Power of the pigtails

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

What gives you the courage to face your fears?  Well, I recently discovered that wearing pigtails gives me courage.  Yes, that’s right!  Not only do my pigtails provide me with courage but I also experience joy, freedom and fun while wearing them.  There’s something about having pigtails that allows me to connect with my inner child which results in excitement, awe, inspiration and the courage to do things I never thought I could do. 

I will be honest and say that most of my life, I have been afraid to live.  Yes, that’s correct…afraid to live.   I’ve calculated the risk of every action in my life.  Sure, that analysis might make me a great scientist or chess player or allow me to solve the Rubik’s cube but it’s also resulted in a life not lived fully due to fear.    

But now, thanks to the pigtails, I’m living my life to the fullest!!!  So how was this new-found courage discovered? 

Well, it all started one Sunday morning while I was getting ready to volunteer at Dr. Acupuncture’s medical clinic.  Once a month, she hosts Volunteer Day where people with limited incomes can come in for free treatments provided by Dr. Acupuncture and her team of dedicated volunteers.  I volunteer in the morning to give cupping treatments then in the afternoon, I give Reiki treatments.  At the end of the day, Dr. Acupuncture leads a meditation session.  In July, Dr. Acupuncture asked me to guide the meditation for the next Volunteer Day…a dancing meditation!   As I was getting ready on that Sunday morning, I somehow found myself putting my hair in pigtails and what a difference those pigtails made!   That day, I was filled with confidence and joy, and my inner child was ready to have fun.   It was such an amazing feeling not to be filled with worry or fear but rather inspired to have fun. 

Well, I’m thrilled to say that the excitement I felt that day with my pigtails has grown exponentially. 

Every time I wear those pigtails, I’m filled with courage.  Even though people may look at me as if I’m crazy (a 40 year old woman wearing pigtails???), when I see myself in the mirror wearing the pigtails, I can’t help but smile.  The pigtails somehow remind me that I can either choose fear or love.    It’s so easy to choose love when you’re wearing pigtails :)

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”  ~ John Lennon         

So how have the pigtails changed my life? 

The most profound change has been finding the courage to step into my greatness.   I'm so grateful for Marianne Williamson's words of wisdom because I understand how important it is for each of us to let our lights shine bright:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”  ~ Marianne Williamson, Return to Love

Living my life fully has lead me to taking a hip hop class (yes, I can groove!) and to participate in my very first art workshop where I created my first magnum opus piece of art.

"Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up.” ~ Picasso

I’ve also learned that being spontaneous doesn’t have to be scary.   Fears come in all different shapes and sizes, and mine were numerous!   I’m a diligent planner so the thought of going on vacation without a plan, without a reservation, without knowing exactly where we were going, how much it would cost or what time we would arrive would have scared the shit crap out of me and lead to sleepless nights but on August 27th, when Sarah suggested that we go on a road trip to the East Coast, I embraced the idea, and on August 29th, we left on an impromptu mother-daughter road trip to Maine.  I’ve learned that not having a plan means that you don’t have to worry about staying on schedule.  Freedom!!!  We had so much fun being footloose in Maine :)

“Start by doing what’s necessary; then do what’s possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.” ~ St. Francis of Assisi

As you can see, I've been having lots of fun while wearing pigtails but the ultimate in fun-ness came this week during a trip to Las Vegas.  I did the impossible!  The most amazing pigtails experience ever!  I went SKYDIVING!!!  (yes, I have to put that word in capital letters!!!) I jumped out of a plane at 15,000 feet in Las Vegas (15,000 feet!!!).  The experience was not only amazing but it was magical!!!  I can’t even begin to describe the experience because there are no words.  Okay, maybe Rumi said it best:      

“You were born with wings”. ~ Rumi

Check out the video of my first skydiving experience: 

 “Our truest life is when we are in our dreams, awake.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

This is what PURE JOY looks like :)

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” ~ C.S. Lewis

The greatest gift the pigtails have given me is the courage to show my daughter what it means to live life to the fullest.  Instead of teaching her how to fear, the magic that comes from the pigtails is showing her how to live.   Remember that by living your life fully, you are giving someone else permission to live their life to the fullest.  We are gifts to each other … helping each other be who we are meant to be! 

