My life, my creation

“You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, 'Why not?'”

~ George Bernard Shaw

I don’t know about you but for me, remembering my dreams is almost impossible.  Lately, I’ve been curious to know what’s lurking in my dreams (especially when you sleep 10 – 12 hours every night!).   What do dreams provide us with?  A glimpse into my future?  An important message?  An opportunity to reminisce about the past?  Answers to yesterday’s questions?   Answers to tomorrow’s questions?  Or is it simply a movie clip starring me? 

So I started making an effort to remember my dreams.  When I wake up, I keep my eyes closed and try to either stay in the dream or go back to the dream then I consciously make notes of my dream.  I’m happy to say that the effort has paid off because I’m now remembering my dreams.   I can’t say that I’ve had an epiphany as a result of remembering my dreams but it’s been enjoyable to remember the dreams that involve a man.  No , not those kind of dreams!  :P

Last night, I dreamed that I was with BFF and her honey.  We were sitting on the couch, and BFF and I were couch dancing (bobbing our heads and shoulders to the beat of the music!).   Chris (BFF’s sister and one of my besties) walked in with one or two people so we said hi then kept on bopping to the music.  At one point, BFF and her honey got up, leaving me on the couch alone then this “man” came to sit in the chair next to the couch.  I looked at him and smiled, made small talk then I got up and walked away (where are my manners?).  Not sure where I went in my dream but as I was walking back to the table where Chris and company were sitting, I looked over where the “man” was sitting (still in the chair next to the couch!) and he said that I had the most beautiful smile.  My first reaction (even in my dream!) was to contest the statement because it seems that even in my dream my face is still paralyzed and I’m still self-conscious but I ended up smiling and saying thank you (now that’s progress!).  

Chris then informed me that she was trying to set me up with that “man”.   I learned that he plays hockey with Chris’ husband, he’s a doctor and he lives across the street (remember that this is a dream!).   Everyone ended up leaving so I was walking outside with the “man” and we were all carrying long pieces of metal to put into someone’s car.  At one point in my dream, I wondered if he was looking at my butt then when I was putting the metal pieces into the car, I was bending down and again wondered if he was looking at my butt.   He was very tall and very cute so I'm not sure why I wasn't flirtier friendlier with him.  As he gave me a goodbye hug, he held me close and asked me why I wasn’t interested in him.  I told him that I didn’t know him but he seemed like a nice guy, and I told him he could get my email or phone number from Chris.  He kept holding me and it felt like we were slow dancing.  Then I woke up.  Hmmmm…a man who likes to dance?  I’m interested!!!  

You're probably wondering why I'm sharing such a lame dream with you.  Well, first of all, the people who think the dream is lame are probably married or in a committed relationship.  When you're single, it's those dreams that keep the "dream of meeting the man of your dreams" alive!  Second of all, there's a point to my story so keep reading :)

On Tuesday night, I also had a "man" dream (a different man though so that probably makes me a man dream whore!).  I dreamed that I had a crush on a guy that was hanging out with us.  Some of the people that were in my dream were some of my best friends from high school.  In my dream, I didn't think the guy would be interested in me (even in my dreams my man-confidence is low!) but it turns out that this guy was also crushing on me (yay for me!).   For some reason, I remember thinking that he didn’t like skinny girls (now don't be hating on skinny girls!).  We were all hanging out in what seemed to be the foyer of a hotel.  We were sitting on the floor in front of the elevator, and at one point I was using his stomach as a drum (kind of strange, I know but it’s a dream!) then I was laying down next to him and he enveloped me with his arms.  Then I woke up.  When I woke up, I actually thought I was going to wake up next to him.  He was so damn cute!!! 

Now when I woke up that morning, I desperately wanted to remember that dream (sad, I know!) so I used the same technique to remember my dream but as I was remembering the dream, I started being aware of “messages” getting thrown at me.  It really did feel like they were being thrown at me because there were so many.  I couldn’t keep up with them.  

I started questioning whether or not I should I stay in this semi-conscious state and continue to take in all of these messages even if there was no way I could remember them but then part of me wanted to go back to my dream (with the man!) then a part of me wanted to wake up and go empty my bladder start putting these thoughts on paper.  Instead, I reached for my iPhone on the nightstand and started sending myself text after text (surprised?) but as soon as I started to type, I started to forget the “messages”.   It's a sad case of "message interruptus" because not only could I not remember the "messages" that came to me but the messages were not longer being thrown at me.  I’m calling them messages because I’m not sure what else to call them.  Thoughts? 

