Go, Go Ego

“I began writing my journal when I was twelve.  I am still writing because I am compelled to find meaning in my experience.”  ~  Marion Woodman

Reading these words reminded me why I started blooging blogging.

“You’re not a born writer.  Every time I walk by, you’re gazing at the trees.  You think everything through and then you write down your conclusion.  A born writer would keep writing the process down.”  ~  Marion Woodman’s husband to Marion

Reading these words this weekend reminded me why I stopped blooging blogging.  

 

How could I go from posting on my blog once a day, to once a week, to once a month, to never?   Why did I start blooging blogging in the first place?  Why did I stop blooging blogging?

The truth? 

My ego!  

On December 28^th, 2010, I started this blog while watching Bridget Jones’ Diary.  Yes, I was inspired by Bridget Jones!  She reminded me that “just as you are” is perfect but thanks to the ego, perfect is never good enough! 

It has been 106 days since I last posted on my blog.  You have no idea how many blog posts I have started since publishing “My Birthday Gift” on April 22nd.   There was the blog post for Sarah’s birthday, for Mother’s Day, for Father’s Day, the Fear/Love blog post that I started and many more.  So what happened?   Well, the ego happened and now it's time to put my ego aside and start blooging blogging!  So here I am but how did I get here?   Get ready...I have to catch you up on the last 106 days  : )

Before I begin, happy belated birthday to Sarah....happy belated Mother's Day to Mom...happy belated Father's Day to Dad...and to all of the other special occasions that I missed on my blog...maybe next year???  :P

Okay, so a few weeks ago, Dr. Acupuncture asked me to guide the dancing meditation at the next Volunteer Day.  Dancing Meditation???  I didn’t know what it was but I knew if two of my favourite things (dancing and meditation!) were combined, it had to be a good thing!  So I immediately started to look for the perfect music (of course, it had to be perfect!).  Once I found the perfect music, I let Dr. Acupuncture know and I asked her if she wanted to hear it first.  Her response:  “No, that’s okay. I don’t have to hear it.”    Later she asked me if I could prepare something on “No ego, no expectations” to discuss prior to the dancing meditation.  Yikes!  My first thought:  “why would anyone want to hear me speak when Dr. Acupuncture, with all of her wisdom, is in the same room?”   Well, that was a nice start to preparing something on “no ego, no expectations”!  For two weeks, I meditated and reflected on “no ego, no expectations”.  The more I thought about it, the more aware I became of my own ego and of my own expectations (everything has to be perfect!).    I also became aware that my ego was responsible for all of these expectations.  Those expectations included expectations of myself and of others.  I also became aware of the expectations other people had of me.  Talk about being overwhelmed by expectations!  Who can realistically manage all of those expectations?   Wouldn’t it be easier if we no longer had any expectations?   To get rid of expectations, do we have to get rid of the ego?  Okay, so it was obvious that the only way I could prepare for the talk on “no ego, no expectations” was to write a dissertation on the ego.  Where would I start?   Oh yeah, let's start with a definition : )

According to the Oxford Dictionary, ego (noun) is defined as:

a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance:

Psychoanalysis: the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity. Compare with id and superego.

Philosophy (in metaphysics): a conscious thinking subject.

Okay, so there are three different definitions for ego but which one do I use?  Think, think, think!    How would I define my ego?   That’s easy:  my false self.   Okay, maybe it’s not that easy to put into words but I think that’s how my ego makes me feel because any time I think something good about myself, my ego argues with me so that’s how I know that it provides me with a false sense of who I am whether it’s a good thought (seldom!) or a bad thought (too often!).  

My ego’s profile:

·         False self

·         Controlling and possessive

·         Believes it is always right and everything/everyone else is wrong

·         Identifies itself with my possessions, my physical appearance, my job, with how much or how little money I have in my bank account, my knowledge, my education, my belief system, etc…

·         Always needs outside approval, recognition, justification and constant attention

·         Always wants to win, to be proven right and be better than others

·         Produces a tremendous amount of stress

·         Just "being" is never good enough

·         Jealous, impatient, hateful and mean

·         Un-authentic

·         My biggest fan one day and my biggest critic the next

So if my ego was on a dating site, that would be a pretty accurate description (I recognize that people aren't always honest on dating sites but my ego's profile would be 100% accurate!).  How would you describe your ego? 

