Graduation Day!!!

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
~ Dr. Seuss

This week, Sarah graduated from high school!!!  I know…I’m still in shock.  Whether I like it or not, Sarah is spreading her wings and starting a new chapter in her life (as am I!).  A wonderful new journey will soon begin for this 18 year old girl woman (and her aging youthful mother...ugh!).  While the reality of her being a high school graduate is slowly sinking in, I’m realizing now that I may have consciously unconsciously attempted to clip her wings for the last 18 years but now it’s clear, her wings are no longer clipped (it's quite possible that I never successfully clipped them anyways!) and she’s about to soar to great heights.  It’s interesting how, as I reflect on the last 18 years, that “clipping her wings” was my way of protecting her but I know better now (and when you know better, you do better!).   Life’s lessons come from experiencing life…by doing, by living, by being and sometimes, by making mistakes.  You have to live to learn!   By trying to protect her/shelter her, she may have missed out on some important life lessons but there’s no looking back now because...drum roll please...SHE DID IT!  So far, she has survived her infant years, her toddler years, her childhood, her youth, her teenage years and is now gracefully entering the mysterious world of adulthood!!!  Now that I think about it, I guess it would be more accurate to say WE DID IT!!!  We did, after all, survive those years together.  Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t always about "surviving" because we had a lot of fun along the way but today, as I reflect back on the last 18 years, surviving those years is a testament to so many people:  Mom, Dad, my brother, BFF and her family, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, colleagues, teachers…basically an entire village!!!  You have no idea how happy I am that I didn’t completely screw up my kid (maybe just a little, right Sare?) and it’s thanks to all of the people in our lives.  

For the last 10 years, Sarah and I have been big fans of the television show Gilmore Girls, a show about a single mom, Lorelai, and her daughter, Rory, who basically grow up together (sound familiar?).   For those of you who know us well, we often reference a Gilmore Girls episode to describe moments in our lives (similar to how many of you can relate to a Seinfeld episode, or Simpsons episode, or Family Guy episode!).  Well, Graduation day reminded me of the graduation scene in Gilmore Girls.  I know Sarah’s probably thinking about the scene when Rory gets a Prius as a graduation gift but obviously that’s not the part that reminds me of the Gilmore Girls episode.  Sorry Sarah but there’s no Prius for you (funny enough that reminded me of the soup nazi in Seinfeld…no soup for you!).   It’s the scene when Richard Gilmore, Lorelai’s father, says to Lorelai on Rory’s graduation day:  “I will take the photos.  You just sit there and enjoy your daughter’s graduation.  This is as much your moment as it is Rory’s.  Enjoy it!”  So during the graduation ceremony, that’s exactly what I did...I enjoyed every moment (the lighting was horrible in the cafetorium so we couldn't take photos anyways!).   I'm relieved to say that there was no "ugly cry" or blubbering because I didn't want my mascara to run (I waited until I was alone in the house, after she left for her grad party, to have a good cry before falling asleep...pathetic, I know!), however, my eyes did tear up but I remained "in the moment" and "present" to see her walk across the stage, feeling so proud of my baby girl (she'll always be my baby!).  What a gift!  How did I get so lucky to be blessed with this child?  I truly felt like we were celebrating together along with the special people who helped us both along the way.   It was as if we all graduated that day! 

Of course, Graduation Day also reminded me of my graduation which was a mere 20 years ago (yikes!).   When I was in high school, you needed to complete Grade 13 to attend university so I was 19 years old when I started university but now high school graduates are only 18 years old (babies!) when they graduate (some only 17 depending on their birthday) because they have since eliminated Grade 13.   It really seems like just yesterday that I graduated so it blows my mind to think that this photo was taken 20 years ago of my best friends and me posing (so sexy...I know!) after the graduation ceremony (I've lost touch with these two best friends, as so many people do after high school, therefore I'm not able to ask them if it's okay to post a photo of them on my blog so I decided to "hide" their faces and unlike me, they had their eyes open!):



Looking at that photo reminds me of my favourite song from the summer of ’91… “Summertime” by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince:

In 20 years, I wonder what song Sarah will remember as the song of “Summer of 2011”?  Well, my guess is....wait for it....Pitbull's "Give me everything" feat. Ne-Yo (let's re-read this post in 2031 to see if I'm right):

Since I said so much about Sarah in my blog post “When I grow up”, I think I’ll keep this one
short and simple by saying:

I’m so proud of you Sarah!!! 
 I love you sweetie!
ConGRADulations :)

I wonder if Sarah will spend as much time with me this summer as I did, with my parents, the summer before I left for university.   I guess it’s true:  payback is a bitch :P

I know it’s already listed in my blog post “When I grow up” but it doesn’t hurt to repeat my wish for Sarah as words of wisdom for all of us:

“That you open your heart and your mind to possibilities that you have not dreamed of and to realms of joy you have hardly imagined;
That you live fully and love deeply;
That you breathe and smile;
That you relax, enjoy, laugh and play;
That you let go, forgive and accept;
That you find meaningful work so you can serve and contribute;
That you listen, learn and inquire;
That you consider and reflect;
That you cultivate contentment, friendship and flexibility;
That you lighten up, expand, evolve, open up and include;
That you dream;
That you celebrate, appreciate and give thanks;
That you share, give and receive;
That you walk softly and live gently;
That you surrender and trust;
That you continue to be free to live, to soar, to create, to love, to feel passion for good, and to do the good with passion.”

