Freedom

“Everything that is really great and inspiring is created by the individual who can labour in freedom.”  ~ Albert Einstein

My first entry in my 2011 journal was about freedom.  I even had a full page in my journal of the artistically scribbled or coloured or drawed drawn words (didn’t we have this conversation in “The Accidental Artist”?) that defined freedom for me.  Oh the days of my explorational creativity?

Of course, you’re not able to read what I wrote in that photo so here’s my journal entry (don’t laugh!):

Freedom – I’m not sure why but this word has really stuck with me.  The last book I read was “Freedom” by Jonathan Franzen and I loved it! The word “freedom” was mentioned so many times in the novel and had so many different meanings for different people (and animals – the cerulean warbler!) but I hadn’t really thought about what freedom means to me until I finished reading the book.  I’m free from X which is the most recent and obvious act of being free.  I feel free from myself. Yes, that sounds weird but as I get older I feel freer.  It’s a sense of freedom from the feelings that me feel “unfree”.  The feelings of not being good enough, the feelings of not knowing .  With age, I feel free.  There’s also the feeling of financial freedom as you make more $.  Now I want to feel free to be creative.  I started reading “The Creative Confident “ and already there’s so much discussion about “being free” all coming from a place of creativity.  Is it a coincidence that I just finished reading “Freedom” and now I’m reading “The Confident Creative” which talks about being free? Probably not! I have felt trapped by so many things – weight, money, insecurities, fear, need for love – that maybe 2011 is the year for me to break free and be free!!! When I think about all of the journals I’ve started with a focus on losing weight or getting my finances in order, it’s no wonder I quit writing after a few days.  How depressing!  I’m slowly realizing that it’s okay to be me.  Maybe with age comes wisdom.  Maybe being so hurt by X has helped me to grow.  From the ashes, the Phoenix rose?  Or maybe it’s my weekly appointments with my therapist (realistically, I’ve only had 4 sessions with her!) or maybe it’s a combination? All I know is that I feel good but recognize that I’m a work in progress!!! 

*** check out lyrics from George Michael’s song – Freedom (anthem?)

I think I’ll start a creative basket with the tools I’ll need to be creative: ...pen, pencil, crayons, tape, magazines, computer, photos, kitchen, yoga mat, camera, tea (to stay hydrated!), sleep (ideas may come from dreams!)...

Okay, now I feel like I’m standing here naked in front of you!  So it’s been 8 months since I wrote those words but it’s not until today that I truly understand the word that had me colouring/scribbling/drawing and thinking about my life’s journey: FREEDOM!  Yes, I probably wrote that after a session with my therapist (I’m much better now!) but what really struck me in that journal entry are my list and my reference to George Michael.  First of all, the list…tea, sleep and yoga mat to be creative…really?  And there was so much more on that list that I didn't include in my blog.  How embarrassing!  Then there’s the song.  Was I really thinking that I needed an “anthem” for my journey to freedom?  Having just listened to “Freedom” by George Michael, all I can say is “Wow…definitely not my anthem!” and “Geez, I’m such a dork”! 

I also found some notes that I jotted down when I was thinking about writing a blog post on the topic of freedom.  The first was a quote from Sarah while we were making pizza together (mother-daughter bonding over homemade pizza!).  Sarah asked me about the pizza toppings and I said “do whatever you want” so she sarcastically (of course!) responded “Trace, I appreciate all that freedom”.   I guess I wasn’t the kind of parent who clips their child’s wings after all.  See all of the freedom I bestowed upon you , Sarah?  Another paper had scribbles with lyrics from the song “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles which reminds me of how I felt with X .  Now that I’m free, these words really resonate with me but not enough to be an anthem:

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

So I guess I won’t be finding a theme song for my journey.  Do I really need an anthem?  Of course I do!  I guess I’ll keep searching!  Any suggestions?