When I think about my ego, I think about the words “my”, “mine” and “me”.  I believe my ego is always thinking “what’s in it for me?” and "I want, I want, I want!"  Of course, that leads to expectations and attachments.   When I visualize my ego, this is what I see:

Yup, if my ego had a physical appearance, it would look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings!  When I think of my ego’s attachments, I hear my ego say “My precious” exactly how Gollum refers to the ring.  We know that Gollum became obsessed with the ring but in reality, it was his ego that got attached to the ring, and thus turned him into the Gollum that scares the shit out of me every time I watch Lord of the Rings.  Not only does he scare me, he also makes me very sad because before he became Gollum, he was a hobbit named Smeagel.   The sadness and fear come from knowing that, in every moment, we can choose to be either Gollum or  Smeagel.  Who do you want to be?   

I must admit that I am grateful for my inner Gollum because it has provided me with contrast.   I was only able to see what was “real” and what was the “truth” when I saw what was "false".  Only at that point was I able to see my “true self”.  Now that I recognize the difference, it is time to say: "Go, Go Ego"!!!

“Midlife is the time to let go of an overdominant ego and to contemplate the deeper significance of human existence.” ~ C.G. Jung

(please note that you don't have to be "midlife" to let go of the ego but I connected greatly with the quote and I'm not even close to "midlife" yet!)

Dancing meditation is a great way to experience the difference between ego and “true self”.   It’s the difference between “doing” and “being” or to use the dance analogy, it’s the difference between the “dancer” and the “dance”.   

The best way to address the ego is to be aware of it, to recognize it when it creeps into your thoughts, your beliefs, your attitudes and your actions.  For me, meditation and reflection allow the ego to dissipate until I am left with a feeling of selflessness which is my “true self”. 

I recently started learning different mudras (hand positions) in yoga and meditation.  A well-known mudra is the Gyan mudra where the index finger and thumb join to complete a circle.  

  

What I learned is that the index finger symbolizes the ego while the thumb symbolizes the Universe/Divine/God (please note that there are many interpretations but I’ve chosen this one!) so when the two join to complete the circle, it signifies that we have surrendered to the Universe/Divine/God.  Also, the Gyan mudra represents knowledge and expansion.   As always, the timing of this information is perfect!

I also recently learned that when Vivekenanda, an Indian Saint of the 19th century, was asked how to get rid of the ego, he responded:

“In the springtime, observe the blossoms on the fruit trees vanish of themselves as the fruit grows. So too will the ego vanish as the divine grows within you.”

I encourage you to meditate or reflect on “no ego, no expectations”.  What appeared to me these last few weeks is that I need to shift, let go and surrender, in order to transform.   What’s the best (and fun-est!) way to let go and surrender?  Dancing meditation!!!

Now let’s dance!   

For the dancing meditation, the key is to “forget the dance, the ego, and become the dance”.  You must forget that “you” are dancing and begin to feel that you are the dance.  Only when the ego disappears does it become meditation.  Don’t force the dance, just let it flow.    

“Dance like there's nobody watching,

Love like you’ve never been hurt,

Sing like there's nobody listening,

And live like it's heaven on earth.”

Try it, you’ll love it!!!  Now I must admit that after my experience on Volunteer Day at the Clinic where the dancing meditation involved wearing blindfolds (no ego, remember!), I came home and thought “I need to blog about this!” because it certainly brings new meaning to “dance like no one is watching".  Well, here I am 9 days later and I’m blogging about it!   Wearing blindfolds, in a group setting, was a great way to truly experience the dancing meditation as opposed to being the dancer with an ego, who is dancing and thinking “I hope I don’t look like an idiot” or “she’s a much better dancer than me” or “why did I agree to do this?” or “I wonder if he’s judging me right now” or “is she laughing at me?”.   What's great is when the ego disappears, these thoughts disappear too.   Sure, we needed to be blindfolded to experience "no ego" but it worked!  Now I must admit that I wasn’t blindfolded because I was guiding the dancing meditation but being in a room full of people who are blindfolded provides the same experience – no ego!   