In other words...I hope you “climb every mountain” and “I hope you dance”…

"Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.”
~ Henry David Thoreau

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to my #1 fan...my Dad :)

I love you Dad!!!

I know this is two days late (you're not really surprised by my tardiness, are you?) but that's because we were celebrating Father's Day with you on Sunday (I really don't have an excuse for yesterday...I had to work?!?).  It was great spending the day with you even though you snuck away every now and then to check out the golf game on tv (did you think I didn't notice?).  On Father's Day, you didn't ask to be spoiled.  Instead, you prepared an amazingly yummy meal for us (that's just the kind of man that you are!).  The eggplant parmasan was delish!  Equally delish was the lemon meringue pie that Sarah baked for you from scratch (and with lots of love!!!).  I'm sure the chicken parmasan you prepared for the meat eaters in our family was just as good but it was kind of cruel (vegetarians rejoice!).

I hope you know how much you are loved!!!

To remind you how much I love you (since I can't bake!), I'm suggesting that you re-read the blog posts that were dedicated to you "A message for Dad" and  "He's da man!" :)

For those of you interested in baking a lemon meringue pie for your Dad or Grandpa, check out the recipe Sarah used to bake her Poppa a pie: 

Lemon Meringue Pie

Pastry

• 1 1/3 cups all purpose flour
• 1 pinch salt
• 1/4 cup cold unsalted butter
• 1/3 cup cold vegetable shortening
• 5 tablespoons ice water

Lemon Curd

• 2 cups water
• 1/2 cup cornstarch, plus 2 tbsp.
• 10 egg, yolks
• 1 cup lemon, juice
• 1 1/3 cups sugar
• 1/8 teaspoon salt
• grated zest of 4 lemon

Meringue

• 4 egg, whites
• 1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon lemon, juice

Directions

Pastry

1. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F.
2. Sift the dry ingredients together.
3. With a pastry cutter, blend in the butter and shortening until the mixture resembles coarse crumbs.
4. Add the ice water gradually until dough forms.
5. Pat the dough into a flat disk and refrigerate for at least an hour.
6. Roll the dough into a 13-inch round. Place it into a 9-inch pie plate and crimp the edges in a decorative pattern.
7. Pierce the bottom with a fork.
8. Place a piece of parchment or tinfoil in the shell. Fill the shell with pie weights.
9. Bake for 20 minutes.
10. Remove the pie weights and paper and continue to bake about 15 minutes until the pastry is golden and set. Cool on a wire rack.

Lemon Curd

1. In a small bowl, whisk the cornstarch with 1 cup of water until dissolved. Set aside.
2. In a small saucepan add egg yolks, lemon juice, sugar, lemon zest and salt and the remaining 1 cup of water.
3. Cook over medium low heat for one minute, stirring constantly. The mixture should not boil but the sugar should dissolve.
4. When the sugar has dissolved pour in the cornstarch mixture and turn up the heat to medium.
5. Cook mixture, stirring continuously with a spoon so that the mixture does not stick to the bottom or the sides of the pan.
6. Cook for 6 to 8 minutes until it has started to boil, thickens and becomes translucent.
7. Set filling aside to cool slightly.
8. Immediately make meringue so filling stays warm.

Meringue

1. Whip egg whites on high speed.
2. Immediately add cream of tartar and whip until soft peaks form.
3. While whipping, add the sugar one tablespoon at a time to allow it to dissolve.
4. Add the lemon juice at the end when the meringue is shiny and holds medium stiff peaks.

Assembly

1. Pour the warm filling into the cooled pie shell and spread the meringue on top, making sure to reach the edges of the pastry.
2. Use your spatula to swirl the meringue into peaks.
3. Cook the pie at 375 degrees F. for about 6 minutes until meringue is just golden.

These are photos of Sarah's lemon meringue pie:

The recipe is from the Food Network's Christine Cushing.  Click here to go directly to her webpage.

Cat litter box

While cleaning out the cat litter box this morning, I started to (quietly!) sing the song “Smelly Cat” by Phoebe Buffay on Friends:

After attempting to sing the song (quietly...you'll soon understand why!) then getting frustrated with myself for not remembering all of the words, I started wondering:

1)     Why doesn’t Sarah ever clean out the cat litter box?

2)     Why can’t my cats consistently cover up their shit (literally!). 

and

3)     How can the cat litter box be used as a euphemism for life?