Now that I’m thinking about this topic a mere 8 months after writing that embarrassing journal entry, there’s so much more to that topic than just men, weight and money (my holy trinity of pre-2011 challenges!).  When I think about freedom, I think of it as a relative term especially since my thoughts on freedom have already changed in the last 8 months.  My understanding has evolved!  If Einstein were reading my blog (who knows…he might!), he would immediately take out a pad and pencil (although he probably didn’t have to take it out because I’m sure he always walked around with a pad and pencil…wouldn’t you if you had a mind like Einstein?  Then again, he probably didn’t have to write anything down because it was always accessible in his mind unlike me who has to write everything down – or text myself – because I can’t remember a damn thing!) and start computing an equation for me that would pin point the exact day I'd be "free" along with all of the pit stops on my journey.  Oh if only Sir Einstein were still alive to help me!  I must admit that if he were still alive, John Cusack would no longer be in the running for Future Husband (just sayin’...sorry JC!). 

Okay, so this, of course, is supposed to be a light-hearted blog so I don't want to depress everyone with my thoughts on the lack of freedom around the world.  I know some people are not free to be who they are or free to speak their mind or free to love whoever the hell they want to love for different reasons (i.e. government, family, religion).  Okay, I’m starting to get riled up so I should quit while I’m ahead but I can’t help think of Nelson Mandela who was imprisoned for decades for trying to free the people of South Africa (I’ve been lucky enough to travel to South Africa so I feel great compassion for South Africans – beautiful people, beautiful land!) or thinking about the people around the world who are fighting for human rights and freedom but end up locked up or tortured or dead, or thinking about the animals we eat (mostly you!) who have no freedom and live their entire lives in cages waiting to be slaughtered then served on a platter, or the slaves around the world who have no freedom (slavery has yet to be annihilated!) or the children who are forced into gangs to fight and die for ridiculous causes.  As upset as I get thinking about these injustices in our world (and sadly there are so many more!) because I feel helpless (yet still hopeful!), it makes me that much more grateful for my own freedom but let's face it, most of us suffer (freedom and suffering are both relative terms) because we live in our own private jail cells, fighting to break out and be free. 

So what does freedom mean to you?

According to the Oxford Dictionary, freedom is defined as “the power or right to act , speak, or think as one wants, the absence of subjection to foreign domination or despotic government,  the power of self-determination attributed to the will; the quality of being independent of fate or necessity, the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved, the state of being unrestricted and able to move easily; unrestricted use of something, or the familiarity or openness in speech or behaviour.”

“Freedom is the right to tell people what they do not want to hear” ~ George Orwell

So why all of this talk about freedom?  Why has it taken me 8 months to write this blog post?  Where do I start?

Well, on Thursday night (last night), I was able to experience a sense of freedom when I met X (yes, X!) to once again finally bring closure to our relationship.  How many times do two people have to bring closure to a relationship?  Well, I have to say that it wasn’t so much about closure for me because I think I got it when I wrote "Letter to X" but since he’s been sending me texts for the last 7+ months without any responses from me, one of which was about how much he wished things could be different between us and that he was sorry he didn't realize it sooner, I thought it was important to have a face-to-face “meeting” to let him say what he needed to say to that we can both move on (and to make sure the texting stops!).  Obviously I thought that if he’s still sending me texts that means he hasn’t moved on.  Please know that I'm not a mean person so I didn’t want to get all confrontational.  Yes, some of you may think that it was mean and inappropriate to write “Letter to X” but come on, I was hurt (and pissed!).  But on Thursday night I realized for the first time that he got hurt too (how could I not see it? I was too blinded by my own pain and could only see him as the hurter not the hurtee).  Allowing him to speak honestly about our relationship and about regrets gave us both closure (I guess that writing nasty blog posts don’t bring closure after all!) and I was able to see him as a human being with feelings after all of this time.  It's important to note that I'm not interested in re-visiting a relationship with him and that includes a friendship but I'm happy that he’s no longer a monster in my eyes!  I now feel free and I hope he does too! (I know I won't be free from interrogation by friends and family about my Thursday night pow-wow!).

