Who Am I?

 “To be nobody but yourself in a world that is doing its best to make you just like everybody else means to fight the greatest battle there is to fight and to never stop fighting.” ~ E. E. Cummings

I’ve been blessed with people in my life who have helped me to discover who I am (you know who you are!);  without judgment or criticism;  with love, understanding and patience.  Sometimes we learn from experiences, from those we love, from those we don't love, from strangers, from a book we read or a movie we watch, from events, from love, from pain, from struggles, or from being still.  What I learned recently is that spending hours waiting in a hospital provides you with many opportunities for self-reflection.  Now don't worry, I wasn't the one needing to be treated!

Once you start examining self and being aware that everyone you meet is there to somehow help you become self-aware and learn, you start appreciating relationships in a way that's rewarding, enlightening and self-fulfilling.  This week, I discovered that no one can provide you with more opportunities for self-examinations than an ex-boyfriend.  Now I'm not recommending that you start reconnecting with your exes but if an opportunity presents itself, you might ask yourself “why?” and “should I?”.   Well, I did!

Life is so strange, isn't it?  X came back into my life when he recently fell ill.   His appendix had burst, and he didn’t even know it.   I convinced him to go to the hospital and within hours, I was driving him to another hospital for surgery.  Hearing the doctors and nurses say that he could have died (his appendix had most likely burst 7 – 10 days prior to his trip to the hospital!) was difficult to digest on many levels.  He was in the hospital for 4 days, and I was there with him as much as I could.  When he left the hospital, I wasn’t sure what would come of our relationship.  Did I come back into his life to be there for him during a difficult time?   Do I now walk away?  Or do I stay and see what happens?   Well, I stayed and this is what happened….

Another piece of me was revealed!  It was like finding a missing piece of the puzzle I’ve been working on for the last 39 years. 

Although my time with X was fleeting (and I believe has now come to an end), spending time with him has resulted in greater self-awareness.   I’ve been able to learn more about the attachments in my life, my expectations, and my need for perfection. 

“Living in fear of not being perfect is something that can actually destabilize us and narrow our scope of life experience.”  ~ Goldie Hawn

I’ve also learned more about the role fear, defensiveness and the need for love has played in my life.  All have been very destructive!   How do I deal?   Well, the first step is recognizing it, right?  Naturally, the second step would then be to draw a chart, right?   Seriously though, I did!  I drew myself a chart so I could have a visual of how my attachments, expectations and need for perfection have impacted and continue to impact my life.   All of this analysis was driving me crazy!   In that moment of craziness (yes, I recognize that drawing charts is crazy!), I realized that I just had to let go, surrender, and just be, and in that same moment (albeit for a brief moment!), I felt peace and acceptance because realizing that my expectations and my need for perfection were making me feel like I needed to be someone I’m not, was freeing.

I'm sure it's not a coincidence that I came across a poem from Rinpoche this week that helped me understand that when we try too hard to be, we might be losing a piece of ourselves.   

Free and Easy: A Spontaneous Vajra Song

Happiness cannot be found

through great effort and willpower,

but is already present,

in open relaxation and letting go.

Don't strain yourself,

there is nothing to do or undo.

Whatever momentarily arises

in the body-mind

has no real importance at all,

has little reality whatsoever.

Why identify with,

and become attached to it,

passing judgment upon it and ourselves?

Far better to simply

let the entire game happen on its own,

springing up and falling back like waves

without changing or manipulating anything

and notice how everything vanishes and reappears, magically,

again and again, time without end.

Only our searching for happiness

prevents us from seeing it.

It's like a vivid rainbow which you pursue

without ever catching,

or a dog chasing its own tail.

Although peace and happiness

do not exist as an actual thing or place,

it is always available

and accompanies you every instant.

Don't believe in the reality of good and bad experiences;

they are like today's ephemeral weather,

like rainbows in the sky.

Wanting to grasp the ungraspable,

you exhaust yourself in vain.

As soon as you open and relax

this tight fist of grasping,

infinite space is there -

open, inviting and comfortable.

Make use of this spaciousness,

this freedom and natural ease.

Don't search any further

looking for the great awakened elephant,

who is already resting quietly at home

in front of your own hearth.

Nothing to do or undo,

nothing to force,

nothing to want,

and nothing missing -

Emaho! Marvelous!

Everything happens by itself.

~ Venerable Lama Gendun Rinpoche

For so long, I tried to be someone I’m not because I believed that being me wasn’t good enough.   Unfortunately, I thought it was because other people made me feel that way but the truth is that I allowed myself to feel that way.   I often accused X of making me feel like being me wasn’t good enough but now I’m recognizing that the “me” who wasn’t good enough wasn’t really “me” because my expectations (of myself and others!) and need for perfection (from me and others!) were making me someone I’m not, and most importantly, were creating unhappiness in my life.  

