Must Love Sweat

“Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things”  ~ George Carlin

On our way to see my parents last Saturday, Sarah and I drove by a church where people were gathering for what we assumed to be a wedding.  My first thought…I wouldn’t want to be getting married on a day like today because it’s so hot and humid.  Who wants to be all sweaty on their wedding day?  Sarah and I laughed about the fact that my husband-to-be would decide as I’m half-way down the aisle, dripping with sweat, that he longer wanted to marry the “sweaty girl”.  Sarah kindly said “yeah but Mom, by the time you get married, he would know that you sweat a lot!”.  True.  Then Sarah suggested that we put “must love sweat” in my dating profile.  Not that I have a dating profile but nonetheless, a very funny thought.  I think it’s sweat sweet that Sarah would:

a) think about creating a dating profile for her mother, and

b) make reference to a John Cusack movie (come on, don’t you remember the movie “Must Love Dogs” with Diane Lane?). 

Of course, this has me thinking:

a) will I ever get married,

b) do I need a dating profile to find a man, and

c) do I really sweat that much? 

Honestly, I’ve never put much thought into any of the above.  Okay, I may have wondered a million few times whether or not I’d ever get married and I may have asked myself a bazillion few times why I was cursed blessed with overactive sweat glands but when it comes to creating a dating profile, I haven’t put much thought into it because "I've been there, done that!".  That's right, way back in the day when online dating sites were “up and coming”, BFF and I experimented a lot a bit with those sites.  Now this was back in 1999 and 2000 so it almost seems like my online dating experiences were over a decade ago, wait a minute, they were over a decade ago…how is that possible when I’m so young???  I won’t get into too much of BFF’s online dating experiences because she’s married now and I respect her husband way too much to talk about her pre-husband dating life but before I move on to my experiences, I’d like to remind BFF of the granola-eating, Lord Byron poetry reading, hairy crazy man.  Remember him?  Or maybe you remember the “actor” with the long neck who asked if you could drive to the restaurant on your first date because he didn’t have enough gas in his car?  We have so many stories to tell but some of my "funniest” online dating moments include meeting a guy, who on our first “date”, asked me if I wanted to go to a rave then proceeded to tell me that he’d provide the ecstasy.  So sweet...next!  Another guy told me, again on our first “date”, that he worked in a government lab that conducted research on HIV and AIDS.  He told me that I needn’t worry because he got tested often for STDs.  So reassuring...next!  Oh the memories! 

How many times have you seen ads for online dating sites?  They are everywhere making you feel inadequate because you're single!!!  I won’t mention any names but you know what I’m talking about but back in the day, there were only a few sites.  I had to meet a plethora of losers before finding a man that I fell in love with and lived with for over 5 years.  Many of the losers men I met had “expectations” if you know what I mean.  Honestly, I’m not that kind of girl so those “dates” ended rather quickly.   The best thing about the online dating sites was being able to share the hilarity of it with BFF.   Of course, we were very careful when we met these men for the first time.  We always told each other where we were going and who we were with and any other information that would have helped the police track us down if we went missing.  Seriously!  I wonder how many women today take those precautions when meeting a man for the first time that they met online?  It’s a scary world out there ladies…be careful! 

A serious alert goes out to all women on the dating site "POF" because...wait for it...my ex (remember "X"?) was on that site before I met him (he claimed to have "met" over 100 women on that site which should have been the first sign that I needed to stay away from him...what was I thinking???) and when I saw him in January, he told me that he was back on the "POF" site (ewww!).  Ladies, do you need any other reasons to avoid online dating sites?  It bothers me that I can’t remember the name of the site because it would be an important PSA for all the single ladies.  Let me think.  Okay, I just did a Google search and found it (I hope my computer doesn’t end up with a "virus" now...hehehe!).  The site is called Plenty of Fish.  How pathetic!  Who would want to go looking for a man on a site called “plenty of fish”???   The site should be called "plenty of dead fish" or "plenty of rotting fish" or "plenty of fish with missing eyeballs" or "plenty of floating fish" or "plenty of desperate fish looking for a nibble" or "plenty of flushed-down-the-toilet fish" :) 

I need to focus because this blog post isn’t about fish or online dating, it’s about sweat!  When did sweat start getting a bad rap?  If I said perspiration would it be less offensive to the sweat haters?  According to Wikipedia, sweat is the production of a fluid consisting primarily of water as well as various dissolved solids (yum!) that is excreted by the sweat glands in the skin of mammals.  In humans, sweating is primarily a means of thermoregulation, although it has been proposed that components of sweat can act as phermonal cues (ha! can you smell me now?).   How would I regulate my body temperature or repel attract a man if I didn't sweat?  Well guess what?  Some men think sweat is sexy (it must be the pheromones!).  That’s right, I’ve actually been told that sweat is sexy but I wonder if the time and place made the difference (ahem!). 

