The “S” word

I was recently made aware of a word in my vocabulary that has the power to paralyze me, torture me and leave me feeling inadequate, out of control and influenced by external sources.  My "S" word is the word "should".  Ever wonder how that word became a part of your vocabulary? 

Unfortunately, I have uttered the “S” word extensively throughout my life without even knowing what it is I’m trying to communicate to others or to myself.  So what does the word “should” really mean?

According to the Oxford Dictionary, the word “should” is: 

1. used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions:  he should have been careful; think we should trust our people more;  you shouldn't have gone
2. indicating a desirable or expected state: by now pupils should be able to read with a large degree of independence
3. used to give or ask advice or suggestions: you should go back to bed; what should I wear?
4. used to give advice: I should hold out if I were you
5. used to indicate what is probable: $100 should be enough to buy him out; the bus should arrive in a few minutes
6. formal expressing the conditional mood:
• (in the first person) indicating the consequence of an imagined event: if I were to obey my first impulse, I should spend my days writing letters
• referring to a possible event or situation: if you should change your mind, I'll be at the hotel; should anyone arrive late, admission is likely to be refused
7. used in a clause with ‘that’ after a main clause describing feelings: it is astonishing that we should find violence here
8. used in a clause with ‘that’ expressing purpose: in order that training should be effective it must be planned systematically
9. (in the first person) expressing a polite request or acceptance: I should like some more, if I may; we should be grateful for your advice
10. (in the first person) expressing a conjecture or hope: he'll have a sore head, I should imagine; ‘It won’t happen again. ‘’ I should hope not. '
11. used to emphasize to a listener how striking an event is or was: you should have seen Marge's face
12. (who/what should —— but) emphasizing how surprising an event was: I was in this shop when who should I see across the street but Tobias

The fact that there are so many entries for the word “should” in the Oxford Dictionary, makes me realize that there are too many meanings for me to be using the word properly, thus causing confusion and creating doubt in what I’m communicating to others and to myself  while fuelling my inability to commit and follow through (okay, that’s just my psychobabble!). 

Aside from the definition, what’s most important is what the “s” word represents in my life.  As I mentioned in my opening, the word “should” is a very powerful word in my vocabulary.  It paralyzes me, tortures me and leaves me feeling inadequate, out of control and influenced by external sources.  It’s also a cop-out! 

Has the word “should” made me miss out on things?  In my life, it feels as if using the “s” word could be comparable to eating but not tasting, being alive but not living, hearing but not listening, looking but not seeing or touching but not feeling.

I can’t help but wonder what I am missing out on while I’m thinking about what I "should" and "shouldn’t" do in my life.  Why can’t I just “do”?  Is it possible that fear and doubt are driving my use of the word “should” or “shouldn’t”?  When I say “I should”, am I’m really saying “I never would” or "I never will"?  Try replacing “never would” or "never will" with the word “should”.  Makes sense, right?

• I should exercise an hour per day.
• I should eat less.
• I should go out more.
• I should tell that boy that I love him.  
• I should avoid being so candid and raw in my blog.        

Does saying “should” or “shouldn’t” ever really help us?  I think there are many more negative outcomes to using those words then there are positive outcomes.  For some, using the word “should” may be a way to motivate themselves but for me, it makes me feel like I’ve failed to do something important or necessary in my life. 

Do you have a “to do” list?  Every morning, I start with a list of things that I “should”, "want" and "need" to do throughout the day.  At the end of the day, when I check off the things that I accomplished, it’s usually the things that I “needed” to do or "wanted" to do that get done while the things that remained unchecked are the things that I “should” have done.  What does that mean?  Were those “should have done” things not as important as the “need to get done” things?  If not, why bother putting them on the list?  Why set yourself up with feelings of not having accomplished something that day? 

How many times in a day do you say “should”?   When you say the word, stop and think about what you’re saying.  Can you replace that word with something different?  Does replacing that word change the outcome?  What impact has that word had on your life?  If it hasn’t had an impact, good for you!  You're obviously not as neurotic as me!  I’ve simply recognized an opportunity for growth.   I don't want to live a life filled with "should haves" and regrets. 

Have you ever noticed that when you use the word “should” or “shouldn’t”, you end up adding a “but” at the end of the sentence? 

• I shouldn’t have eaten that piece of cake but I couldn't say no.
• I should exercise but I don’t have the time. 
• I should blog every day but all I can think about is the anagram for my name (see blog post “What’s in a name (or label)?)
• I shouldn’t love that boy but I do.
• I should travel to Italy but I don’t have enough money.
• I should do something about it but I don’t know how. 

Aren’t all of those sentences depressing and negative?  How can using the word “should” be motivating or provide encouragement? 

