Without Child - Week #1

I’m alone in the house, sitting in front of my computer, wondering what I’m going to blog about…

Okay, sitting alone at home on a Friday night isn’t unusual so that's not something I can blog about... 

Okay, I’m not actually home alone because I’m here with my cats, Mayah and Johnson, so that's not something I can blog about...

How sad that it takes blogging to make me realize that I’m a hermit cat lady?  How pathetic! 

I’m sure many of you are wondering how I’m doing “sans Sarah”.  Well, get me some tissue and I’ll tell you!  Actually, I’m not crying right now because I can’t cry and blog just as I’ve discovered that I can’t cry and drive, or cry and text, or cry and eat, or cry and talk, or cry and read.  I guess I’m no longer the multi-tasker I once was when I had a child living in this home! 

So I haven’t actually completed a full week without Sarah so it would be a lie to tell you about my first week without child since it hasn't happened yet but I can share with you what my life has been like since leaving home with my baby girl then coming home without her.  If you’re not interested about Week #1 Without Child, I’m sorry but there are people is at least one person out there who does care…right?

Interestingly, I have had to take a break from writing my blog post not because I had to wipe my tears but because the doorbell rang.  Now 4 hours later, I’m back at my computer.  Don't worry, I wasn't abducted! I’m happy to report that my neighbour was at the door which lead to me chatting then subsequently going for a walk with my neighbour's wife for a total of 4 hours (she will now be referred to lovingly in my blog as "Neighbour")!  I’ve lived in this house for 2 ½ years but this is the first time we’ve actually taken the time to get to know each other.  We do, however, have more of a connection than just being neighbours because a) I went to college with her husband (I was a year ahead of him in my program so I didn’t really get to know him), b) her sister is married to my cousin, and c) both her and her sister went to the same high school as me (Neighbour is younger than me and Neighbour's sister is older than me).  What a small world!  It’s also a world of shock and awe…Tracey was being social!

Who knew that socializing and getting to know someone could be fun?  Let’s face it though, until that doorbell rang, socializing was the last thing on my mind (especially since I have a blog to write!).  Of course, it’s way past my bed time (it’s 11:45pm!) so I doubt I’ll get this blog post online before tomorrow (sorry!).   

It's now Saturday morning and I'm happy to say that I had a very good dodo and now I’m ready to write this blog post but wait...it's Saturday morning...the blog will have to wait until I return from a quick trip to the liquor store Farmers’ Market with BFF and Reb. 

Okay, I’m back from the Farmers’ Market with organic produce, vegetarian sushi, mango salad and organic homemade bread and pretzels.  Now I’m ready to blog :)

I guess it's obvious that keeping busy is how I’ve been able to survive this first week without child.  So what exactly have I been doing besides befriending Neighbour and shopping at the Farmers’ Market? 

Well, where do I start? 

I’ve been hanging out quite a bit with BFF and Reb (sorry to BFF’s honey for hogging his wife!) then after blogging I’m off to visit with my parents and Bro (I might even share my vegetarian sushi and mango salad with them!) then tonight I’m going to try to convince Reb to watch a movie with me (maybe Limitless?) so there’s my Saturday!   Sarah who?  :P

On Friday, I left for work at 5:30am and returned at 6pm so in addition to being neighbourly, that was my Friday!  Sarah who? :P

Now the rest of the week wasn’t as cut and dry because I was a tad emotional (just a tad!).  I did the only thing I knew how to do while in an emotional state….

I sat at home re-watching, with a box of tissue, the final episodes of Oprah especially this part which makes me bawl every time thinking about how Sarah changed me "For Good" (I love the music from Wicked!). 

I’ve also been re-reading Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet (one of my favourite books of all-time!) especially the part “On Children”:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

~ Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet "On Children

I’ve also been compulsively watching Sarah’s favourite episodes of Gilmore Girls including this episode of “You Jump, I Jump, Jack”:

I’ve also been eating anything and everything with sugar!  Particularly ice cream bars with caramel, maltesers and peanut butter cups.  Oh yeah, the other night, I ate an entire cheesecake.  For the record, it was a small cheesecake, but nonetheless, it was an entire cheesecake!  I’m so pathetic!  I can't believe I spent part of my week wallowing in self-pity but I'm much better now because I've been sugarless for 2 days :)

I've also been watching this video of the Glee cast performing "Don't Stop Believing" with a particular interest in the "ba-boom" at the beginning of the video when the cast is introduced.  Sarah loves listening to that "ba-boom" part loudly so you can really hear the base so it's now very comforting to hear that part playing really loud (even if my old ears can't handle it!). 

What else have I been doing?  Well...

I've been busy with work and piano practice.  Even though piano boy genius has left for university, I’m still practicing and will soon be taking lessons from a new teacher (lucky her!).   