So what will inspire you to live your life fully and courageously? 

 “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~e. e. Cummings

Go, Go Ego

“I began writing my journal when I was twelve.  I am still writing because I am compelled to find meaning in my experience.”  ~  Marion Woodman

Reading these words reminded me why I started blooging blogging.

“You’re not a born writer.  Every time I walk by, you’re gazing at the trees.  You think everything through and then you write down your conclusion.  A born writer would keep writing the process down.”  ~  Marion Woodman’s husband to Marion

Reading these words this weekend reminded me why I stopped blooging blogging.  

 

How could I go from posting on my blog once a day, to once a week, to once a month, to never?   Why did I start blooging blogging in the first place?  Why did I stop blooging blogging?

The truth? 

My ego!  

On December 28^th, 2010, I started this blog while watching Bridget Jones’ Diary.  Yes, I was inspired by Bridget Jones!  She reminded me that “just as you are” is perfect but thanks to the ego, perfect is never good enough! 

It has been 106 days since I last posted on my blog.  You have no idea how many blog posts I have started since publishing “My Birthday Gift” on April 22nd.   There was the blog post for Sarah’s birthday, for Mother’s Day, for Father’s Day, the Fear/Love blog post that I started and many more.  So what happened?   Well, the ego happened and now it's time to put my ego aside and start blooging blogging!  So here I am but how did I get here?   Get ready...I have to catch you up on the last 106 days  : )

Before I begin, happy belated birthday to Sarah....happy belated Mother's Day to Mom...happy belated Father's Day to Dad...and to all of the other special occasions that I missed on my blog...maybe next year???  :P

Okay, so a few weeks ago, Dr. Acupuncture asked me to guide the dancing meditation at the next Volunteer Day.  Dancing Meditation???  I didn’t know what it was but I knew if two of my favourite things (dancing and meditation!) were combined, it had to be a good thing!  So I immediately started to look for the perfect music (of course, it had to be perfect!).  Once I found the perfect music, I let Dr. Acupuncture know and I asked her if she wanted to hear it first.  Her response:  “No, that’s okay. I don’t have to hear it.”    Later she asked me if I could prepare something on “No ego, no expectations” to discuss prior to the dancing meditation.  Yikes!  My first thought:  “why would anyone want to hear me speak when Dr. Acupuncture, with all of her wisdom, is in the same room?”   Well, that was a nice start to preparing something on “no ego, no expectations”!  For two weeks, I meditated and reflected on “no ego, no expectations”.  The more I thought about it, the more aware I became of my own ego and of my own expectations (everything has to be perfect!).    I also became aware that my ego was responsible for all of these expectations.  Those expectations included expectations of myself and of others.  I also became aware of the expectations other people had of me.  Talk about being overwhelmed by expectations!  Who can realistically manage all of those expectations?   Wouldn’t it be easier if we no longer had any expectations?   To get rid of expectations, do we have to get rid of the ego?  Okay, so it was obvious that the only way I could prepare for the talk on “no ego, no expectations” was to write a dissertation on the ego.  Where would I start?   Oh yeah, let's start with a definition : )

According to the Oxford Dictionary, ego (noun) is defined as:

a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance:

Psychoanalysis: the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity. Compare with id and superego.

Philosophy (in metaphysics): a conscious thinking subject.

Okay, so there are three different definitions for ego but which one do I use?  Think, think, think!    How would I define my ego?   That’s easy:  my false self.   Okay, maybe it’s not that easy to put into words but I think that’s how my ego makes me feel because any time I think something good about myself, my ego argues with me so that’s how I know that it provides me with a false sense of who I am whether it’s a good thought (seldom!) or a bad thought (too often!).  