So I decided to Google the word “should” to see what comes up.  Not surprisingly, there were quite a few links to pages with definitions and information on how to properly use the word in a sentence but once I got through the definitions and grammar lessons, I was shocked to see that the next link was “Best reasons why a person should consider penis enlargement”.  Seriously!  (no, I'm not providing you with the link!)  Well, I think I just made my case for not needing to use the "S" word anymore!  By the way, I'm sure your "male organ" is just fine the way it is.  Don't let anyone tell you that you aren't perfect ~ just as you are ~ :)

Of course, there's a plethora of songs with the word “should” in the title:

That should be me – Justin Beiber

Should I stay or should I go – The Clash

Shoulda, woulda, coulda – Brian McKnight

Should’ve said no – Taylor Swift

I should have known better – The Beatles

Should be loved – Blue October

Why should I cry for you - Sting

U should have known better – Monica

I should have cheated – Keyshia

And here’s a throwback to the 80’s with an old favourite: 

May I give you some advice?  In a sentence, "dance" must never follow "should"!  Now click "play" on the next video then get on up and dance :)

Wow...that was fun! John Travolta sure knows how to dance boogie shake his groove thing!!! It's hard to believe that I was only 5 years old when that movie was released.  Hmmmm...I think I'll just keep dancing while I type or typing while I dance :)

I also found a website that will help you decide whether you “should” or “shouldn’t” do something.  All you have to do is type in a question then the all-knowing magical "should you or shouldn't you" gods will  answer with a simple “yes” or “no”:  http://www.shouldidoit.com/

So there's another example of why we need to eliminate the word “should” from our vocabulary:  to ensure websites like that one cease to exist!  Come on people, if you’re wondering whether you “should” or “shouldn’t” do something, I suggest you just shake the Magic Eight Ball for some guidance :)

I also found a blog that lists "50 things everyone should know how to do".  Again, if we didn’t have this word in our vocabulary, we wouldn't need this list!  Some of the items include change a tire, speed read, remember names, recognize personal alcohol limits (ahem!), flirt without looking ridiculous (hey baby, is that a candy cane in your pocket or a you just happy to see me?), remove a stain (after you drink too much and spill a glass of red wine on the sofa!), and end a date politely without making any promises (ahem!).  Okay, so unlike the previous website, this one is worth checking out just to see how many things you know how to do on the list.  I only scored 40 out of 50 and no, I'm not going to reveal what I don't know how to do but I'm sure you can figure it out!  But really, who cares?  It's only a list of things I "should" know how to do, not things that I "need" to know how to to do :)

Another interesting website listed "100 quotes every geek should know".  I'm sure BFF would recognize many more of the quotes since she's a fan of Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica but there were references to Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (one of my fave books!), the recently-cancelled but much loved television show Heroes, and even The Muppet Show (that's geek worthy?!).  It's worth checking out (read the comments too!) but remember that just because you "should", it doesn't mean you "must" know every quote :)

The last blog that I perused had listed "10 most common words you should stop using now" and ironically, the word “should” is both in the title of the blog post and on the list.  The other words include happiness, success, responsible, realistic, reasonable, spiritual, good/right, bad/wrong and moral.  The blooger's bloggers's arguments are that “these socially-accepted throwaway terms are crutches for unclear thinking....They encourage us to compare, judge, or fool ourselves and others.”  He ended the blog post with a quote from Ludwig Wittgenstein “The limits of my language are the limits of my world” which I thought fit nicely with my blog post and what I’m trying to achieve. 

I also found these "funnies" that visually demonstrate the uncertainty and ambiguity of the “S” word:



http://www.sigmaxi.org/resources/merchandise/harris.descriptions.shtml



As I usually do, I turned to quotes to help me better understand, and put into words what I’m feeling.  Here’s what I found:

A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be.  ~ Albert Einstein

Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill.  ~ Buddha

Knowledge of what is does not open the door directly to what should be. ~ Albert Einstein

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. ~ Mark Twain

I can’t help but wonder where science and technology would be today, if Albert Einstein had questioned whether he “should” or “shouldn’t” explore the theory of relativity.

What if Frances Mayes had decided that she "shouldn’t" go to Tuscany, Italy after her divorce?  How would she have healed from the betrayal? Would she have published 7 or so successful books?  Would she have met the man of her dreams?  (Yes, I just finished watching Under the Tuscan Sun!)

I’m hopeful that I can shake my habit of saying “should” or “shouldn’t”.  Hey, I kicked my sugar habit (4 weeks plus 4 days sugarless!) so eliminating the word "should" from my vocabulary should will be a piece of cake breeze!  My goal is to be much more aware of the words that I use (for more reasons than one!) and to start meditating again (whenever I’m ready, of course!) so I can be much more present (rife with life!) and have a better feeling of what it is I need or want to do rather than “should” or “shouldn’t” do.  Actually, I have a better idea, I think I’ll just focus on “being” :)