My Birthday Gift

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” ~ Mark Twain

Remember me?  My apologies for not posting sooner but something has been holding me back from publishing this blog post.  I’ve had this blog post partially written since the weekend after my birthday but something has been missing.  Thankfully, experiences this week have blessed me with the material that I needed to have this blog post feel whole, and to finally publish it!  But first, I’m sure you’re curious to know what I’ve been up to for the last 7 weeks (yikes!). Well lucky for you, I’ve got lots to tell :)

So what have I been doing?

I celebrated my 40th birthday with family and friends. 

I spent lots of time in da club with family and friends (I’ve seen Sarah quite a bit in the last 7 weeks!)  

I tried to ignore the constant reminders that I am the sweaty cat lady (fur realz!).

The kitten (aka 'Lil Mini Bud) that has been
hanging out on my front porch all winter

Random cat sighting at my front window

Another random cat sighting at my window

  

BFF discovered that the little black kitten (see photo above) was pregnant so BFF, Reb and I brought her to the OSPCA to find a home for her and her unborn kitties. 

  

I relentlessly unsuccessfully entered the “Win a trip to Toronto to see Oprah” contest every day for 10 days (maybe more!)

I started juicing again.

I spent time with "X" (that's a blog post for another day!)

I read the books in The Hunger Games Trilogy.

I saw The Hunger Games movie with Sarah.

I attempted to spend as much time as possible outside.  

I'm all bundled up for a walk in the bush :)

I grew out my hair - it's now in a ponytail!

I worked and volunteered.   

I meditated and appreciated the silence. 

I successfully avoided the temptations of chocolate (there was Easter chocolate everywhere!)

I did everything but bloog blog!

Wow....it's amazing how easily I forgot what I did in the last 7 weeks!  When I first started writing this blog post, it was the weekend after my "girls weekend away to celebrate my birthday" weekend, and not only was I still on a high from celebrating my 40th birthday,  I was also celebrating the ridiculously gorgeous weather (twenty-something degrees Celsius in March!).  That weekend, I managed to take down the outside Christmas decorations (finally!), went for walks, opened all of the windows to air out the house and listened to the melodies of the birds and the wind chimes, and I read (I was hooked on The Hunger Games!).   What happened after that weekend seems to be a blur but I guess I managed to have some memories as I did come up with a list. 

Needless to say, the last 7 weeks have been extremely busy which have also contributed to being an absent-minded absent blooger blogger.  Please forgive me!  Now these three words have given me something to blog about...

Before I begin, can I just say:  Holy shit, I'm 40 years old!  I can't believe I’ve already accumulated 4 (four!) decades worth of experiences, of lessons, of heartache, of joy, of wisdom, of tears, of laughter, of love, and so much more!  Since we're technically celebrating my birthday in this blog post (yes, I take any chance I can get to celebrate!), I'd like to share my birthday song.  Every birthday deserves a song, don’t you think?  For the longest time, singing 50 Cents words seemed like a good time (it doesn't take much!) but I discovered a new song thanks to Sarah!   I'm happy to introduce you to my new birthday song: 

So maybe I didn't get high on my birthday (or even take a sip of alcohol for that matter!) as the song suggests but I can honestly say that I am high on life.  Sure, that probably sounds really tacky but I'm 40 now so just deal with it!

Now back to what I've been meaning to blog about....I digress!

The Thursday before my birthday, 4 days after I published my last blog post “Who am I?”, I woke up with an overwhelming feeling that my fear of making mistakes was stopping me from living my life.  Why am I feeling this fear all of a sudden?  Does it tie into my recent self-awareness that I have a need for perfection?  Does fear of making mistakes = imperfection?  With that feeling of fear came the feeling that I may be missing out on something because of my fear of making mistakes.  How could I take chances in life if I’m so afraid of making mistakes?  My mind, which is always 10 steps ahead of me, makes me very good at solving the Rubik’s Cube and at playing chess (please don’t challenge me to a game of chess or ask me to solve the Rubik’s Cube because I’m so out of practice...and I'm 40 now!) but makes it very difficult to live in the present so I’m constantly weighing the risks and benefits of every action and every decision that I make, trying to predict the outcome.  My brain is constantly in “cause and effect” mode.  Is my fear of making mistakes the problem?  Or is it my fear of not being able to recover from the mistake?  I also realized that much of my worry stems from my fear of other people's mistakes, and their impact on my life.  We all make mistakes so what’s so horrible about my mistakes?
 