Anyways, here’s what I typed at 4:14am on January 19^th:

I’m on a quest to find out if I can create the story of my life – before it happens.  A kind of story that predicts and creates the story of my life simultaneously. 

A book is born…

Book – readers have no idea when the “creative” becomes the “reality”. 

Book titles:  My Life: The Creation or My life: My Creation or My life: my creation (???)

Every day I’m going to attempt to create my life. 


Note to book editors and talent scouts:  I have a great book idea so call me!

Note regarding plagiarism:  If you're thinking of stealing my idea for a book, that's wrong but then again, plagiarism is the highest form of flattery, right?  Oh wait, I think that's imitation!  :P

I had forgotten about those text messages until I spoke to Sarah on Thursday afternoon.  I told her about the strangeness of the “messages” or “thoughts” that were coming into my awareness when I woke up so I looked at my phone and read her the messages.  I was so excited when I re-read my texts because it got me thinking about creativity and what it means to be on a quest to create my life and/or to explore creativity.  Is it possible to create my life or is my life just an illusion?   My first thoughts immediately go to the movie “The Truman Show” and the novel “Never Let Me Go”.   Jim Carrey's character in "The Truman Show" and the children in “Never Let Me Go” have no idea that their life is being created for them.  Could that be happening to me right now?  Don't even get me started...

I’ve always considered myself to be unattractive un-creative.  Why?  I think the problem is that I associated creativity with artistic talent.  Without artistic talent, can I still be creative?  Well, in my mind the answer was no but now I’m getting the feeling that there’s a greater correlation between creativity and simply living.   Am I correct in thinking that “to live is to create”? 

It seems that our bodies are also very creative!   I'm currently reading "Timeless Secrets of Health and Rejuvenation" by Andrea Moritz (the liver cleanse guru!) and he believes that illness and disease are "created" by the body as a healing mechanism.   I'm starting to believe that too!

“Each of us has an inner dream that we can unfold if we will just have the courage to admit what it is. And the faith to trust our own admission. The admitting is often very difficult.”

~ Julia Cameron

Is "to create" synonymous with "to have courage" and "to trust"?  Looking back on my life, I’m guessing that my lack of creativity is directly proportionate to my lack of courage and my lack of trust.  In order to be more creative, I need to be brave and trusting.  Two characteristics that I’ve never used to describe myself!   I’m thinking that 2012 will be focused not only on my health but also on creativity, thus courage and trust.  I’m interested to know what you think….do you think courage and trust are needed to be creative?  I also can’t help but wonder if dreaming and creativity are also linked?   Is it a coincidence that focusing on trying to remember my dreams lead to my exploration of creativity? 

Last year, I started reading “The Creative Confident”.  I blogged about it in The Accidental Artist but I never finished reading it (surprise!).   Then I purchased Julia Cameron’s “The Artist’s Way” and “The Right to Write: An Invitation and Initiation into the Writing Life” but haven't read those either.   My recent Boxing Day purchases included “The Intuitive Way” by Penney Peirce which is identical to “The Artist’s Way” but focuses on intuition.   Well, I think it’s about damn time I actually start reading these books!  

Have you ever purchased books but had no idea why you were buying them?  Well, that’s kind of how I felt when I bought these books.  At the time, I wasn’t able to relate to these books but now I’m feeling the need to learn more about creativity, and in some way, I believe that exploring my creative side will somehow have a positive effect on my intuition (and my life!).   Not surprisingly, there’s a link between intuition and trust so I can’t help but picture a diagram (a possible Venn diagram?) in my head that connects creativity, courage, trust and intuition.  Do you really need me to draw it?  Okay, if you insist :P

Of course, one thought leads to another in my head so I'm reminded of a quote that I see often on OWN:  “you get in life what you have the courage to ask for”.  Well, I’m now thinking that along with courage, it probably takes a little creativity to know what you want to get in life.  What about imagination?  Where does that get categorized?   Are imagination and creativity one in the same?  

“Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at last you create what you will.” 

~ George Bernard Shaw

I think I might be on to something....

As I'm writing this blog post, I'm reminded of one of my favourite people, Albert Einstein.  Many of his quotes reflect his thoughts on courage, imagination, intuition:

“Logic will get you from A to B.  Imagination will take you everywhere.”

"The only real valuable thing is intuition."

“Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand.”

“Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions.”

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction."

Amazing that after years of idolizing this man for his brilliant scientific mind, I'm now using his quotes on courage, imagination and intution! 

