I am beautiful

I have never spoken those words about myself…until now! 

People have said those words to me but I never believed them…until now!

Is that what Bell’s palsy is teaching me? 

I’m sure you’re sick and tired of hearing about what Bell’s palsy has taught me but let’s face it, it’s been around for almost 3 months so I can’t help but think that it’s been around for this long because I haven’t yet learned the lessons.   Sadly, I can barely look at myself in the mirror right now.  In the beginning, I didn’t really have any issues with how I looked because in my mind, it was temporary, and by temporary, I mean 3 – 4 weeks maximum!  

It’s been 12 weeks now, and yes, there have been improvements but sometimes I find myself unable to look in the mirror without crying.  I know it sounds very sad, and my family and friends are probably feeling very sorry (and sad!) for me right now but you need not!  I’m currently in the process of learning how to love my self.  

After writing last week’s blog post “Choose Your Words!!!”, I realized that I needed to change the way I “speak” to myself.  

When I saw Dr. Acupuncture last week, I couldn’t stop crying.  I explained to her how I’ve been feeling about myself.  Every day, I wake up hoping that my face will be back to “normal” and every day, I’m disappointed and frustrated.  She suggested that I start living my life as if the paralysis is permanent in order to remove the daily expectations of being fully healed.  No, the paralysis isn’t permanent but by living my life as if it is, it means that I can actually resume living my life!  She reminded me that I’m still me, and that I’m still the beautiful woman that I was 3 months ago (inside and out!).  By living my life without expectations, I will be happier.  Right now, I’m not living.   I’m hiding out until the signs of Bell’s palsy are all gone.  What kind of life is that?  I’m so embarrassed that I feel this way but it’s the truth.  Why am I revealing so much about myself today?  Because I know there are many people like me out there who have their lives on hold, who are waiting for a change (big or small!) in their life to start living.  We need to start living right now because we don’t know what tomorrow will bring.  Whatever has put your life on hold is happening for a reason.  Take a look at what’s holding you back and try to address it, and start living again! 



Sometimes you have to pick yourself up and carry on!

(I saw this on a friend's FB page and had to have it because it's brilliant
but I'm not sure who deserves the credit...sorry!)

I’ve been reflecting quite a bit on my conversation with Dr. Acupuncture.  She reminded me that I’m not perfect; that no one is perfect!  I have since realized that although I’m not perfect, there’s a kind of perfection in the imperfection.   We are all perfect as we are; imperfections and all!   

Who gets to decide what’s perfect anyways? 

Is a person with a partially-paralysed face imperfect?  Is a person living with a mental illness imperfect?  Is a woman who is in love with another woman, or a man who is in love with another man imperfect?  Is a person who is born with dark-coloured skin imperfect?  Is a person who has different beliefs than yours imperfect?  Is a person who does things differently than you imperfect?  Just because someone is different than you, does that make them imperfect?  Does that make them worthy of being isolated or condemned or humiliated or belittled?  By focusing on our differences, are we creating unnecessary suffering? 

This week, I saw these videos and realized how much courage it takes to embrace our differences.  The first video is Scott James, a young man with autism who had been hiding away in his home for the last 7 years but found the courage to audition for The X Factor in the UK:

We all need to be “raised up” so we can find the love and passion in our life that will allow us to live an authentic and fulfilled life!  Thank you Scott James :) 

The next video is of a young woman, Kayla Kearney, who had the courage to come out in front of her peers. 

Why do we need so much courage to be who we were born to be?  What can we do to ensure a paradigm shift in the way we treat each other?  How can we start celebrating our differences rather than look down on them?  Does the amount of courage we exhibit increase exponentially with an increase in self-love? (don't worry...there are no charts today!)

Well, Dr. Acupuncture reminded me that I need to find a way to fill the emptiness inside of me with self-love.  If we all filled the emptiness inside of us with self-love, could we change the world?   I’m currently reading “Teachings on Love” by Thich Nhat Hanh  and I highly recommend this book to everyone.   I think it would be a perfect gift for someone you love!  Here’s a meditation on self-love that is recommended by Thich Nhat Hanh (I usually recite it before I start my meditation):

May I be peaceful, happy, and light in body and spirit.

May I be safe and free from injury.

May I be free from anger, afflictions, fear and anxiety.

May I learn to look at myself with the eyes of understanding and love.

May I be able to recognize and touch the seeds of joy and happiness in myself.

May I learn to identify and see the sources of anger, craving, and delusion in myself.

May I learn how to nourish the seeds of joy in myself every day.

May I be able to live fresh, solid and free.

May I be free from attachment and aversion, but not be indifferent.   

Reading this book (many times!), I've been able to reflect on the following:  why do I/we struggle with loving myself/ourselves?   The answer is obviously not very simple! 