“A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.” ~ Albert Einstein

A few hours after waking, I was on my way to see Dr. Acupuncture for my weekly appointment.  As you know from previous blog posts, Dr. Acupuncture gives me much more than just acupuncture because she’s also my teacher, my therapist, and my spiritual guide.  I told her about my thoughts upon waking that morning – fear of making mistakes and the impact it has had on my life.  What could it mean?   She asked me to reflect on what I do when I make a mistake or how I react when I make a mistake.  My first thought – I don’t make mistakes!  Seriously, that was my first thought (I’m so modest!).  Hmmmm...well, I guess I am perfect after all!   She told me not to answer but rather to reflect.  There was silence for a moment. As I type this, I realize that I know very few people with whom I feel comfortable in silence but with Dr. Acupuncture, I’m very comfortable with the silence because I don’t feel like we need to fill that space with words.  A slight digression...my apologies!  So after the silence, she told me a story about a butterfly and a swan.

We are all familiar with the life cycle of a butterfly which is known as metamorphosis, right?  The stages of a butterfly’s life cycle include: egg, larva (caterpillar), pupa (crysallis), and adult.  Dr. Acupuncture told the story of a butterfly who felt ugly at each stage of its life - it felt it was not as a beautiful as a butterfly.  As an egg, the butterfly thought it was ugly then when it became a caterpillar, it still thought it was ugly, and as a crysallis in the cocoon about to transform into a beautiful butterfly, it still thought it was ugly.  Only once it became a beautiful butterfly did it realize it was a beautiful butterfly all along.  Similarly, the story of the swan begins with the swan thinking it's ugly as a duckling and wishes it was as beautiful as a swan but only once it is an adult, does it realize it was a beautiful swan all along. 

These stories turned out to be an early birthday gift because they reminded me that whatever stage we are at in our lives, we are already the beautiful people we were born to be.   This is especially important for me to hear because I still have some facial paralysis (it's been almost 7 months!).  So remember, you don't have to wait until tomorrow to recognize your beauty.  You're already perfect just as you are :)

It's likely not a coincidence that I received a butterfly top as a birthday gift and my birthday "cake" was a fruit tray in the shape of a butterfly:

“Freedom is not worth having if it does not involve the freedom to make mistakes.” ~ Gandhi

After the story, she asked me what I’ve done or would do when someone I love has hurt me .   In that moment of silence, I struggled to find an answer.  Unlike her first question, she was waiting for an answer to this question but I didn’t have one. I was drawing a blank.  The thought of someone hurting me or having to think about past hurts stopped me in my tracks.   I told her I didn’t know.  Not easy words for a “need for perfection” kind of girl!  Once again, silence.  She put the needles in me and before leaving the room, she asked me to focus on these two questions: 

“What do I do when I make a mistake?”

“What do I do when someone I love hurts me”

I closed my eyes, and within seconds, the answer comes to me in the form of bright lights on a billboard:

FORGIVENESS

In that moment, I found myself forgiving the people who have hurt me (intentionally or unknowingly) and asking for forgiveness from those I have hurt (intentionally or unknowingly).   It was such an incredibly beautiful moment!  What seemed like a “moment” actually lasted 1 ½ hours!  The time seemed to fly as I was forgiving and asking for forgiveness.  As I left the clinic, it felt like I was floating.  I felt so free, so light, so peaceful and happy after releasing so much of the hate, guilt, shame, sadness and resentment that have built up inside of me from years of unforgiveness.   Forgiveness set me free. 

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” ~ Herman Hesse

Now at this point, you’re probably wondering about that special moment that made me get back to blooging blogging.  Well, it was an epiphany of sorts.  One of those aha! moments that make you smile with delight (only after the dust has settled!). 