Since I was already frustrated about not remembering the words to a “classic” song, not to mention my outrage at having to clean out the cat litter box AGAIN (how often do cats have to poop and pee?), I became extremely agitated by the thought that the word “euphemism” was not correctly being used in my disturbing pathetic deep, very philosophical question.  Under normal circumstances, I would ask Sarah about the correct use of a word but she’s sleeping (it’s 5am!) so then I consider texting my favourite high school teacher, BFF, for her feedback but she’s away at an overnight school trip with her daughter so then I consider calling my brother but there's no way in hell he'd talk to me at 5am!!!  Basically, I’m all alone in trying to figure this one out (so much for my support system!) so after cleaning out the cat litter box, I stormed (quietly…Sarah is sleeping!) up the stairs with a bag full of shit (literally!) and decided that I wasn’t alone…I have Oxford!!! 

According to the Oxford Dictionary, euphemism is a noun that is defined as follows:

a mild or indirect word or expression substituted for one considered to be too harsh or blunt when referring to something unpleasant or embarrassing.  Euphemism is the use of a milder or vaguer word or phrase in place of one that might seem too harsh or direct in a particular context, and a euphemism is such a word or phrase (i.e. to pass away for ‘to die’).  The most productive subjects for euphemism in English are bodily functions (ahem!), sexual activity (ahem!), death, politics, and violence.  Nowadays business, politics, and warfare create a lot of euphemisms, such as downsizing, rationalization, restructuring, slimming down, etc. instead of the more direct ‘redundancy’; strategic alternatives for ‘potential sale’; ethnic cleansing instead of ‘mass expulsion or extermination of ethnic minorities’; collateral damage for ‘accidental destruction of non-military areas’; friendly fire for ‘killing of soldiers on one’s own side ‘; and extraordinary rendition for’ handing over terrorist suspects for interrogation and possible torture'.  One area of euphemism that advertisers are particularly fond of is taking a feature of their product that might seem to be a disadvantage and turning it into something neutral or even positive.  For instance, a product that is basic may be described as standard or one that is small as compact. A small quantity of a product may be described as a handy version or fun size, and a long-standing design as traditional or classic. 

So now it’s blatantly obvious that my question “How can the cat litter box be used as a euphemism for life?” is grammatically (or contextually?) incorrect and no longer reflects my original thought.  Back to the drawing board!  Or maybe I should go back to the cat litter box for a little inspiration (yes, I had actually considered it!)?   The next word that pooped popped into my head is “asimile”.   How does this sound?  “How can the cat litter box be used as an asimile for life?”  I know Sarah and BFF are yelling at the screen right now saying “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” but as you know, I’ve promised to be completely honest in my blog posts so I have to admit that yes, I thought “asimile” was a word!  Hey, I was only slightly off when I thought “asimile” because the actual word is…wait for it…“simile”.   I had opened up the dictionary to asimile but there was nothing there then it hit me….duh!!!  So here I go again… “How can the cat litter box be used as a simile for life?”   I’m sure BFF and Sarah will let me know that there’s still a grammar or spelling mistake in the question but the point is that the question is now 100% representative of my original thought because the Oxford Dictionary defines a simile as a figure of speech involving the comparison of one thing with another thing of a different kind, used to make a description more emphatic or vivid (e.g. as brave as a lion).   Ha!

Since I’ve gone this far, it was only fair (to all of us!) that I sit down and seriously ponder the question “how is life like a cat litter box?”  Surprise, surprise…I came up with a few similes but don’t get too excited because they're not as poetically profound as the best simile (ever!):  “Life is like a box of chocolates…you never know what you’re going to get” (said in my best Forrest Gump accent!).   Mmmm…chocolate!!!   That’s right, today is Day 3 of Operation Sugarless (take 2!) but I digress…back to my cat litter box similes :) 

Life is like a cat litter box…

…it’s sometimes shitty.

…it’s sometimes pissy.

…sometimes things get clumped together.

…the contents sometimes get flushed. 

…it’s sometimes full of surprises (ugh!). 

…it sometimes looks better than it smells or smells better than it looks.

…it sometimes absorbs the piss but still smells like shit.

…you always know that "visitors" will continuously come in and out of it. 

…it’s a dumping ground for excrements. 

…it sometimes needs a little “Arm & Hammer”. 

…there’s always someone who will help clean up the mess. 

…simply scooping out the excreta will sometimes make it better but there are times when you need to dump the entire contents to have a fresh start. 

…sometimes you need to dig deep to find the shit that’s been buried. (my fave!)

So now I’m curious, how is your life like a cat litter box or what euphemism/asimile/simile would you use to describe life?

Thought of the week

This week, I received two e-mails from colleagues that have inspired me so I hope they inspire you too!  The e-mails have certainly put my struggle with eliminating sugar from my diet into perspective.    

The first is from a colleague in the United States: 

Subject:  Ambition

A blind boy paid his way to a master's degree at Northwestern University by taking notes on class lectures in Braille, typing them, and selling copies to classmates who had stronger eyes but weaker ambition.

One of the great mysteries of life is why some people who seem to have all the advantages -- the right connections, education, and experience -- never seem to amount to much while others who have had to struggle for everything they have reach incredible heights of success. It hinges on determination. If you have the will to succeed, you will somehow find a way, regardless of the obstacles you encounter. Do you use all of your assets to achieve your goals, or are you handicapped by your lack of ambition? No other person can create in you a desire to succeed. With enough motivation, you will see things all around you that will help you reach your objectives, things that you may have overlooked many times before.