Since Chris Martin from Coldplay isn’t here to fix me (or us), I’m here to tell you that the way we perceive ourselves is mostly wrong and we need to fix it!  Somehow, we were taught to believe that we are not good enough.  I’m here to tell you that we are good enough!!!  No matter the illness, the sexual-orientation, the race, the religion, the marital status, the colour of your hair, the size of your hips, the slope of your nose, your IQ, the size of your boobs, your job,  your income…we need to change the way we look at ourselves and others.  We are all human beings who have something to learn in this life and we all matter!  Yes, I’ll say it again…WE ALL MATTER!!!   Does knowing that we have more similarities than differences make us more loving, more respectful, more understanding and more compassionate towards one another?  More importantly, will it make us more loving, more respectful, more understanding and more compassionate towards ourselves?   When we learn to practice self-love, do we become more loving towards each other?

When Sarah was born, I remember telling my dad that no man would want to marry a single mother.  Since I was only 21 years old when I uttered those irrational words, I was able to forgive myself for having such a ridiculous belief.   Sure, I’ve never been married but that’s because I haven’t found the right man, not because I’m a single mother!   Then last week, in a moment of self-pity, I told Dr. Acupuncture the same thing I told my dad 18 years ago:  no man will want to marry a woman who has a partially-paralysed face.   It blows my mind that I uttered those same irrational words at 39 years old!  Dr. Acupuncture told me the same thing my dad told me “when the right man comes along, he will love you for you”.  Both times, the response sounded like complete bullshit to me but upon reflection, it’s true. 

How do I know it’s true?  Because I’ve ended relationships with men who weren’t right for me, just as I wasn’t the right woman for them.  Some people get lucky and find the “one” early on in life but for me, it’s taken a little longer.  Even though I have issues with loving myself, I’m realizing that it’s because I love myself that I never settled for someone who wasn’t right for me.   That realization gave me the following idea: instead of focusing on my “condition”, I’m going to identify ways that demonstrate that I love myself.  For example, I’ve completely changed my eating habits (no more sugar!)  because I want to be healthy, and because I obviously love myself!   By acknowledging all of my past decisions and actions that were motivated by self-love, I might actually start realizing that I've had the love inside of me all along, just as Glenda, the good witch said to Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz: "You've always had the power, my dear.  You've had it all along".   

As a mother, my priorty is to be the best role model for my daughter, and that means loving me!  How can I teach her how to love herself and to love others when I don’t know how to love myself?  I know that learning to love is a life-long process (or acknowledging that I already know how!) and I’m now learning how to embrace all of the teachable moments (i.e. Bell’s palsy!). 

Last night, I asked Sarah if she could take a few photos of me.  I told her it was for my blog but I couldn't give her the details since she likes loves reading my blog every week so I didn't want to spoil the fun of reading my blog for her .  In all of her wisdom, she said "is it a blog post about self-acceptance?".   Hmmmm...that kid really gets me thinking!  Yes, in a way this blog post is about self-acceptance or more appropriately the struggle of self-acceptance, hence self-love.   

While waiting to get photographed, I wondered if there is correlation between our willingness to get photographed and self-love.  The more we love ourselves, the more willing we are to get photographed?   If that's true, I need to really start working on loving myself because I've never enjoyed getting photographed.  It's torturous to me!  I've always claimed that I'm not very photogenic so anytime I see someone with a camera, I somehow manage to "disappear" to avoid getting photographed.   Well, now that I have Bell's palsy, my need to "disappear" has grown exponentially (x 1,000,000!).   Adding to the gazillion reasons for "no photos" is the fact that I haven't had my eyebrows done in 3 months nor has my hair been dyed, and I can't wear my contact lenses!   Hmmmm....now I'm wondering if there is a correlation between self-love and taking care of yourself (i.e. eyebrowns, hair, make-up, nails, etc) or are the lack of make-up, the bushy eyebrows, the gray hair, the "in-need of a manicure" nails all signs of self-love because you don't need those things to love yourself?  If so, maybe I love myself more than I think  :o)

So a couple of weeks ago, at the Christmas parade, BFF was taking photos of us as we waited for Santa to arrive.  I was overwhelmed with humiliation (please note that it was self-inflicted humiliation!).   We tried to pose in a way that would "hide" my Bell's palsy but let's face it, you can't hide Bell's palsy.  One side of your face is paralysed which means that the other side has to compensate for the weakness of the other which results in an overcompensation so basically, the left side ends up pulling even further to the left.   The bottom line is that you can't "hide" the effects of Bell's palsy (no matter how hard I try!) so as of today, I'm hoping that I no longer have to hide because hiding Bell's palsy means hiding me!   I need to continue practicing self-love (as difficult as it may be!) which includes loving the effects of Bell's palsy. 

“To be beautiful means to be yourself.  You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.”

~  Thich Nhat Hanh

What better way to practice self-love than to say “I am beautiful” :)