On Monday, Bro and I were in the car and he asked me why I kept saying sorry.  I honestly didn’t notice but I guess I said it after I grabbed something in the back seat, after I stumbled on my words placing his order at the drive-thru,  after my napkins flew onto his lap, etc.   It didn’t occur to me that this would make good blogging material until I was approached by my neighbour (not to be confused with “Neighbour” whom I am very fond of!).   I’m sure you’re thinking “this better be good because saying sorry to your brother for silly incidents just isn’t cutting it as the reason for your big return to blooging blogging”! 

On Monday evening, I pulled into the driveway and got out of my car, dripping with sweat because I was coming back from my workout (oops…I forgot to mention that I now workout!) and because it was 30 degrees Celsius (on April 16th…imagine?!?).   As I’m approaching my house, the neighbour calls my name and asks me if I’ve seen a little black cat.  A black cat that is pregnant.  I said “yes, I brought her to the OSPCA”.  He looked puzzled and said “that’s my cat”.  I was initially confused then I started to feel the steam rising within me and was about to spew out horrible, nasty words when I took a deep breath and said “and you left the kitten outside all winter?”  I quickly continued with “do you know that the little kitten broke my heart, seeing her at my window every single day, in the freezing cold, not knowing if she would survive the winter?”   His response:  “We put out a box and blanket for her” which was quickly followed by “so now I’ll have to pay to get her back?”  I wanted to scream but I took another deep breath and asked him if his other cat was fixed (the big black cat that was “raping” the little kitten in the middle of the night, waking me with her shrieks!).   He confirmed that his cat was not fixed so I said “aren’t there enough cats running around homeless in our neighbourhood?”   I’m not quite sure why I said that but I’m not very good with confrontation so I'll leave it at that.  He then told me that his youngest son has cried himself to sleep every night since the cat disappeared.   In that moment, I wanted to cry and explain to him how much I love animals, and how seeing that kitten outside in the freezing cold broke my heart as did hearing her get "raped" every night by his cat, on my front porch.   Instead, I looked at him and said “sorry” then walked away. 

When I came into the house, I realized that I was a little shaken up by the experience.   People who don’t take care about their pets shouldn’t be able to have them!   Never did I see my neighbours giving that kitten any love.  When you have a cat or a dog, aren’t you supposed to give them shelter, food, water and love?  I was giving the kitten tuna every day partially out of guilt for not being able to give her a loving home (I already have two cats!) but mostly because I didn’t want her to die of starvation since dying from the freezing cold was a likely scenario. 

Once I settled down, I texted Sarah and BFF to tell them what happened then I juiced beets, beet greens, spinach, cucumber, celery, parsley, pear, watermelon, ginger, lemon and carrot.  Isn't that what you're supposed to do after a stressful confrontation?  With my yummy juice in hand, I sat down and reviewed what happened.  My first thought:  why the hell did I say sorry?  I have nothing to be sorry about because I did what I thought was best for that kitten and her unborn babies.  The likelihood that the kitten would have survived giving birth outside were slim and the survival of her babies even slimmer!  I texted BFF:  “Poopoo on bad pet owners!”, then realized that I may be on my neighbour’s shit list but I stand by what I did.  I did what I thought was best for that ‘lil mini bud (that’s as close to a pet name that I could get!) and her unborn babies.  That’s when I had the aha! moment: is saying sorry really how we ask for forgiveness or is it just something we say to make ourselves feel better or is it just something we say to get out of an uncomfortable situation?   In that moment, not only was I aware of how easy it is to speak "words without meaning" but mostly, I understood the difference between an apology and forgiveness:  forgiveness can be granted without an apology.  Although it does feel pretty darn good to hear it :)

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

~  Mahatma Gandhi

Since the “forgiveness” session with Dr. Acupuncture, the “forgiveness” theme has been showing up in my life in many different ways.   I watched an episode of Oprah’s Lifeclass: The Tour yesterday and guess what it was about?   The power of forgiveness!    How could I not finish writing my blog post today after watching that show yesterday?  Throughout the entire show, I was very busy jotting down quotes in my Quote journal (yes, I have a journal filled with quotes…are you really that surprised?).  Guests on her show included Tony Robbins (yum!), Deepak Chopra, Iyanla Vanzant and Bishop T.D. Jakes.  