The other e-mail is from a dear colleague in Canada who is a real hero and a true inspiration to me.  She wrote the following e-mail to encourage her family, friends and colleagues to support her fundraising efforts:

Subject:  Meaning and Purpose

My good friend Caroline noted last month that while I’m quite capable of promoting the cause of vision research, she has never heard me publicly share on a personal level what vision loss has meant to me.  I’ve pondered for a few weeks now how to approach this subject.   How could I articulate my personal struggles and stay true without invoking pity?  What enables me to remain content and active despite gradually going blind?

The raw truth is it’s been a real struggle to get to the happier place I find myself in today; enjoying life to the fullest!  I’ve certainly passed through all stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance...  And through the process, I’ve found meaning and purpose.  And just maybe; just maybe; I’ve even come so far as owning my vision loss.

Of course, there were times when I was knocked down to the floor and seriously considered staying there.  I often found myself being forced to relearn tasks in my late twenties that I had already mastered back in grade school.  Today, reading is now entirely an audio experience.  Understanding intent requires filling in missed body language.  Shopping for clothes involves offering to be someone’s Barbie doll for the day.   Cooking requires measuring ingredients by touch.  Running is now a team effort with my running guide.  Cycling now involves boarding a tandem bike.

Thankfully, I’ve managed over time to find adventure and humour in every one of these new life challenges.  I’ve also embraced the role of an unlikely educator and hope that those around me are internally richer because of it.

There are still occasional punches to the gut that come unexpectedly…  When your nephew bypasses you for help with putting his favorite DVD on because he knows; or when you break a family heirloom because you’re so darn clumsy.  Most other things can be laughed off or even embraced; when you mistakenly get a swig of Heinz ketchup because you thought you were grabbing your Ice tea bottle from the pub table;  or being mistaken as a snob for not responding to greeting gestures across the street from people I’ve just met.

Finding meaning in vision loss has only been possible by turning my disability into a lifetime opportunity.  This is why I am so passionate about Cycle for Sight and the cause of raising funds for treatments for eye disease.  It’s gone far beyond the high likelihood that I will live to see the day when sight is restored.  Beyond driving that dream closer to reality, it’s given my life and the lives of many others in the same predicament meaning and purpose.

It’s in this spirit that I ask you to support my efforts as of this uplifting grassroots event through a personal pledge.  Whether you give $10 or $100, your donation will help advance vision research aimed at restoring the gift of sight to people living with eye disease. To donate, please visit http://www.cycleforsight.ca/

Fallen

“I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it” 

~  Mae West  

My intent, as I sit here unable to sleep past 7am on a Sunday morning, is to organize my photos from our trip to Vancouver and to write a blog post about our adventure on the West Coast but unfortunately, all I can think about is how I have fallen. 

May 4^th was such a joyous day but it was also streaked with moments of intense sadness for me.  The day was filled with happiness because we were celebrating Sarah’s 18^th birthday with BFF and daughter, Reb but painfully sad (the pain only came later that night!) because I ate an entire piece of DQ Smarties Treatzza Pizza with chunks of Skor chocolate bars added to the "birthday pie" (I actually think I may have gone back for an extra 0.5 piece of birthday ice cream pie!).  I have tried forgetting about that day moment when I ate the piece of pie +  ½ piece of pie by focusing on the joy of celebrating Sarah's birthday (it was celebration 1 of 3...you only turn 18 once!) but I can’t forget because it’s a reminder of how much I suck little willpower I have when it comes to anything sweet (sweet men not included!). 

Oh how proud I was of my sugarlessness success!  I gave up sugar on January 19th and thought I would never look back after resisting the temptation for 15 weeks (!!!) but one little piece of skor pie (+ another ½!) turned me into a sugar monster again (Om nom nom nom!!!).  Sugar consumption at birthday celebration #1 lead to sugar consumption at birthday celebration #2 then birthday celebration #3 then to our trip to Vancouver which lead to a small bite of cheesecake then to an entire piece of cheesecake to Roger’s Chocolates Dark Empress Square #1 to Roger’s Chocolates Dark Empress Square #2 to Taro Bubble Tea with Tapioca #1 to Red Velvet cupcake #1 to Taro Bubble Tea with Tapioca #2 to a bite of Sarah’s crème brulee #1 to Taro Bubble Tea with Tapioca #3 to a bite of Sarah’s crème brulee #2 (and I’m sure there are many more “cheats” that have not yet been documented!).   At the time, I was thinking:  “Yes, I’m eating sugar but it’s for Sarah’s birthday” (Sarah, it’s all of your fault!!!) then I was thinking: “Yes, I’m eating sugar but it’s because I’m on vacation” (Vancouver, it's all of your fault!!!) but what the hell am I supposed to think now that I’ve been back from vacation since May 16^th (with a business trip to Toronto on May 17^th and 18^th which probably lead to more sugar consumption but denial has resulted in a loss of memory, however, I'm sure there was at least one biscotti cookie and one taro bubble tea with tapioca which does have sugar no matter how much I lie tell myself otherwise!). 