Somehow those feelings of freedom multiplied exponentially on Friday (today) and lead me to do something completely out of character for me.  Partly because it was spontaneous (I didn’t think I had a spontaneous bone in my body!) but mostly because I felt a sense of freedom without fear.  So today, I went out and…well, you’ll just have to keep reading to find out :)

In our lives, we experience different moments of freedom.  Of course, there are moments of freedom when we leave or escape a bad relationship (bad could simply mean not being with someone who is right for you) and there are "freedom" milestones such moving from a crib to a “grown-up” bed or the feeling of freedom when you get your driver’s license or the freedom you experience when you move out of mom's house (right Sarah?).  Of course, when I think about freedom, all I can picture is a butterfly coming out of the cocoon…now that’s freedom!  When I look back on my life, I can think of many times I’ve felt that sense of freedom or that rush you get from the feeling of freedom.  I must admit that since meeting Dr. Acupuncture, I’ve experienced a whole new kind of freedom.  She has taught me how to free myself from negative thoughts and feelings because they have been affecting me physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  Understanding my feelings and thoughts has allowed me to release all of the negativity that I carry around with me like a fanny pack (the sexiest one you can picture with a plethora of compartments!).   Releasing the negativity including fear, worry, resentment and anger (among many other emotions…I’m an emotional person okay!) means that it can no longer harm me physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually so releasing it is a form of freedom.  It’s not easy and it’s a slow process but freedom has to start somewhere! 

It's not always about making a conscious choice to be free but rather recognizing the freedom in your everyday actions.  Interestingly, it reminds me of something a guy said on "The Bachelorette" (I watched the finale, okay?) under his favourite magnolia tree.  He said that “sprezzatura” was …. blah, blah, blah…Italian Renaissance…blah, blah, blah…finding romance in ordinary life.   It sounded really romantic when he said it and I would have probably melted had he said that to me (yes, I’m naïve!) but I thought I’d look up the real definition (The Bachelorette isn’t the best source for accurate information!).  Wikipedia (a much better reference than The Bachelorette!) describes sprezzatura as  “a certain nonchalance, so as to conceal all art and make whatever one does or says appear to be without effort and almost without any thought about it”.  I guess that's what freedom looks like to me right now.  It's finding those moments of freedom in the everyday moments.  For example:

Driving down the highway with the windows down and Pitbull feat. Ne-Yo's "Give Me Everything" blaring on the radio.  Freedom!

Sitting on the dock with my feet in the lake.  Freedom!

Being immersed in a good book.  Freedom!

Knowing how to play the piano (badly!).    Freedom!

Walking to Starbuck's and buying a Venti Soy Chai Latte. Freedom!

Being able to see my family and friends anytime. Freedom!  

Knowing that I can walk down the street or go for a bike ride without incident anytime.  Freedom!

Walking into a store and being able to buy what I need for my family and me.   Freedom!

Seeing the sun rise and set.  Freedom!

Wearing a bikini even though I'm not a size 2 or 8 or 12 (I’m a 14!) and still feeling sexy.  Freedom!

Canoeing, alone on the lake, and listening to the loons.   Freedom!

Saying "fuck you" to my Reese's Peanut Butter Cup cravings.   Freedom!

Laughter.  Freedom!

Tears.   Freedom!

Being able to wear whatever I want (even if my butt looks big!).  Freedom!

Searching for anything I want on the internet (at least I think I can!).  Freedom!

Writing this blog. Freedom!  

Cutting off all of my hair.  Freedom! 

Wait a minute! What did I just type?

