Sometimes my blog has the ability to make me feel buck naked (or is it butt naked?). Not literally, of course, but figuratively speaking. Well, I must admit that I do sometimes write in the nude. Okay, not really in the nude but wrapped in a towel having just come out of the bathtub feeling inspired to write (just to clarify – I wasn’t inspired by my own nakedness!). As I sit here comfortably on my bed (fully-clothed!) with laptop and cup of tea (wishing I had a piece or two or ten of chocolate!), I can’t help but wonder how much of my clothing (and dignity!) I’ll be losing tonight with this blog post.
Okay, so the “freedom” theme from last week’s blog post has treacherously leached its way into this week’s blog post because it’s pretty much all I could think about this week (besides Sarah moving away for university, my new boyish haircut, work deadlines, my new boyish haircut, piano lessons, BFF’s honey coming home, piano practice (or lack of!), my sugar cravings, my new boyish haircut, and my sugar cravings!). Every now and then (pretty much when I was asleep or awake), I found myself thinking: “What else do I need to do to be free? What has me tied down or duct-taped or wrapped in chains?” Dramatic, yes but nonetheless it is 100% honest! Think. Think. Think.
Love. Unrequited. Love.
When you think about unrequited love, what comes to mind? Maybe a storyline in a novel you’ve read (there are so many!) or maybe a movie you watched (again…so many!) or maybe you’re thinking about your own experience (or experiences!) with unrequited love. Well, when I think about unrequited love, I think about this “Dear Abby” letter that I read recently:
Dear Abby,
I’m in love. Actually, I’ve been in love with “N” for 13+ years. So what’s the problem, you ask? Well, he doesn’t love me. At least, I don’t think he does. I’ve never asked him, actually. Actually, I’ve never told him that I love him. That’s right; it’s another sad case of unrequited love.
The moment I saw him, I knew. There he stood…tall, dark and handsome, but there was so much more to him that I couldn't see yet felt. We started off as colleagues. He had a girlfriend at the time yet he was everything I always knew I always wanted (sorry that's a little twist on one of my favourite quotes from a movie - Fools Rush In). His brain, his humour, his kindness, his vulnerability, his heart, his depth and his strength made him even sexier to me. Yet I couldn't have him. At least, I never thought I could have him. That has been the theme of this 13-year long story of unrequited love. He has come in and out of my life at the most opportune or inopportune times (depending on how you look at it!). It’s usually when I'm starting a new relationship or ending one (or about to end one!). How could he possibly know? A phone call or an email from him has prompted boyfriends to wonder about this man. Some boyfriends have become obsessed or worried or defensive at the mere sound of his name. Can they tell just by the way I say his name? Do I try too hard to convince them that he is "just a friend"? Is it still a lie when you don't even know that you’re lying?
How could I ever truly hide how he makes me feel or how my body, heart and soul remember everything about him? Or how my heart beats faster when I think about him? Or how my breathing becomes irregular when he’s near? Or how the butterflies begin to stir in my stomach, as if they’ve just come out of their cocoon, when I hear his voice? How could I ever hide my trembling lips when I remember how they feel when his lips touch mine? How could I ever forget the way he pushes my hair out of my face or how my body responds when I hear him say my name or how we feel like one when we're together? How could I forget how cute he sounds when he says “sweet!” or “nice!”? How can I hide my excitement when I receive a text or e-mail from him that’s addressed to “Sweets” or “Babe” or “Dood”? How can I ever forget his smell? (There's something about his smell that drives me absolutely crazy - a possible study on pheromones?)
How is it possible to hide those feelings even when you think you're in love with another man? No matter how hard I try to forget him, I can't. He just keeps popping back into my life. Is it possible that I just haven’t met the man who could make me forget “N” or maybe I'm not meant to forget him because he's "the one"?
What do I do? Do I wait for him or is it time to move on? I need your help!!!