Now I can't help but wonder how it is possible to live a life without creativity and imagination?  Oh the things I may have missed out on!   Well, at some point in my life, I obviously made a decision to stop being creative and let my imagination expire.  Why?  Is that something we all do when we "grow up"?   Why does that part of us, the creative and imaginative, disappear?   Is it fear that extinguishes our creative and imaginative fire? 

On Saturday, Bro showed me “dance like no one is watching” videos on You Tube.   Here's one of my faves:

One of the videos began with this quote:

“Dance like there's nobody watching,

Love like you'll never be hurt,

Sing like there's nobody listening,

And live like it's heaven on earth.”

That night, I reflected on why it’s so difficult for me to live that way because I know for certain that my “no one is watching me” dance is definitely different from my “someone is watching me” dance (unless alcohol is involved!).  Why?  The only answer I could come up with was that fear is holding me back.   Fear of getting hurt, fear of being ridiculed, fear of judgment, fear of failure, and the list goes on and on.  So how do I move past the fear?  Are creativity, courage, trust, intuition and imagination the answers?

The other day, I was chatting with a friend while her 2 year old son was on the couch.  He decided to put his hands on the floor while part of his body was still on the couch.   His arms seemed to give out under him and his face hit the floor.   He started to cry.  He got up, ran to his mom who consoled him then he got back on the couch and went right back to doing what he was doing when he got hurt.  In that moment, I thought “wow, we could really learn from children”.   If that was me, after getting hurt, I probably would have given up but the little 2 year old boy seemed to have no fear, he quickly forgot about the tears that were shed, and he continued to have fun! 

Just as children use their imagination to create towers, castles, playhouses, puppets and bridges with Legos, crayons, sands, boxes, paper, blankets, socks and their bodies;  adults should be creating their lives!   

“Our palate for the taste of life has become numb because we have forgotten how to dream.” 

~ Shirley MacLaine

I read that quote the other night while reading “Going Within” by Shirley MacLaine.  I’m not sure if that’s her quote or not but regardless, it made me think (I guess that’s a sign of a good quote; it’s thought-inducing!).  It’s unbelievable to me how many things happened this week to get me thinking about creativity, courage, trust, intuition and imagination.    

But what does it all mean?  Maybe the answer will be revealed in a dream….

Goodnight!  :)

"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing."

~ Albert Einstein

Cold Play

Snow is dumb!  A shocking statement from someone who loves snow!  Please note that I started writing this blog post on Friday night and there’s a possibility that I may change my mind about snow before this blog post ends. 

On Friday, I was looking forward to seeing my Dad on his birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!!), seeing my Mom who had her second cataract operation on Thursday, and seeing my Bro who promised to play Monopoly with me on Dad’s birthday (don't deny it...you did!!!).   On Thursday and Friday, we were blessed (inserted this word on Sunday!) with more than a foot of snow and sleet.  Although the snow is beautiful, it’s difficult for someone with Bell’s palsy and a frozen shoulder to enjoy the snow as I normally do.   The Bell’s palsy limits me from being out in the cold, and the blowing snow affects the eye that won’t close, and the frozen shoulder, well, it makes it almost impossible to shovel snow (ugh!). 

As the snow was falling on Friday morning, I must admit that my thoughts were not "snow is dumb", and I have proof!   The snow fall was so beautiful, I decided to record it.  Now you should know that I'm not very good at using the camera or the video camera so it turns out that my video is sideways and I have no idea how to rotate it but wanted to share the "snowfall" with you.  The large snowflakes were actually coming down from the sky as opposed to what you see in the video which shows the snowflakes as coming in sideways.  If the snow could talk, it would probably say "Tracey is dumb"! :P 

I must admit that, this year, I miss playing in the snow:  skating, snowshoeing, tobogganing, making snow angels, playing hockey, walking in the bush, making snowmen or snowwomen (don't want to offend anyone!). 

Since I'm not going outside to play in the cold, I thought I would reminisce a little:



Walks in the bush




Walks at night in my 'hood





These Sorel boots were made for walking in the snow





The snow angel that BFF made last year



Snow also reminds me of all the great memories I have of playing in the snow as a kid and of course, all of the fun Sarah and I had in the snow building snowmen, tobogganing, building forts, snowball fights, losing boots while trekking in the snow, walks in the bush, skating, making snow angels, skiing, and snow days (days off work or school!) or just sitting inside with a cup of hot chocolate watching the snow fall. 

Fast forward to the bad times….the car getting stuck in the snow or the white outs while driving, or the snotsicles that form on the tip of your nose while walking outside in the winter, or falling on my butt on the icy sidewalk or falling down the icy stairs, or getting stuck at home on a snowy day (snow days can be both good and bad!). 