Sadly, last Monday, I suffered the worst fuck up setback yet.  While at my office, (brace yourself because the truth ain’t pretty!), I decided I needed to get something at Shoppers Drug Mart but to my surprise (not really a surprise!), I returned to my office with a big bag of Maltesers and a big bag of mini peanut butter cups (yes, mini!).  Shockingly (not really a shock!), I devoured both bags while at the office.  Not only did I feel horrible about annihilating two bags of chocolate but I felt like a complete hypocrite while eating my “healthy” lunch with my colleagues.  I may as well have eaten a hot dog, a poutine and a diet coke that day (ewwwww….my stomach aches just thinking about that…ugh!!!).  So I could easily come up with excuses such as “my juicer died” (yes, that is a true story which I will no doubt write about in another blog post!) for my disgusting behaviour but the truth is that I’m out of control again with my sugar intake.  I keep telling myself (and others….you know who you are!) that I will get back on the wagon “tomorrow” but sadly, tomorrow hasn’t come yet.  Maybe “tomorrow” I really will be sugarless again but I can’t even remember how I did it in the past.  I have re-read my blog posts for inspiration and have come to the realization that I’m not a very inspirational person (yes, being hard on oneself is a symptom of sugar-indulgence!).  How can I inspire others with my blog when the blog posts don’t even inspire me? 

Funny enough, when I told Dr. Acupuncture (if you don’t know about my favourite acupuncturist, please read my blog posts Getting Old-er and My “to do” Lists) about my struggle to become sugarless again, she simply said “get rid of the sugar”.  Really?  That’s the best advice she could give me?  Sadly, she’s right.  All I have to do is not buy it, not be around it and most importantly, not eat it!  I know that some of you are thinking….what’s the big deal?  So what if you eat sugar?  Well guess what…sugar is bad, people!!!  Have you not read all of the literature about refined sugar?  Sugar is toxic!  Sugar should be labelled as:

OR

Okay, funny (side) story! When I was looking for the “poison” label, I searched Google Images and came up with the universal image for poison but the search also resulted in photos of the “Poison” band including the album cover for a Poison record which reminded me of a Christmas morning when I was a teenager.  One of the songs I loved in high school was “Catch me I’m falling” by Pretty Poison.  Living in a relatively small town, I wasn’t able to find the record (remember the good old days when we listened to music on our record players?) so I asked my Mom to look for the record by “Pretty Poison” while she was Christmas shopping in Montreal.  Sounds simple enough, right?  Well, to my surprise, on Christmas morning, I received, as a gift from my parents, the latest record by...wait for it...“Poison” (that's the album cover above) instead of the "Pretty Poison” record!  What a funny  memory!!!  I should have added that one to my blog post about my Mom (check out that blog post “Because you love me”).  Just for fun, I’ve included the videos for both Pretty Poison and Poison.  Do you think I enjoyed my new record?  I think these two songs would be a perfect mash-up for the new season of Glee :)

Okay, back to my hatred of sugar!  Since blaming Sarah (she knows I'm just kidding!) willpower isn’t helping me kick my sugar habit, I thought I should read some literature on the negative effects of consuming sugar.  Here’s the most recent article that I read to try to scare myself into a sugarless zone:

Refined Sugar - The sweetest poison of all

So yes, I’m smart enough to know that I "shouldn’t" be eating sugar (yes, I also re-read my blog post The “S” Word !) but my mind and my body are not on the same page….one knows that I shouldn’t eat sugar while the other craves it.  What’s a sugar addict to do?  Accepting that I’m not perfect is probably a good start (I know, it’s shocking!!!) but that’s not possible right now (I know, I know!) so how’s this for a start?  I just took the almost full (it’s surprising to me that a bag of sweets can be almost full and still be in my possession since I normally eat the entire bag as soon as I open it!) bag of mini caramel chocolates that I had hidden (yes, it’s gotten to the point where I’m hiding the chocolate…who the hell am I hiding it from???) and I dumped the contents into the garbage bin.  That’s correct…I didn’t just throw the bag in the garbage because the contents could still potentially be eaten since they were not contaminated (the garbage bin could simply be considered another “hiding” place) so I dumped the sweets into the garbage bin where they made contact with its nasty contents.  There’s no way in hell I’ll be putting my hand in the trash to retrieve a mini caramel chocolate wrapped in a used Kleenex or the grossness that accumulates in the kitchen drain catcher.   I’m hopeful that this means I’m sugarless "at least for today".  Unless, of course, I decide to have a bite of Sarah’s leftover Skor Blizzard that calls my name from the freezer (it befuddles me that someone is unable to eat a small Blizzard in one sitting!) or I make my way to the store for more treats but really, there’s no need to worry now that my “fallen” story is public.  I think I’ll be able to control myself…at least for today!  Now I need to get to the store and buy myself (another!) ….wait for it… J-U-I-C-E-R!!!  Yes, that's right...this story is definitely "to be continued" ….