I had one of the biggest aha! moments while watching Oprah's interview last week with Tony Robbins.  It was brought to light that in my search for love, I have tried to please men who couldn't be pleased unless I became something I wasn't.  Contrary to popular belief (my belief!), it wasn't the fault of the men, it was mine!  I was the one willing to change, to conform, to be someone I'm not but when you know better, you do better!   I know I'm not the only one who has struggled to be so when we meet someone, how do we know if we are meeting the authentic person?  How much energy does it take to keep up the "charade"?  Is it all an illusion? 

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” ~ Dr. Seuss

I’m realizing that it’s okay to be different, to not be willing to conform, to not be willing to change for the chance to be loved because I am already loved!   Striving to be “normal” or to be “someone I’m not” is no longer on my list of priorities because I’m learning to love who I am - all the good, all the bad, all the quirks, all the imperfections, all the beauty, all the ugliness, all the blessings.   When I try to be anything other than who I am, that’s when I make mistakes – assumptions, behaviour, perceptions, intentions, decisions, actions, etc.

“To thine own self be true.” ~ William Shakespeare (Hamlet)

I’m now beginning to appreciate that being me is effortless, but trying to be someone else is effortful.   I’m happiest when I’m being me!  Sure that may mean that I don't always say what others want to hear or do what others want me to do, I’m not out partying with friends, eating out, drinking, shopping, going on dates, having sex, and doing things that others would consider “fun” but what people need to understand is that I’m having “fun” being me – spending time alone or with family and friends, texting Sarah, meditating, reading, writing, volunteering at the clinic, eating chocolate, learning about (and practicing) Traditional Chinese Medicine and energy healing, dreaming about John Cusack, eating healthy, cooking, taking pleasure in a cup of tea, taking baths, playing learning to play piano, listening to music, dancing, learning to dubstep, going for walks, and laughing. 

Strangely enough, self-exploration has somehow changed who I am.  Maybe it’s not so much that the spirit of me has changed but rather my behaviour, my actions, my speech, my perception, my thoughts, my needs, my wants, my understanding and my priorities, among other things, have changed.    By discovering who I am, I’m also discovering that we are all the same.   Our struggles are the same.  Our happiness is the same.   Our pain is the same.  Our love is the same.   With this realization comes great compassion for humanity.    

“Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is enlightenment.” ~  Lao Tzu

Last week, something happened that proved to me that “I” have changed.  Sarah and I had an appointment to see the optometrist.  After my appointment, I asked Sarah to help me pick out a new pair of glasses.   I found two pairs that I liked, and was able to bring them home to facilitate the decision making process.   BFF came over to see them and took photos of me wearing the glasses so she could get Reb’s opinion.  I also texted and e-mailed the photos to family and friends to get their opinion.   The “old me” would have selected the pair that everyone else liked rather than pick what I preferred.  Guess what?  Regardless of the popular vote, I picked what I liked.  That’s a big step for me :)

Can you guess which pair I chose?  (don't mind the clothes, the hair and the acne cream on my face - these candid photos were obviously not taken for public consumption but what the hell!)

“Promise me you’ll always remember:

You’re braver than you believe;

And stronger than you seem;

And smarter than you think.”
~  Christopher Robin to Winnie The Pooh

Shortly before publishing my blog post, a friend posted that Winnie The Pooh quote on her Facebook page.  I thought it was fitting to include in my blog post today because it reminded me that we often underestimate our gifts and our abilities, and it's only in discovering who we are that we are able to discover what we are able to accomplish!

Speaking of accomplishments....

Believe it or not, this weekend is my last weekend spent in my 30s.    Next weekend I will be turning 40!   I know it’s hard to believe when you look at those photos :)

Yesterday, I watched Oprah’s Oscar Special.  During her interview with Octavia Spencer from The Help, she talked about turning 40.  This is what Oprah said to Octavia:

“When I interviewed Camille Cosby, I was about to turn 40, and Camille said to me: “Ooooooo girl, 40, it’s gonna get goooood!”.   And it does!   Just before you turn 40, you’re sort of ripe and open in a way that you haven’t been before.” 

I’ve never been one to care much about my age (which is very different than caring about celebrating my birthday!).    I was very indifferent about going from 19 to 20 or from 29 to 30 but this year seems different because if at 39 years old, I started to discover who I am, I can’t help but wonder what awaits me at 40 :)

“Be brave enough to live life creatively. The creative is the place where no one else has ever been. You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. You can't get there by bus, only by hard work and risk and by not quite knowing what you're doing. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover will be yourself. “ ~ Alan Alda