Sadly, there was a small part of me that enjoyed the cardio workout that shoveling snow provides but with this frozen shoulder, all I can do is weep at the thought of shoveling and the pain it would cause!

So on Friday, I went from thinking "snow is beautiful" in the morning (when I could appreciate the beauty from indoors!), to thinking "snow is dumb" in the evening (when it was time to finally shovel!). 



Beautiful snowflakes falling in my backyard!





Dumb snowflakes accumulated into a foot of snow
that needed to be removed from my driveway!



As you know by now, I always look for the lessons in everything.  Not in an obsessive way (no, not me!) but rather in a way that increases understanding of myself and others.  Well, on Friday night I learned a big lesson.  

On Friday, I worked from home and had conference calls early in the morning so it wasn’t until 10:30 that I had an opportunity to call my Dad for his annual “Happy Birthday” song over the phone.  I know he looks forward to hearing my beautiful voice sing to him every year so I didn’t want to delay it any longer and risk disappointing him.  I called and got to talk to my Mom first (she was doing much better the day after her surgery!) and then, not surprisingly, my Dad cautioned me to “not quit my day job” after hearing me sing a beautiful operatic version of Happy Birthday.   I also had to apologize profusely for not being there on his birthday but unfortunately, travelling in this weather is not good for a nervous driver like me…even with snow tires on my car (me a nervous driver, are you really surprised?).  Anyways, after the call, I had a few more conference calls throughout the day and around 3:30, I received a call from my Dad.  He informed me that he had tried to call me 13 times but the phone was busy (13 phone attempts on Friday the 13th….interesting!).   Yes, I was on the phone!   He wanted to know if I had asked anyone to help me with the driveway yet.   During our call in the morning, I told him that I would see if I could get the neighbour across the street to clean my driveway since he has a snow blower or maybe offer the kids next door a few bucks to shovel my driveway.   My Dad was checking up on me to see if I had found someone to clean my driveway because he knows that I’d rather do it myself (even if it causes me great pain!) than ask someone for help so the phone call was a gentle reminder.

Why did I need a gentle reminder?   Well, first of all, I’m shy.  Second of all, I’m not very good at asking for help.  Thirdly, I’m not quite sure how much to offer someone for cleaning my driveway ($10, $25, $3, $0.50?).  I also told my Dad that I might go outside with the shovel in my hand, looking pathetic (that would obviously require a tremendous amount of acting skills on my part!) and hope that someone would come by and offer to help me.   I know it’s difficult for my Dad to accept that he can't do things for me such as clean my driveway because he doesn't live close by.   My Dad is the type of guy who would take the shirt off of his back for someone in need.    For example, when his neighbour was sick with cancer, he went over and shovelled his driveway and mowed his lawn then when he passed away, he continued to shovel and mow to help the neighbour’s widow.   There aren’t too many men out there who are like my Dad!  That is probably one of the reasons why I’m single: he raised the bar way too high!!!  Now that I think about it, I only live 40 minutes away.  Really Dad, you couldn’t drive 40 minutes to come shovel your disabled daughter’s driveway?  Just kidding!!!   So anyways, I promised him that I would ask for help. 

Since a promise is a promise, I decided to send a text to….wait for it…"X".  

I know, I know, you’re probably rubbing your eyes, checking your glasses for spots, cleaning your computer screen and possibly poking your eyes out with a fork.   Yes, you read correctly.  I sent a text message to X asking him for his help.  Not an easy thing to do but I knew he would help me.  Was that a “cold play” on my part?  I don’t think so.  Just because I’m not interested in being in a relationship or friendship with him doesn’t mean I can’t ask him for help, right?    Please don't send me hate mail :P

When X sent me a text at Christmas asking me out for a drink, I laughed then responded with “I think you should read Teachings on Love by Thich Nhat Hanh”.   Some of you may think that was a mean text to send but I was being genuine in my book recommendation to him.   Since he was my last serious relationship, I often thought about my relationship with him while reading the book and tried to understand the lessons that were present throughout the relationship.   He seemed interested in knowing more about it (genuine or not, who knows?) and asked me if I believed people could change for good.   We sent a few text messages back and forth, and it was nice having a serious conversation with him.  Albeit by text, it was still enjoyable!  So on Friday, after making the promise to my Dad that I would ask for help, I found myself sending a text to X, asking him if he could help me shovel the driveway.  He said yes!