Because you love me

On Mother’s Day, I was on a plane with Sarah bound for Vancouver.  It was a wonderful way of spending time with my daughter, trapped on a flight for a total of 6 + hours (she couldn't not spend time with her mother!).  Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to spend the day with my mother but fortunately, the three generations of women (Sarah’s now 18 so I guess I can call her a woman, right?), spent some time together the day before we left for British Columbia (I'll share more about our trip in a future blog post...oh the anticipation, I know!).  We brought Nanny her annual gift of a hanging flower basket along with some chocolates (I must confess that they were Easter chocolates from the clearance shelf but they were Lindor chocolates so that’s okay, right?) and two “Happy Mother’s Day” cards that let her know how much we love her and how lucky we feel to have her in our lives.  The cards made her cry…mission accomplished! :)

Of course, it would only be à propos to dedicate a blog post to my mother (right?).  Yes, I’m a few weeks late but thankfully my mom knows that sometimes things don’t happen when they should happen; unlike me who expects things to happen when they’re “supposed” to happen (yes, double standards…of course!). 

So Mom, today I’d like to dedicate this blog post to you.  To let you know how much I love you, how much of a role model you are to me, how much I cherish the time we spend together, how much I respect your opinion even if the truth sometimes feels brutal, how much I admire your ability to communicate and never give up a fight, especially when you are fighting for the people that you love, how much I envy your “kick ass”, your “in your face”, and your fearless attitude, how much I emulate your work ethic and your commitment to our community (your volunteer work is so admirable!), how much I appreciate the support you have given me (and Sarah and our entire family) over the years, and how much you’ve sacrificed for the people you love.  You have taught me so much!!!  I now understand (and so greatly appreciate) the sacrifices that mothers make for their children and for that, I’m eternally grateful!!!

I’m struggling to clearly articulate what you mean to me (to us!).  You’re an amazing mother, grandmother, wife (Dad would want me to say that to you…remember when he’d ask me to go out and buy a card for you from him?) and friend.  Once I became a mother, you became an even more important role model in my life.  It made me realize how selfish I was as a child, and how much I misunderstood your role as a mother.  Now I get it!  So the only thing I can say now is “I’m sorry” for all of the times that I didn’t listen when you were trying to teach, or laughed when you were being serious, or avoided you when you tried to get my attention, or disrespected you when you deserved only respect, or when I left the house after being grounded, or when I lied to you because I didn’t trust that you’d understand, or when I kept the truth from you because I didn’t want to burden you.  For all of that and so much more, I’m sorry. 

Since Sarah has questioned how much I remember about her childhood, I guess it’s only fair (okay maybe it’s a little unfair!) that I question you on how much you remember about my childhood (I must admit that my memory isn’t the best when I think about my own childhood but I’ll give it a shot):

• Remember when my elementary school banned shorts but on a blistering hot day, you sent us to school in shorts regardless of the new “no shorts at school” law?  Of course, we were sent back home but you didn’t give up without a fight!   I remember and am thankful.   
• Remember when we would sit together at the dinner table while I did my homework?  You were especially good at helping me with English homework (you always had me repeat, over and over again, the words I needed to spell for my spelling bees which lead to me getting 100% every time!) while Dad helped me with my French homework and Math homework (even if he made me do my divisions the "old-fashioned" way!).  I remember and am thankful. 
• Remember when my first boyfriend and I broke up?  I was devastated (oh young love!), in my bedroom crying, and you came to my room, sat on my bed and tried to console me?  I remember and am thankful.
• Remember when you were "trapped" in the birthing room, when I was giving birth to Sarah, but you stayed calm and remained supportive, even though you wanted to pass out from the sight of so much blood?  I remember and am thankful.

Oh there are so many more memories but I don’t want to embarrass you (remember the turkey dinner at Christmas that was left for us to salvage because you had too many white Russian drinks and ended up in bed early?) or make you cry so I’ll leave it there.  Just know that I have so many fond memories of you (so many memories of us laughing together until we cried and couldn't see anymore!) and am looking forward to creating so many more memories with you.  Imagine all of the memories we’ll have to share once you become a great-grandmother (of course that’s not for another 10 + years AT LEAST!) then a great-great-grandmother :)

We have been through so much together….the good, the bad and the ugly…but throughout, we have remained a strong family unit and it’s all because of you!!!  Thank you so much for keeping our family strong and for always reminding of us of how much we are loved.   I am who I am because you love me unconditionally and because you always assured me that I’m enough…just as I am!  I hope you know how much you are loved…just as you are!!! 

Happy (belated) Mother’s Day!!!  I LOVE YOU MOM XOXOXO

Of course, my Mom didn’t do it alone (she was the boss though…sorry Dad!!!).  I also have an equally amazing Dad (check out my blog post to celebrate my Dad's birthday "He's Da Man") who allowed me to be me.  You have both “raised me up” when I needed it the most (and when I didn't think I needed it but really did!) and for that I’m so grateful!!! You’re an amazing team :)

 

P.S.  I forgot to mention that my Mom's birthday is this week too so HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!