Since Sarah suggested that my man (that made me chuckle because I was thinking of Rachel on Big Brother saying “no one gets between me and my man”) "must love sweat", I can't help but wonder what other "must haves" he should possess (because I've never thought about it...not!).  But before I start the list, I think it’s important to mention that I don’t sweat that much.  Really, I don’t!  Seriously!  Don’t you believe me?  Yes, I do sweat when I exercise.  Yes, I do sweat when I see a cute guy.  Yes, I do sweat when I’m in a sauna.  Yes, I do sweat when I'm dancing (it's a great workout, okay?).  Yes, I do sweat when I’m standing in 30 degree Celsius weather.  Yes, I do sweat when I’m being active (ahem!).  Yes, I do sweat when I have a high fever.  And it’s quite possible that I sweat when I get nervous (okay, quite possible = highly probable!).  I think the nervous sweat is different than the other sweat because it's more of the “sweat is pouring down my back” and “pit stains are forming” kind of sweat (sorry, just being honest!) so does it still count?  Oh yeah, I’d probably sweat during hot yoga too which reminds me of a funny story.  This morning, I told BFF that I was thinking about taking hot yoga which is offered at a yoga studio near my office.  I told her that I thought it might be good for my frozen shoulder to take a hot yoga class even if I can’t do all of the moves (yes, I’m using the shoulder as an excuse for not being able to do the yoga moves!).  She snootily kindly said that yes, the heat might be good for my shoulder but I'd probably have to show up in a terry cloth outfit to absorb all of my sweat.  Can you believe her?!?  As it usually does, the conversation got a little out of control…we wondered if I could do hot yoga in a tub to collect the sweat or maybe a baby pool or maybe we could “McGyver” an eaves trough system that would allow the sweat to drip off of my body into a cup bucket.  Wow…can't wait to sign up for hot yoga! Who wants to join me?  I wonder if I can request the following song during yoga class?

Man, I loved that song in high school!  While the video played, I couldn't help but get up and boogie (how could you not?).  I must admit that it made me sweat a little. 

Okay, so enough about me and my sweat, let’s get to that list of “Tracey's man musts”:

Must be Greek

Must be kind, loving, caring, sweet, respectful, generous, compassionate, loyal, responsible (etc...)

Must be tall, dark and handsome (beauty is in the eye of the beholder so short, fair-skinned, fat and ugly might be all I could get what I seek!)

Must be motivated to succeed (whatever success is for him!)

Must respect my need for alone/quiet time

Must be John Cusack

Must love nature and/or outdoors and animals

Must be active (so he can motivate me to be active!)

Must respect my need to write in my journal and will absolutely not read my journal (even when he finds it open on my bed!)

Must have similar morals and values (an absolute must!)

Must be funny or at least have a sense of humour or at the very least laugh at my “jokes”

Must be willing to accept my dorky ways

Must have a brain (and use it!)

Must be willing to negotiate (as I am!)

Must love to travel or at least financially support my dream to see the world

Must love to read or at the very least must accept that I love to read (and buy books!)

Must love me "just as I am"

Must love himself or at least be open to learning how to love himself

Must love kissing me (and other related activities!)

Must love my family and friends (or at least tolerate them!)

Must love my blog!!!

Okay, so maybe “the must list” is unrealistic because I've omitted so much from the list the “perfect” man doesn’t exist (John Cusack…ahem!) but I’ve never been willing to settle for anything less, hence the reason why I’m still single!  I know I’m special (yes, I do!) so I need an equally-special man to spend the rest of my life with (and every day that goes by, that lifetime gets a little shorter!).   After my last disastrous relationship, I’ve been unable to think about being in another relationship much less jump into another one, hence the reason why I’ve been single for over a year.  I know, I know, when you fall off of your bike, you should get right back on but my knees and elbows are scraped, my ankle is twisted, my baby finger is broken, my nose is bleeding, my front tooth is broken, my spandex bike shorts are ripped, my nail is chipped, my mascara is running from all of the tears, and I have a concussion so I’m not ready to get back on the bike yet (I want my mommy!).  When the time is right, the “perfect” man will appear in my life.  By perfect, I don’t mean that he’s perfect because no one is perfect (well, I’m as close as they get to perfection, I guess).  I simply mean that he is perfect for me!  Finding my true love, my life partner, my husband is worth the weight wait (I hope!).  Oh yeah, and did I mention...he must love sweat :P

P.S.  What do you think...should I have named the blog post "Slippery when wet"?