I wasn't sure when he would show up to shovel my driveway so after I finished work, I got all dressed up (another downfall of winter:  having to wear so many damn clothes!) and headed outside to start shoveling.   Now I know you're probably wondering why I went outside to shovel when X was expected over to clean the driveway.   Yes, I'm stubborn!  I felt that I could probably do a little before he arrived, and a little is all I accomplished until X arrived 20 minutes later (the snow was so heavy, I could only move a little at a time...pathetic, yes!).    During those 20 minutes of hard-core shoveling, I wondered why my male neighbour (not "Neighbour" but the one on the other side of me) didn't offer to help me shovel when he saw me outside (he was outside with his son).

When X arrived, I was wearing sunglasses (at night!) to keep the blowing snow out of my eye-wide-open,  I had started to sweat from all of the cardio so my toque kept sliding down my forehead, which pushed my sunglasses down my nose, which made them fog up because of the hot air coming out of my mouth (yes, I’m full of hot air!), which meant I couldn't really see anything once I pushed the sunglasses back to their proper place on my face, and my shoulder hurt so bad that I was fighting back the tears, not to mention that my back was aching from not having done any heaving lifting for months.   Needless to say, I was very happy to see X show up (that was the first happy sighting in a long time!).   I handed him the shovel that I had been using then I grabbed the small shovel (the one I keep in the trunk of my car) and started cleaning off the front and back steps, and around the car while he shoveled the driveway.  Again, why didn't I just go inside and warm up?   Who knows?!?   Once the driveway had been cleared, I learned that the neighbour and son came over two minutes after X arrived, asking if he needed help cleaning my driveway but X kindly turned down their offer. 

Of course, that got me thinking....Did the neighbour offer to help because there was a man there helping me?  Would he have come over eventually to help his neighbour, a 39-year old single cat lady woman who is dealing with a few physical ailments (not to mention all of my emotional ailments!)?   Are men afraid to ask women if they need help because of women’s lib?  

Based on my experience over the last year and a half of living on my own, no man has ever offered to help me shovel the driveway.    Thanks to my Dad, I have an expectation that men are bred to offer assistance to a woman when it comes to “manly duties” but it seems that in my neighbourhood, women’s lib rules.   I must say that the only women I've ever seen shovel the driveway or mow the lawn, on my street, are Neighbour (yes, that’s my #1 neighbour) and me.   We are the only women shovelers and mowers on our street (Neighbour even mowed my lawn when I got sick!).   It seems that all the men on my street are responsible for the "manly duties".  

Yes, I'll admit that when X and I were together, he was responsible for the manly duties and I appreciated that (hmmm…I wonder if I ever told him that?).  When it comes to shoveling the driveway, and mowing the lawn, and taking out the garbage and recycling bin, and getting the oil changed in the car, and bringing the bikes indoors for the winter, and buying/carrying the bags of dirt for the garden, and bringing the bags and boxes of stuff to the Second Hand store, and bringing in the groceries and the huge bags of cat litter and cat food,  I say screw women’s lib….let the man do it!  Most importantly, don’t forget to let him know that you’re grateful!

A special message for men:   There’s something really sexy about a man who does something nice for a woman (i.e. shoveling the driveway!).   I felt my heart go pitter-patter when I was watching X shovel my driveway.   Now that my brain has defrosted, I’m quite aware that a pitter-pattering heart is dangerous territory but don’t worry, I have no desire to be with a man right now, much less X!  Yes, I know I often say how much I want to find a man but the truth is that I’m not ready.   Sure, I’m open to the possibilities of meeting a man but I’m not interested in revisiting the past with an ex-boyfriend.   Family and friends are breathing a sigh of relief  :)

And don’t worry, I’m not going to reopen the “can we be friends with exes” debate because I’ve been down that road and failed.   But I did learn a lesson this weekend.  I learned that the anger we carry around with us, blinds us from seeing the good in people.  Today, X reminded me that he has a kind heart.  Sure , he may have been thinking with another part of his body when he said yes to shoveling the driveway for me, and thought there might be a chance for him to get lucky if he impressed me with his snow shoveling skills but the bottom line is that he didn’t have to shovel my driveway for me, yet he did!  Not only did he do it, but he didn’t ask for anything in return.  For that, I’m grateful. 

I know I’ve been cold and miserable when talking about X in the past, and I'm sorry about that!  I’m happy that I get to share a happy story about him. 