I've had many phone conversations with my parents and bro, and many visits and walks with BFF (plus walk with Neighbour which makes me a super-fitness buff!).

I took my cat, Mayah, to the vet because she was scratching and chewing herself.  Sounds gross but it’s the only way I know how to explain it.  Turns out that my cat is emotionally-distraught (like cat carer, like cat)!   She was given a shot of cortisone to help her skin heal.  Yesterday, I bought a special brush to help her get rid of the scabs.  Yum!   How could I possibly be missing Sarah when I have scabs to brush out (not my own scabs!)?

Remember the tick kitten?  Well, every day, I’ve been trying to catch him so I can bring him to the Humane Society so he can get adopted.  I don’t want to worry about that poor kitten out there all alone.  The more I worry about him, the closer I get to adopting him and let’s face it, another cat in this house will definitely make me the cat lady!  Who wants to date the cat lady?  Not that I’m thinking about dating but eventually I’m going to have to get out into the dating world again (ugh!) and I don’t want my profile to read “Sweaty cat lady looking for a man” :P 

I cleaned the house on Tuesday and shockingly, the house has stayed clean (ahem!). 

I've been ordering books online even though I have a gazillion neglected books that are waiting to be read.  Maybe "Without Child - Week #2" will result in lots of reading. (???) 

I’ve also been admiring my monstrous morning glory which has finally decided to bloom. 

Monstrous Morning Glory



Finally a bloom on the monstrous morning glory :)



I’m just realizing that it’s only been 5 days since I’ve seen Sarah but it seems like a lifetime has passed since I saw her.  It feels like I've done more in the last 5 days than I have in the last 6 months (especially the socializing part!).  

Now that I seem to have so much time on my hands, I’m thinking I’ll finally get to organize my photos from Vancouver, Lakehouse, and all of the random photos that have been on my camera for the last 5 months including the photo of Sarah signing her first lease (I know, I know!) but guess what?  My camera battery is dead and I can’t find the battery charger.  I guess I’ll be spending the next week looking for it.  Maybe Sarah accidentally packed my charger so I guess I might have to go visit her next week to find it.  I’m on my way Sarah ….   :)

Oh wait, there's one more thing I've been doing all week...I keep re-playing, in my head, the moment that Sarah bravely told me that it was okay for me to go home.  It was Monday, September 5th around 10am when Sarah came out of the bathroom in her apartment and informed me that it was okay for me to leave.  Say what?  You’re ready for me to leave? Well maybe I’m not ready to leave?  Ever think of that?  I didn’t actually say that but I was certainly thinking it!  Before we left home, I told her that I was prepared to stay with her until she was ready to be on her own and that she needed to tell me when she was ready for me to leave.  I promised her I wouldn’t be offended or hurt when she told me because that was our deal.  I had expected to be there until Wednesday but it turns out she was ready sooner than me!  I just kept thinking “it’s too soon!”  Of course, as soon as she told me about my impending departure, I started to cry and couldn’t control the waterworks.  I knew it was difficult for Sarah to tell me that it was time for me to leave so I desperately tried to stop crying because I didn’t want to upset her.  No matter what I told myself, I couldn’t stop crying.   Sometimes I wish there was an on/off switch for my tears!!! Then I started thinking “there’s still so much to do”.  We still needed to put frames up on the wall, hang her mirror, hang her lantern, wash the stove (still didn’t get around to washing her stove!), get her bus pass, check out the laundromat, play Scrabble, take the bus together to the university (I know, I know, that’s just pathetic of me!), go to the bank, snuggle, pick up the last few things on our “to buy list”, watch Gilmore Girls together, break up the boxes and bring them out to the recycling bin, and the list went on and on in my head.  The poor thing!  She had to watch her mother cry as she struggled to be brave.  Well, an hour or so after the words “you need to leave” were heard, I was on my way back home.  Is it really safe to cry and drive?  I need to snap out of this for my safety and the safety of pedestrians!  I stopped and got gas and bought a bag of maltesers then I stopped and bought a venti soy chai latte and banana loaf at Starbucks then I took out 3 cds that would accompany me on this tearful journey…Adele, Glee and Michael Jackson!  Interesting trio, don’t you think?  Well, it kind of worked because I didn’t cry non-stop for 4.5 hours…it was intermittent.  It was all a teary-eyed, heartbroken girl could ask for…intermittent tears.  I wonder if I could have synched my intermittent windshield washers with my tears….that would have been cool!  Needless to say, I made it home in one piece. 

What has really helped me is that Sarah has called me and texted me every day since that fateful day when she forced me I had to say goodbye and go home without her.  She’s such an amazingly wonderful kid!  I’m really proud and extremely happy for my brave little Sarebear!  So much so that I think those happy emotions have actually overtaken my sad emotions.  Now that’s a miracle :)

I love you Sarah!  xoxoxo