbed people, farts aren’t that cool!

So what is it about the word F-A-R-T that disgusts (or amuses!) people? Well, according to Wikipedia (surprise!), fart is an English language vulgarism most commonly used in reference to flatulence. The word "fart" is generally considered unsuitable in a formal environment by modern English speakers, and it may be considered vulgar or offensive in some situations. Fart can be used as a noun or a verb. Fart is sometimes used as a non-specific derogatory epithet, often to refer to 'an irritating or foolish person', and potentially an elderly person, described as an 'old fart'. This may be taken as an insult when used in the second or third person, but can potentially be a term of endearment, or an example of self deprecatory humour when used in the first person.

Who knew that the word F-A-R-T would be taken so seriously?!?

Okay, so it’s cute to be called “fart” as a term of endearment and it’s okay to refer to Mom and Dad the elderly as “old farts” and it’s somewhat okay to talk about farts with family and friends and to some extent it’s okay to fart in front of someone you love (when you love someone, you love what comes out of them, right?) as long as there’s an escape route if it’s “deadly” (that means no farting in the car!) but what is unacceptable to me is farting in public! Geesh...ever heard of holding it in??? I doubt anyone has ever died of holding in a fart...right???

So speaking of farts....I'd like to share a new recipe with you. I know, I know...how wretched am I? All this talk of F-A-R-T just because I needed a segue for a new recipe that I tried on Sunday!!!

Maple-baked beans (vegetarian and gluten-free)

3 cups (750mL) dried navy beans
2 tbsp (30mL) EVOO (extra-virgin olive oil)
1 onion, diced
1 Granny Smith apple, peeled and diced
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 tbsp (15mL) dry mustard
2 tsp (10mL) chilli powder
½ tsp (2mL) salt
Pinch cayenne pepper
1 can (396mL) of diced tomatoes (recipe called for 2 cups bottled strained tomatoes)
2/3 cup (150mL) maple syrup (recipe called for 1/3 cup)
3 tbsp (45mL) balsamic vinegar (recipe called for cider vinegar)
4 tbsp (60mL) fancy molasses (recipe called for 2 tbsp)
3 cups (750mL) bean cooking liquid...this is what you cooked your beans in! (recipe called for 1 ½ cups)

Before I share the directions, I wanted to note that I doubled some of the ingredients because I like my beans saucy (oh so saucy!). Check out the photo below...if you think they look too saucy, use the ingredients listed in the original recipe (the recipe was taken from Canadian Living The Vegetarian Collection).

1. Rinse and soak beans overnight in 3 times their volume of water. 
2. Drain and rinse.
3. In pot, cover beans again with 3 times their volume of water; bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer, covered, until tender, about 40 minutes. FYI - I let them simmer for 60 minutes because they were still a little hard for my taste (ahem!). 
4. Drain, reserving cooking liquid (you’ll need it for the sauce!).
5. In your most prized possession dutch oven, heat EVOO over medium heat; fry onion, apple, garlic, mustard, chilli powder, salt and cayenne until softened, about 8 minutes. 
6. Stir in tomatoes, maple syrup, vinegar and molasses; bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer, covered, for 10 minutes. 
7. Scrape into food processor; add bean cooking liquid and puree until smooth. FYI – I made a bit of a mess trying to do this in my food processor so the next time, I will use my blender but it’s up to you...you can’t say I didn’t warn you!
8. Transfer the sauce back to the dutch oven. Add the beans to the sauce and stir. 
9. Bake, covered, in oven at 300 degrees Fahrenheit for 2 - 4 hours (recipe called for 2 hours but I ended up leaving it in for 4 hours so you’ll have to figure it out on your own...sorry!). Uncover and bake until thickened, about 1 hour.

ENJOY!!! (and cue the wicked laughter...hehehehehehehehehehehe)

Oh So Saucy Vegetarian Maple-Baked Beans

P.S. If you’re trying this recipe tomorrow night, you might want to stay in :)