Another lesson that I learned is that there is good in everyone but it doesn’t mean you have to date ‘em as soon as a little bit of that good is shown!   Seeing X also provided an opportunity for me to reflect on our relationship (reflection = gaining a better understanding of me!).  I’m realizing that one of our biggest issues was that X was living a life fueled by the anger and frustration brought on by the on-going situation with his ex-wife / mother of his children.  I'm guessing that in some way, I also fuelled his anger fire.  Since people in our lives are mirrors that allow us to see ourselves, I took some time to ask myself:  “am I ruled by anger, frustration, and resentfulness?”  If so, what can I do to release those negative emotions and what impact is it having on the relationships in my life?   The thought of anger being stored in my body brought a chill up my spine (could there be anger stored under all of that worry and sadness?).   You can breathe a sigh of relief because that's a blog post for another day :)

Well, it seems I have a lot to think about today!   Having just finished my liver and gallbladder cleanse this morning, I’m guessing that an emotional cleanse might be a good way to spend my day (not really sure what that entails though!).   Or I could think about all of the activities I’d like to be doing outside on this sunny, cold and snow-covered day (BFF just sent me a text letting me know that it's  now "up to" -20 degrees Celsius!).  Or I could be thankful for the sun shining outside and the snow that covers the ground because in actuality, snow is beautiful!  



Today's view while blogging



Instead of thinking about the cold emotions that lurk inside of me or my inability to play out in the cold today, I’m going to curl up on the couch with a blanket, a cup of lentil and barley curry stoup (thicker than soup, thinner than stew), listen to my new Coldplay CD and be grateful that I don't have to shovel because my driveway has been cleared of snow (thanks to X!).

ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!

Lentil and barley curry stoup

1-2 carrots, chopped (depending on the size….size does matter!)

1 onion, chopped

1-2 stalks of celery, chopped (depending on how much you like celery)

2 cloves of garlic, chopped

1 slice of daikon radish (2” thick), grated (you don’t have to add daikon but I had it in the fridge)

1 container of vegetable broth (or chicken, if that’s your preference)

1 cup of lentils (I used red but you can use any colour)

½ cup of pearled barley

1 Tbsp curry powder

1 tsp cumin

1 Tbsp dried cilantro (best fresh though!)

Directions: 

1. In dutch oven or pot, cook carrots, celery, onions in EVOO until the veggies start to soften.
2. Add daikon, garlic and veggie broth.  Stir. 
3. Once veggie broth starts to boil, add lentils and barley.  Stir
4. Add curry powder, cumin and dried (or fresh) cilantro.   Stir.
5. Simmer until lentils and barley are soft. 

I love making stoups (thicker than soup, thinner than stew!) and feel comfortable playing around with the ingredients because it’s so easy!   I always start with my holy trinity or as I found out while writing my fourth blog post “Holy Trinity...this is not a religious post”, my mirepoix, which includes onions, carrots and celery.  I cook those in my dutch oven with a little EVOO.  If I'm in the mood for garlic, I add garlic.  If I have other vegetables in the fridge, I'll add those to the pot.  If I'm in the mood for tomatoes, I add tomatoes.   Once I figured out what veggies I want in the soup, I add the veggie broth.   Once that has been combined, I add whatever beans or legumes I have in the cupboard (in this soup, I added lentils) then I add noodles or rice or in this case, pearled barley.   Then it’s time for the spices and herbs.  In today’s soup, I added curry powder, cumin and cilantro but you can add anything.  Once you get used to preparing homemade soups, you’ll get to figure out what combinations you enjoy.  For example, when I use coconut milk in my soup, I usually want to add cilantro, or if there’s tomatoes, I usually add Italian seasonings, or if I’m using split peas in my soup, I usually add ground coriander.  Let it simmer for as long as you want then enjoy!  Go ahead and experiment with making stoups…especially on a cold day!     



Lentil and barley curry stoup



You might want to pop in a CD while cooking or you could simply appreciate the peace, quiet and serenity that comes from cooking or baking with love.  If you’re looking for some tunes, why don’t you listen to some of my favourite Coldplay songs from their new album Mylo Xyloto (the entire album rocks!!!):

Good-byes

“Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos.”  

~ Snoopy

In this moment, I'm trying to figure why goodbyes hurt so much.  Sarah just left for university this morning after being home for almost 3 weeks.  I gave myself 15 minutes to cry and now I'm sitting at the computer trying to make sense of these emotions (and still crying...so much for the 15-minute rule!).  Why am I crying?   Every moment I spent with Sarah during her Christmas break was filled with joy and happiness so I’m not crying because I had a horrible time with her.   I know it’s going to be difficult for her to get back into her routine at university (or maybe not?), and that she has a heavy workload coming up but I know she can do it so that’s not why I’m crying.   I know I’ll be okay in a few days weeks months minutes  hours so that’s not why I’m crying.    Are they tears of joy because she's gone?   Just kidding!  :P

Shortly after she left, I sent her a text to say “I love you” and she replied with the same message of love.   What did parents do when there were no iPhones to text their children who were away from home?  Receiving her text immediately sent some kind of happy electrodes through my body because I stopped crying then proceeded to write this blog post. 