”Freedom lies in being bold.”  ~ Robert Frost

In May, BFF participated in a fundraiser for cancer research at her school.  Not only did she raise money, she promised to shave her head if the students raised more than $5,000.  Guess what?  The students (and teachers!) raised over $10,000 (amazing for a small rural community!).  BFF remained committed to the cause and had her head shaved in front of the entire school.  Not only did she look beautiful, she said she experienced a sense of freedom.  Women are so attached to their hair (attachments…that a blog post for another day!).  There are so many emotions related to our hair…joy, pain, frustration, happiness, fun and bouts of vanity.  I don’t know when it happened but somehow hair became an object of sexual desire with long hair becoming much more sexually-appealing to men while women with short hair became “manly”.   I can tell you that BFF does not look manly.  She looks stunning!   I guess we all have preferences when it comes to hair attraction?  I personally like a man with a bald head but that’s just me (it’s still a hair preference nonetheless so it's wrong!).   I loved that BFF said that having her head shaved was freeing but I couldn’t imagine actually going through with chopping all of my hair off….until today!  What???  Are you ready for this?  This afternoon, I walked into my hairstylist’s salon and told her to shave my head.  Yes, that’s correct.  I said “shave my head” not “Shae’s in bed”.  I know how to enunciate!  After the shock wore off, she refused to shave my head.  Did you just breathe a sigh of relief?  If so, you might want to hold your breath because...wait for it...she did chop off all of my hair.  Yes, she did!  I was shocked to learn that my ponytail measured 13”.   I chopped off 13” of hair!!!  I think I’m having a panic attack.  Breathe!  I was so attached to my long sexy thin dry over-dyed hair but it’s gone and guess what?  I survived.  Freedom!!!

Rat tail My chopped off ponytail

I have since patted down fixed my hair so it doesn't look all spikey and/or puffy in the front (I had placed my sunglasses on my head which pushed up all of my hair...damn cowlick!).  I'm wondering if I should take a poll.  Do I look better in long hair or short hair?  You'll probably need a photo of me with my 13" long hair to vote fairly.  Well, I guess it doesn't really matter because I have short hair now and it will probably take me 7 years to grow it long again so I'd rather not know that you prefer my long hair.  What have I done?  I'm just kidding.  I'm actually digging the short hair because it really does feel like freedom.   What's truly wonderful about my new-found freedom is that I don't really give a shit what you think about my new 'do! :P

When I sat in the hairstylist’s chair and told her that I wanted to shave my hair, she kindly and lovingly said “you’re going to have to start wearing make-up and wearing big earrings!”.  I told her that I was wearing mascara and lip gloss but she just rolled her eyes then asked me why I wanted to shave my head.  What surprisingly came out of my mouth was “I have an amazingly strong-spirited friend who is battling cervical cancer.  If she can shave her head before she starts to lose her hair as she undergoes chemotherapy and look fucking beautiful then I can sit in this chair and have you chop off all of my hair, damn it!”.  That’s right….I’m pissed!  Now that the hair is gone, I’m pissed but I’m free. 

Funny enough, after she was done chopping my hair à la Edward Scissorhands, the hairstylist said "Damn, you look good girl (she's paid to say that!)!  You've got balls (in reference to the "courage" I exhibited in getting my hair chopped off - just in case it's some kind of canadianism that my international readers don't understand - you never know!)."   Of course, this is how I responded to her:  "and now I look like I have balls!"  I love it when I crack myself up :)

"The secret of happiness is freedom.  The secret of freedom is courage."  Thucydides

Okay, so maybe I don't quite fully understand what freedom means when I think about all of the people that suffer in the world but I'm starting to slowly reap the rewards of breaking free from my own chains, from the walls I’ve built up around me, from my attachments to people, things (including my hair!) and the thoughts or negative emotions that have made me feel trapped or unfree.  I recognize that what freedom means to me isn't necessarily what it means to you but I guess that is the joy of freedom.  Freedom to choose, to think, to be as we want to be!

“Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err. It passes my comprehension how human beings, be they ever so experienced and able, can delight in depriving other human beings of that precious right.”  ~  Mahatma Gandhi

When I think about "Eleanor's Words of Wisdom", I realize that "doing something every day that scares you" is a form of breaking free; a form of freedom.  Today, I chopped off all of my hair so what are you going to do today to set yourself free?

 

 “Freedom is nothing but a chance to be better.”  Albert Camus