While I was getting ready to go to the clinic that day (I had also volunteered to do Chinese cupping and Reiki before the meditation), I decided to wear my hair in pig tails.  Yes, like a school girl!  Sarah said “Mom, you’re kind of losing your street cred with those pig tails”.   (Oh, that kid cracks me up!)  Well, after the dancing meditation, I realized that there was meaning to those pig tails because I had danced like I was wearing pig tails…I was a dance with pig tails!  I'm not sure exactly what "dance like your hair is in pig tails" means but it was freeing and it was magical!  

And that’s when this blog post really started to take shape.  What shape do you ask?  Well, keep reading…

So four weeks ago, I started taking a class on Tuesday nights with 12 amazing women and 1 man.  The course is called “From Critic to Coach” and it’s based on the book “Me First” by Betty Healey.  Both Betty and her husband Jim are the course “coaches”.   Every week, we get together to share and learn from each other.  It never ceases to amaze me how much we have in common yet on a daily basis, we tend to focus solely on our differences.  Geez, we sure do like to make ourselves miserable, don't we?!?  I must say that it’s so wonderful to feel safe enough to share my feelings, thoughts and experiences with other women (and man!), and to be inspired by everyone’s story.   My biggest aha! moment came when I realized that what “from critic to coach” really means to me is “from ego to heart”.   Hmmmmmm...

Also, I'm sure it's no coincidence that the week I decide to blog again, is the week we are asked to answer these questions:  What lights you up?  What have you given up in the past that you always wanted to return to?  What is your passion?   Hmmmmm....

Are you starting to see the shape that this blog was taking on inside of me?   The experiences just kept coming; pushing me to blog again….

So on August 2nd, I called my parents to wish them a happy anniversary (they celebrated their 45th wedding anniversary!!!) only to find out that they were married on August 5th not August 2nd!   Wow…I’ve only known about their wedding anniversary for 40 years so it’s easy to understand why I would forget such an important date, right?!!?   I was informed of my slight error when Dad called me on August 3rd to say thanks and to let me know that I was a few days early (duh!). We laughed about the message I had left…some long rambling message about being thankful that they met and married 45 years ago because had that not happened, I wouldn’t be here, Bro wouldn’t be here nor would Sarah.   I told him I would have to come up with an even better ramble on the actual day and he mentioned that I could blog about it.  You see, some people actually miss my blog.  Shocking, I know!  Any little encouragement to get me blogging again is always welcome but really, it doesn’t help.  Sarah has gently brought up the subject of “non-blogs” quite a few times but I could never bring myself to blog.  Sure, I started many times but never finished.   As I typed those last 8 words, I felt something deep inside of me twitch.  No, I’d rather not explore that twitch right now (a blog post for another day?)! Instead, let’s focus on another Twitch…

Yes, we went to see Step Up Revolution 3D this weekend (Sarah, Reb, Jess and me!) so I have Twitch on the brain.  He’s so damn cute and talented!  Did you see him do the upside down worm?  Amazing!   Taking hip hop classes is definitely on my “to do” list…if my ego permits!  :)

Okay so maybe the encouragement did work because here I am, right? 

Before I forget, I’d like to publicly acknowledge the tremendous feat that my parents have accomplished:

Happy 45^th wedding anniversary Mom and Dad!!!

Wishing you another 45 years of marital bliss :)

So far, the contributing factors to my blooging blogging return include encouragement and inspiration from family and friends, Dr. Acupuncture, the preparation for “No Ego, No Expectations”, dancing meditation, the study of mudras, “From Critic to Coach” classes and all of the wonderful women and man who participate and inspire me, Twitch, Lord of the Rings, and of course, Marion Woodman.   But wait, there’s more…

Last week, BFF posted a link to something on Facebook.  The title of the post was “In Omnia Paratus” so of course I had to check it out because it might be a reference to one of my favourite episodes of Gilmore Girls (You Jump, I Jump, Jack).  Of course, it was!  Not only was I pleasantly surprised about the reference, I was even more elated to see that it was the title of a blog written by Reb (BFF’s daughter and my NVD!).  What an inspiration!!!  I cried as I read her posts (there are only 3 so far but there are many more to come, I’m sure!) not because they were sad but because I felt so much joy reading them knowing that she had found something she connected with creatively.  The title of her first post is “Getting to know me as I get to know myself...”.  Hello, Reb is 14 years old!!!  She captured in 10 words exactly what I’ve been trying to understand about this “Just as you are” blog.   Thank you!!!