As I wipe away the tears, I start to think about goodbyes.  Why are they so difficult?  Are they really necessary?  Well, I’m beginning to think goodbyes are necessary!    Would there be hellos without goodbyes just as there would be no light without darkness?  After a little reflection, I’m realizing that goodbyes to Sarah are reminders of the joy I feel when I say hello to her (and give her a big hug!).  

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard?” 

~ A.A. Milne

So here I am, on Saturday morning (4 days after Sarah left!), still pondering the question: Goodbyes...why?  Well, maybe I'd have a better understanding if I knew the origin of this mighty powerful word (finding an opportunity to do a little research...shocking!). 

From Middle English (16th century) godbwye, contraction of God be with ye!

According to the Oxford Dictionary, goodbye is defined as an exclamation used to express good wishes when parting or at the end of a conversation. 

There are so many words that are synonymous with "goodbye":  catch you later, bye, bye-bye, ciao, sayonara, see you, so long, ta ta, toodles, TTFN, ttyl, adieu, adios, farewell, hasta la vista, hasta la vista baby, later, laters, keep it real, peace out. take it easy, toodles, peace, see ya, cheerio, cheery-bye and toodle pip.   

I guess it makes sense that such a powerful word would have so many synonyms!  I must admit that I’m most comfortable with simply saying “bye”.   I tend to save “goodbye” for the more dramatic “byes” (i.e.: “GOODBYE  X!!!”).  Me....dramatic....shocking!!!

Anyways, back to understanding goodbyes….

So this week has been filled with goodbyes: 

Goodbye to Sarah as she heads back to university

Goodbye to worry  - don’t laugh but this is my New Year’s resolution…no more worrying because worrying is pointless and wreaks havoc on our well-being!

Goodbye to the big bag of change in my closet  - I rolled $65 worth of change this week…score!

Goodbye to 3 bags and 3 boxes of clothes/miscellaneous goods that are awaiting a ride to the second hand store – yes, I did some more cleaning!   This doesn't include the huge bag of VHS tapes that I finally got rid off, and are now in my brother's posession (sucker!).   It amazes me how much stuff I want to hold on to because the "stuff" holds such dear memories (i.e. holding on to Walt Disney movies on VHS that I watched over and over and over again with Sarah, even though I no longer have a VCR!). 

Goodbye to satellite television – I finally cancelled my satellite but I had to give 30 days notice so I still have it until February. 

Goodbye to self-criticism, judgments and old beliefs (another NY's resolution!)

Goodbye to idle hands - I’m being committed recommitted to playing the piano and I’ve decided to learn how to knit (I bought a learn how to knit book and bamboo knitting needles....does size really matter?). 

Goodbye to regret, disappointment, fear, expectations and attachments (yes, another NY's resolution!)

Goodbye to my anti-social behavior - This week, I spent the day with Sarah on Monday, with BFF and Reb on Tuesday, with Mom, Dad and Bro on Wednesday, with BFF and Reb on Thursday (after my appointment with Dr. Acupuncture) then yesterday, I spent the day with BFF and Reb (we painted her dining room) but the big news is that I went out for Friday night munchies!  There were 10 people in the same room (I only lasted until 8pm but it's a start!).  I haven't gone to our weekly Friday munchies night at BFF's or Chris' for at least 4 months (at least!).  When I told Sarah about my night, she called me a social butterfly.   I'm baaaaaacccckkkkk :)

Goodbye to unread books - No satellite = more time for reading!  Did you think I was getting rid of the unread books?  I'm simply turning the unread books into read books :)

Goodbye to 2011 – this goodbye also includes everything I said goodbye to in 2011…sugar, “X”, self-hate, 30 pounds, alcohol, and so many other goodbyes that have lead to positive changes in my life. 

Is saying goodbye to so much in one week an atypical or typical phenomenon?   Are there always this many goodbyes in a week but I simply never noticed?  