When I grow up

20 years old.          1st year of university.          Summer.          Pregnant. 

Sure, most people can’t relate to my story but I’m not here to tell you my story.  I’m here to celebrate the greatest gift I’ve ever been given. 

It was 18 years ago today, while watching Seinfeld in the basement of my parents’ house that I experienced my first labour pain.  FUCKING OUCH!  That Thursday started off as a typical day in the life of a post-secondary student.  I biked to my summer job (working in a garden centre) then half way through my shift my water broke s-l-o-w-l-y.  I ended up in the bathroom every 15 minutes to pee (at least I thought it was pee!) then I walked my bike back home after work.  What I didn’t realize is that I was in the early stages of labour!  I sat on the couch (oh that beautiful flowered couch!), started watching Seinfeld then the rest is history!  At the age of 21, I became a momma!  Sarah was born at 5:46am two days before Mother’s Day.  What a wonderful Mother’s Day gift! 

Some would say that being a single mother is difficult.  Sure it is but when you are surrounded by family and friends, it ends up truly being a village that raises a child.  The truth is that I could not have done it without my parents who took on a greater role than just being grandparents, and for that, I’m eternally grateful to them (the truth is that I still look to them for support!).  Next up on my gratitude list?  My brother!  He has not only been amazingly supportive but he is a wonderful uncle.  Next up?  BFF!  She has been a second mother to Sarah (we call her NVM: non-vag mom!) so much so that when we went through the “terrible teens” (what parent-teenager relationship doesn’t go through rough patches?), she actually referred to BFF as her mother instead of me (it’s okay…I was a teenager once so I understand!).   BFF’s daughters have become Sarah’s sisters (yes, we’re one big happy family!!!).  She has an especially special bond with her little “sister” Reb (my NVD!).  BFF’s entire family (especially Nan, Pa, Chris, Jess and Andy) have also become important people in Sarah’s life.  For that I’m so grateful!  I’d also like to mention someone who is no longer with us but who played an important role in Sarah’s life (and mine!).  Sarah had an amazing babysitter who passed away a couple of years ago after a long battle with cancer.  Lyn, I think of you often!  There are, of course, too many people to mention (no doubt, I will miss someone very important in our lives and for missing you, I’m sorry!) including aunts (Lise, Jeanne), uncles (Alain, Mike, Denis and Ross), cousins, our entire family, our entire extended family, colleagues, friends and teachers (some better than others!) who have all played an important role in our lives: the mother-daughter duo! 

Now that I’ve talked about how we survived “just the two of us” over the last 18 years, it’s time to talk about my beloved daughter because when I grow up…I want to be just like her!!!

From the time she was born, Sarah has brought so much joy into so many people’s lives.  Especially mine!  So many memories (mostly good ones though, right Sare?) from breastfeeding (I had to mention that!) to bath time to teething to eating her first solid food to drop-offs at the babysitters to her first day of school (whether she liked it or not, I took a photo of her on the first day of school from Pre-Kindergarten to Grade 12…and I think I might be there taking photos on her first day at university too but I’ll probably be hiding in a bush like the paparazzi…just sayin’) to her first time on a tricycle to her first time on a bicycle with training wheels to her first time on a bicycle (without the training wheels!) to her first trip to Cooper Marsh to her first trip to Parc Safari to her first time trick-or-treating to her first trip to Disney World to her first time in the ocean to her first time catching a crab in the ocean (not that kind of crab!) to her first sleepover to the first time she saw Santa Claus to her first Easter egg hunt at Nanny and Poppa's to her first immunization to her first scraped knee to her first camping trip to her first time in the canoe to all the times we played with her Barbie dolls to all of the times I said "no" to playing with her Barbie dolls (sorry!) to her first time kayaking to her first blood test to her first time on a swing to her first time seeing a clown to her first time swimming to her first report card to her first attempt at getting her ears pierced (there was more than one attempt!) to shopping for her first bra to her first trip to the East Coast to her first trip to the West Coast to her first time in a plane to the first time I heard her say "fuck" to her first date to her first time behind the wheel (ugh!).  Every memory is magical! 

Sarah often says to me “Mom, remember when blah, blah, blah?” and I’ll say “No, sorry I don’t” then she’ll respond “Do you remember anything about my childhood?”  Well, Sarah, I might not remember what the pizza tasted like at Disney World (I think it was the Toy Story restaurant) when you were four years old (“It was the best pizza EVER, Mom!”) but I do remember many, many, many things.  For instance, do you remember when you got a kernel of corn stuck in your nose?  Or do you remember when you fell off of your bike and quickly jumped up with your arms up in the air saying “I’m okay, I’m okay”?  Or do you remember watching oodles of Barney on television and saying "Barney Purple"? Or do you remember when you found the first sand dollar in the Maritimes?  Or do you remember the first time you picked dandelions for me?  Or do you remember when we used to rake all of the leaves in Nanny and Poppa's back yard and you'd jump in the pile of leaves?  Or do you remember the first time you drew me a picture?  Or do you remember the breakfast you prepared for me on Mother’s Day when you were 8 years old?  Or do you remember the first time we went tobogganing?  Or do you remember when you had chicken pox?  Or do you remember the tea parties we had with your dolls and stuffed toys?  Or do you remember when you used to sneak into bed with me at night?  Or do you remember when we read “Love you Forever” together (or any book for that matter)?  Or do  you remember the first poem you wrote? Or do you remember every time you said “I love you Mom”?  Because I do :)