Writing is definitely important to me but it’s also something that makes me feel very vulnerable.  Ah, something else to add to my ego’s profile “makes feeling vulnerable a bad thing!”.   Journaling has always (as long as I can remember!) been an outlet and has helped me make sense of my thoughts, my beliefs, my feelings, my relationships, my actions and my experiences.   Through writing, I was able to find peace, if only in that moment.   That foundation of peace was shaken when “X” an ex-boyfriend decided to read parts of the journal he found on my bed.   Until that point, I never thought someone would break my heart trust by reading a journal that is clearly marked “PRIVATE” but it happened.   Sadly, I destroyed most of my journals after that happened, and it took me a while to get back to journaling.  Of course, I learned something very valuable from that experience: a) take a deep breath before you react to an emotionally painful experience and b) break up with that jack ass immediately after this happens…don’t move in with him!  b) keeping my thoughts and feelings hidden in a journal is like keeping myself hidden from the world (I know, I know, I've just revealed a piece of myself that doesn't really want to be revealed, hence, has been hidden, and thus, I will continue to write without elaborating on this point...yes, this is definitely a blog post for another day!).   So as I write about this experience, I’m reminded of how it has contributed to one of my life’s biggest lessons:  trust and accept that everything happens for a reason!

It’s amazing to believe that all of those experiences and learnings have led me to this blog post and to this life lesson on how to facilitate my “Go, Go Ego” manoeuvre (yes, it’s a daring manoeuvre!):

It appears to have taken me 106 days and 3,032 words to bring you the diagram that has changed my life.  Sure, I could have just presented you with the diagram in the blog post but it’s really the experiences that lead to understanding how to transform my life that needed to be shared.   Every experience brings us closer to understanding who we are and why we are here!  I know I’m not the only one out there who struggles à la ego so this blog post is for every person who has suffered, who is suffering or who will suffer.   Next time you hear that little voice in your head say “you’re not good enough” or “you’re not worthy” or “you can’t do that” or “what will people think?” or “don’t write that in your journal because someone might read it” or “don’t bother writing that blog post because no one wants to hear what you have to say”, bring those thoughts into your heart where only love flows and that little voice in your heart will say “you are good enough”, “you are worthy”, “you can do anything”, “you can trust” and “you are love”!  All it takes is a shift from ego to heart, letting go of expectations and attachments to trust and have faith, surrendering your fear to love, and only then will your suffering be transformed into peace and joy.   Isn’t that a better place to be?

Well, I must say that blogging again is a great place to be right now!   This week, Reb and Marion Woodman reminded me “why” I write:  it’s a great way to learn about myself and it helps me to find meaning in my experiences.   But while writing this blog post, I’m discovering that it’s not just about writing but it’s also about sharing.  By being able to share what you create with others, whether it’s writing, drawing, photography, cooking, painting, dancing or whatever your creative outlet may be, you are providing opportunities for others to learn from your experiences.  As a mother, I believe it's the greatest gift I can give my daughter (the person who inspires me the most!): to share my experiences with her so she can learn from them!   Instead of just sharing them with her, I choose to share them with you too...lucky you  : )   

Now if you’re saying to yourself:  “Well, I don’t have a creative outlet” this would be a good time to use the “go, go ego” manoeuvre and allow your creativity to flow.   Trust me, once you allow yourself to think “I am creative” (with your heart!) , you’ll be pleasantly surprised to see how creativity appears in your life (but that’s a blog post for another day!).

So don’t be afraid to create, to share, to inspire…regardless of what your ego tells you :)

“I have let go of almost everything that didn’t feel authentic to my soul.  I let go of everything that used to define me so I could allow my soul to start to define me.” ~ Sera Beak