Now that I'm noticing, I guess I say goodbye quite a bit in one day:  goodbye to my dreams and to my bed in the morning when I get up,  goodbye to my morning breath when I brush my teeth in the morning, goodbye to my growling stomach when I eat breakfast, goodbye to my cats when I leave for work,  goodbye to the gas station attendent after I fill the car with gas, goodbye to the Starbucks cashier then the barista after I get my venti soy chai latte, goodbye to the people I talk to on the phone throughout the day (including Sarah!), goodbye to the negative thoughts that creep into my head every now and then, goodbye to my colleagues at the end of the day, goodbye to the parking lot attendant after I pay for parking, goodbye to all of the yawning at the end of the day once my head hits my pillow.   Okay, so there are plenty of goodbyes in one day!   

But how necessary are goodbyes, anyways? 

During a “Men in Trees” marathon with BFF and Reb this week, I noticed the omission of the word “goodbye” in one of the scenes.   Marin was talking to her best friend Jane on the phone.  Jane said she had to go so Marin said "K" then hung up.   What?  No goodbye?  BFF said that she noticed on TV that people don't say goodbye on the phone so as Marin would phrase it on her radio show:  “Is saying goodbye pointless?”.

When I say goodbye to Sarah, Mom, Dad, Bro, BFF or Reb or other family and friends on the phone or in person, I usually say “bye” and “love you”.   But rarely do I cry as I’m leaving or hanging up.   So I’m back to where I started….why do I cry when I say goodbye to Sarah?  First of all, I need to acknowledge that I don’t cry every time I say goodbye to Sarah!  When I talk to her on the phone,  I don’t cry after we hang up (at least, I don’t anymore!) or while she was home over the Christmas break,  she went to visit family and friends but I didn’t cry when she left the house (well, rarely!).   When I visit my parents, or brother, or BFF,  or other family and friends, I say goodbye but I don’t cry.  When I leave the office, I say goodbye to my colleagues but I don’t cry.   When I’m on the phone with my brother,  and I say goodbye, I don’t cry.  Wait a minute…I just realized that my brother and I really struggle when it comes to saying goodbye on the phone.   We have somehow managed to get trapped in the awkward moment after you say goodbye on the phone, when you don’t know who should hang up first, then you end up saying goodbye over and over again until finally someone hangs up.   We really have fun with that goodbye…at least it’s fun for me :)

“A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it.”

~ Helen Rowland

Another goodbye that comes to mind is the “final” goodbye with an ex.   Now these goodbyes are usually quite torturous and are usually played out over time.   Have you ever struggled to find the words to say goodbye? 

Do we ever really know when to say goodbye to an ex?   What about the goodbyes that have come too soon or not soon enough?   Many of us struggle with the excruciatingly difficult goodbye that comes at the end of a relationship as evidenced by the plethora of love songs that have been written about goodbyes.  Have you ever chosen to say goodbye so you could avoid saying what you really wanted to say then had regrets?   I’m learning that a) there’s no sense looking back on my life with regret because whatever happened, happened that way for a reason; and b) if you have something to say, find the courage to say it now!  

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us." 

~Alexander Graham Bell~

When we say goodbye to something or someone, is it indubitable that we say hello to someone or something else?

When I say goodbye to Sarah, I'm saying hello to alone time (and to the joy in realizing that Sarah has found the courage to spread her wings!).  When I'm saying goodbye to my parents or brother after a visit, I'm saying hello to the open road with iTunes on shuffle, and some car dancing.  When I say goodbye to expectations and attachments, I'm saying hello to freedom.  When I say goodbye to an ex-boyfriend, I'm saying hello to the opportunity of meeting the man of my dreams.  When I say goodbye to the television, I'm saying hello to reading books, to playing piano, to learning how to knit.   When I said goodbye, with many kisses, to a boyfriend I wouldn’t be seeing for a few days, I was saying hello to more kisses upon our reunion (ahem!!!).   When I said goodbye to sugar, I was saying hello to my well-being (and to the realization that I love myself!).  When I said goodbye to 2011, I was saying hello to 2012, a year filled with unlimited opportunities for growth, freedom, grace, miracles, love, friendship, laughter, happiness, goodness, peace and abundance.   

Life is filled with goodbyes so instead of being filled with sadness when saying goodbye, let’s find a way to fill those goodbyes with joy; joy in knowing that saying goodbye means there’s a hello right around the corner.  I guess that’s why it’s called a “good” bye :)

Happy 2012!!! 


Cheers to a year filled with love, happiness, blessings, guidance, wisdom, success, peace, balance, boyfriend, grace, health, miracles, moments of creativity and brilliance, healing, smiles, friendship, goodness, blooging blogging, strength, gratitude, abundance and lots of drinking dancing and laughter!!!