Oh Sarah…I’m so proud of you!  You have grown up to be such a loving, caring, giving, compassionate and kind human being.  I beam with pride every time I think of you (which is often!) or I’m around you.  You know those few times that you actually grace me with your presence?  Ah…teenagers!  Don’t worry Sarah, I was a teenager once too (a long time ago!) so I know that hanging out with your Mom isn’t your #1 priority.  Yes, I do sit at home and cry when you’re out with friends but don’t worry about me, I’m okay (at least, I pretend to be!)!  Where do I begin?  You have a natural ability to make people smile with your small (and big) gestures…opening a door for someone, picking up litter, baking your momma a sugar-free cupcake, picking up something at the grocery store for me while you’re out, volunteering your time for the Cancer Society, helping Nanny with something on the computer, the list is endless.  From a very young age, you not only had lots of love for people but also for animals.  There was always a bird, or a squirrel or a crab, or a frog, or a hamster, or a spider, or a bee, or a cat or a dog that needed to be “saved”.  Remember when you told me that you wanted to be a vegetarian?  You were only 10 years old (can you believe that you’ve been a vegetarian for 8 years?!?) when you announced that you no longer wanted animals to be killed for your consumption.  You were so young but already, you had discovered compassion for all living things.  Of course, my first thought was "what will you eat?"  No more chicken nuggets???  Could you survive on just corn and rice because your three favourite foods, at the time, were chicken nuggets, rice and corn?  But eventually we found a way to work together (we’re a good team!) and cooked some healthy, vegetarian meals (you were always more capable than me at cooking but I’ve come a long way!).  We (and all leaving creatures!) are so lucky to have you in our lives! 

Although we don’t share all of the same interests (scream-o music..yuck!), I’m so glad we share a love of reading, a love of nature, a love of camping, a love of Gilmore Girls, a love of clothes and shoes (oops..that’s just you!), a love of environmental and social justice, a love of all things Glee, a love of shopping (oops...that's you and Nanny!), a love of food, a love of travel, a love of mathematics (oops…that’s just me!), a love of arts and culture, and a love of family. 

In a way, we kind of grew up together.  You grew into a teenager while I grew into a woman (not an old woman!).  Please know that you have taught me as much as I have taught you (maybe even more!).

I don’t know what I’m going to do when you leave for university in September.  I think I might have to move too.  Just kidding…or maybe I’m not :P

We have so much more to experience together…Italy, Paris, South Africa, Banff and Lake Louise, watching Rent, Breakin', and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo" (you will eventually watch them with me!), waiting in line to see “Gilmore Girls:  The Movie”, another Mariah Carey concert (?), exploring museums and art galleries, discovering new vegetarian restaurants, Gilmore Girls marathons, more trips to our favourite places (PEI and BC!), and LOTS of hanging out (so I guess that means more following you around a shopping mall!).

I've already mentioned some of your qualities including being loving, caring, giving, compassionate and kind, but you have so many more…you are beautiful (inside and out!), you’re intelligent, you’re a talented artist and writer, you’re creative, you’re funny, you’re strong-willed, you’re passionate, you have incredible depth, you’re shy but friendly, you're loyal, you're inspiring, you're respectful, you’re proud, you’re sensitive, you’re a terrific cook, you speak from your heart, you have strong values and principles, you’re fair, you work hard (even if you inherited my procrastination!), you’re resilient, and you’re generous.   In my eyes, you are perfect!  I do, however, recognize that with all of those wonderful qualities/gifts comes great responsibility so here’s my prayer for you:

“That you open your heart and your mind to possibilities that you have not dreamed of and to realms of joy you have hardly imagined;

That you live fully and love deeply;

That you breathe and smile;

That you relax, enjoy, laugh and play;

That you let go, forgive and accept;

That you find meaningful work so you can serve and contribute;

That you listen, learn and inquire;

That you consider and reflect;

That you cultivate contentment, friendship and flexibility;

That you lighten up, expand, evolve, open up and include;

That you dream;

That you celebrate, appreciate and give thanks;

That you share, give and receive;

That you walk softly and live gently;

That you surrender and trust;

That you continue to be free to live, to soar, to create, to love, to feel passion for good, and to do the good with passion.”

I am so blessed to have you in my life!  Happy Birthday Sarebear…I love you!!! 

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

P.S.  Happy Mother’s Day to my Mom (you’re the best!!!) and to all mothers…aren’t we lucky? :)

P.P.S.  I'm motivated, now more than ever, to write my memoir "Chai tea for two: a mother, a daughter and their journey together through life".  Sarah - are you ready to start writing your chapters?