Sincerely,
Sadly unrequited in love
As I was
Okay, so you’re probably wondering who I’ve been pining for all of these years (besides John Cusack!). Well, my blog has probably given it away a million times – he’s a geek Greek! I know that only rules out 90% of the world population (give or take a few million!) but who he is has nothing to do with this blog post because it’s all about unrequited love. Actually, this blog post is less about unrequited love and more about letting go of this unrequited love and recognizing that I’m free to “break up” with my unrequited love. It’s important to note that this blog post is not meant to weigh the pros and cons of my “relationship” with “N” because a) there are way too many pros and cons to list and I’m not sure I want to pick a side, b) we would have to address “friends with benefits” or “no strings attached” relationships (my parents and daughter read this blog!), c) I respect “N” too much and have no harsh feelings towards him (obviously!), and d) if he wanted to be in a relationship with me, he should have been a man and said so a long fucking time ago! Clearly, no debate is needed :)
What I’ve discovered while writing/typing this blog post is that the beauty of unrequited love is that it's a mystery...you never know if it's truly unrequited or not. In a way, my love for “N” seems so much more romantic (and tragic!) because it is unrequited. I can’t help but wonder, if it was “requited love” would I still be interested?
“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.” ~ Albert Einstein
So after 13 years of loving this man, is it time to finally move on?
Well, I've decided that the next time I receive a text message or email addressed to Dood, Sweets or Babe, I will not be responding. That's right! The pain is just too great so I'm closing the door on this tragic story of unrequited love. Not only is the door closed, the door is locked, the chain is on, all three deadbolts are locked, the alarm has been activated, and the door has been sealed shut with crazy glue, caulking, scotch tape and duct tape. There's no way in hell this door will ever be opened again. If it is, well someone should call David Copperfield because I'm sure he'd be interested in knowing how this impossible feat was made possible.
Freedom??? I'm not quite sure yet.
Freedom??? I'm not quite sure yet.
Okay, so now that I’ve moved on. What? Wait a minute! I’ve moved on already? Wow that was easy! :P
Seriously though, I can’t help but wonder if there’s a mathematical equation that could help me let go and move forward. I actually had this thought while watching an episode of Num8ers (a great show that used math to solve criminal cases but it was cancelled!). The mathematician in the show had written a book about the mathematics of love so I’mwishing thinking there must be a mathematical equation that would predict the next phase of my love life (not that I’m in a hurry - I need to let my hair grow out - but it would be nice to know that there is someone waiting in the wings!). I think I’ll start with a sequential non-linear differential mathematical equation that would compute data from my previous relationships to forecast my love life. Let’s see what happens…
Seriously though, I can’t help but wonder if there’s a mathematical equation that could help me let go and move forward. I actually had this thought while watching an episode of Num8ers (a great show that used math to solve criminal cases but it was cancelled!). The mathematician in the show had written a book about the mathematics of love so I’m
T = a girl named Tracey
Meets the following boys:
E = 1st love
D = 2nd love
T = 3rd love
X = 4th love
N = Unrequited love (one and only…thank goodness!!!)
I = Insignificant data points along the journey to love = Toads = Unmentionables/Forgettables (too many to mention…basically I can’t remember their names! FYI – I’m not that kind of girl so don’t be thinking I’m some kind of floozy!).
Some very wise mathematicians would predict that “N” would re-appear in the future but we’ve already dealt with him (that door is closed, remember?) so ha! I guess you’re not so wise after all!!! So to those of you who are much wiser than the wisest mathematicians, I would have polled you had there been more time before my blog posting deadline, but there wasn’t enough time so now you need to dig deep (quickly!) to find the answer to this sequential mathematical equation (it seems so dynamic, existential and tangible, doesn’t it!). As many brilliant minds have done in the past, I have mused over this equation (assuming that one can actually “muse” over an equation!) for
Most definitely to be continued…
Don't fall for anyone....unless they are willing to catch you.
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