“Until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed.  You can bandage the bleeding with food, alcohol, drugs, sex, work but eventually it will stain your life and you will continue to bleed.  You have to find the strength to pull out the core of your pain, the memory, and make peace with it.”  ~ Iyanla Vanzant

“Holding on to resentment is like holding your breath. You’ll soon start to suffocate.” ~ Deepak Chopra

“Unforgiveness unchecked becomes a cancer in our soul.”  Bishop T.D. Jakes

Iyanla Vanzant, Deepak Chopra and Bishop T.D. Jakes talked about how pain and hurt that are left unaddressed and unforgiven resurface.   Deepak explained that pain/hurt that are unaddressed shows itself as anger and hostility while the anticipation of the pain/hurt in the future (because you didn’t know how to deal with it in the past!) shows up as fear and anxiety, and the redirection of pain/hurt back at yourself shows up as guilt and shame.  The depletion of energy that happens with all of the above is depression.  Every single aspect of this manifests itself physically.  Basically, if you don’t forgive, you get sick! 

“Everything that has happened in the past becomes a force to leverage you into the future.”  ~ Oprah

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” ~ Oprah

Once you start to forgive, you slowly begin to realize that everything has happened just as it needed to happen (even the shitty stuff!) and that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  The truth is that we don’t have any control over what happened to us in the past (the past is behind us!) so it’s best to just LET IT GO!!!    

“To move into the blessings of our future, we must first relinquish the pains of the past.”  Bishop T.D. Jakes

I’m learning that unforgiveness can negatively affect our emotions, our health, our relationships – all aspects of our life!   When people have hurt you, it’s difficult to forgive but I have realized that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself not the person that hurt you. Let’s be clear…by forgiving, you’re not saying that what the other person did to you was okay.  You’re simply setting yourself free from the pain.  But I must admit, I’ve been wondering:  to heal, do I need to forgive AND forget?  

You know the saying “forgive and forget”, right?  Well, the answer to my question was presented to me yesterday while watching Bishop T.D. Jakes on Oprah’s Lifeclass.  He said that by forgetting, we lose the wisdom that can be extracted from the incident.  You want to remember what happened, lest you repeat it again.  We’re wiser today than we were yesterday.  We’re stronger today than we were yesterday.  We’re better today than we were yesterday.  That’s because there were some lessons that we needed to learn - to be wiser, to be more compassionate, to be more understanding, to be kinder, to be more loving, etc...  So much has been born from it so we want to remember it, we just don’t want to become imprisoned by it.  We become imprisoned by it when we don’t forgive it.   He talked about extracting and excreting.  We know that our body can extract nutrients and excrete the garbage.  Well, it turns out that we can also do this on an emotional and spiritual level.   When something bad happens to us, we should extract the wisdom then excrete whatever is left which is the pain, the hurt, the guilt, the shame, the resentment, the sadness, etc…  Go ahead and give it a try:  start extracting and excreting the moments that have caused you pain!   Most importantly, forgive! 

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.” ~ Robert Muller

It’s amazing to me how the puzzle pieces of my life come together, one piece at a time, and at exactly the right moment. 

On my birthday, which was 3 days after my “forgiveness” session with Dr. Acupuncture, while walking back to our hotel from the restaurant (vegetarian Mexican food…yum!) after enjoying my birthday dinner with Sarah, BFF and Reb , we passed a newspaper box that caught my eye.   On the front page of a major newspaper, the headline jumped out at me:

FORGIVEN

The universe seems to have a wonderful way of sending messages to us!  The article wasn’t important; it was just the headline that mattered to me.  Every time I passed a newspaper box, I whispered “thank you”.  I have forgiven so many people but the most challenging part was asking for forgiveness for the pain I have caused others and to forgive myself (this is an on-going process...releasing the guilt and shame!) but there it was on my birthday, in large print:  I had been forgiven!  Forgiveness…what a wonderful birthday gift!
 

There's a divine blueprint for a perfect day today, regardless what happened yesterday. We show up for it by forgiving ourselves and others.” ~ Marianne

Today, we celebrate Earth Day. 

On behalf of all humanity,
I'm asking for forgiveness

for all of the damage we have done!