My ego’s profile:

·         False self

·         Controlling and possessive

·         Believes it is always right and everything/everyone else is wrong

·         Identifies itself with my possessions, my physical appearance, my job, with how much or how little money I have in my bank account, my knowledge, my education, my belief system, etc…

·         Always needs outside approval, recognition, justification and constant attention

·         Always wants to win, to be proven right and be better than others

·         Produces a tremendous amount of stress

·         Just "being" is never good enough

·         Jealous, impatient, hateful and mean

·         Un-authentic

·         My biggest fan one day and my biggest critic the next

So if my ego was on a dating site, that would be a pretty accurate description (I recognize that people aren't always honest on dating sites but my ego's profile would be 100% accurate!).  How would you describe your ego? 

When I think about my ego, I think about the words “my”, “mine” and “me”.  I believe my ego is always thinking “what’s in it for me?” and "I want, I want, I want!"  Of course, that leads to expectations and attachments.   When I visualize my ego, this is what I see:

Yup, if my ego had a physical appearance, it would look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings!  When I think of my ego’s attachments, I hear my ego say “My precious” exactly how Gollum refers to the ring.  We know that Gollum became obsessed with the ring but in reality, it was his ego that got attached to the ring, and thus turned him into the Gollum that scares the shit out of me every time I watch Lord of the Rings.  Not only does he scare me, he also makes me very sad because before he became Gollum, he was a hobbit named Smeagel.   The sadness and fear come from knowing that, in every moment, we can choose to be either Gollum or  Smeagel.  Who do you want to be?   

I must admit that I am grateful for my inner Gollum because it has provided me with contrast.   I was only able to see what was “real” and what was the “truth” when I saw what was "false".  Only at that point was I able to see my “true self”.  Now that I recognize the difference, it is time to say: "Go, Go Ego"!!!

“Midlife is the time to let go of an overdominant ego and to contemplate the deeper significance of human existence.” ~ C.G. Jung

(please note that you don't have to be "midlife" to let go of the ego but I connected greatly with the quote and I'm not even close to "midlife" yet!)

Dancing meditation is a great way to experience the difference between ego and “true self”.   It’s the difference between “doing” and “being” or to use the dance analogy, it’s the difference between the “dancer” and the “dance”.   

The best way to address the ego is to be aware of it, to recognize it when it creeps into your thoughts, your beliefs, your attitudes and your actions.  For me, meditation and reflection allow the ego to dissipate until I am left with a feeling of selflessness which is my “true self”. 

I recently started learning different mudras (hand positions) in yoga and meditation.  A well-known mudra is the Gyan mudra where the index finger and thumb join to complete a circle.  

  

What I learned is that the index finger symbolizes the ego while the thumb symbolizes the Universe/Divine/God (please note that there are many interpretations but I’ve chosen this one!) so when the two join to complete the circle, it signifies that we have surrendered to the Universe/Divine/God.  Also, the Gyan mudra represents knowledge and expansion.   As always, the timing of this information is perfect!

I also recently learned that when Vivekenanda, an Indian Saint of the 19th century, was asked how to get rid of the ego, he responded:

“In the springtime, observe the blossoms on the fruit trees vanish of themselves as the fruit grows. So too will the ego vanish as the divine grows within you.”

I encourage you to meditate or reflect on “no ego, no expectations”.  What appeared to me these last few weeks is that I need to shift, let go and surrender, in order to transform.   What’s the best (and fun-est!) way to let go and surrender?  Dancing meditation!!!

Now let’s dance!   

For the dancing meditation, the key is to “forget the dance, the ego, and become the dance”.  You must forget that “you” are dancing and begin to feel that you are the dance.  Only when the ego disappears does it become meditation.  Don’t force the dance, just let it flow.    

“Dance like there's nobody watching,

Love like you’ve never been hurt,

Sing like there's nobody listening,

And live like it's heaven on earth.”

Try it, you’ll love it!!!  Now I must admit that after my experience on Volunteer Day at the Clinic where the dancing meditation involved wearing blindfolds (no ego, remember!), I came home and thought “I need to blog about this!” because it certainly brings new meaning to “dance like no one is watching".  Well, here I am 9 days later and I’m blogging about it!   Wearing blindfolds, in a group setting, was a great way to truly experience the dancing meditation as opposed to being the dancer with an ego, who is dancing and thinking “I hope I don’t look like an idiot” or “she’s a much better dancer than me” or “why did I agree to do this?” or “I wonder if he’s judging me right now” or “is she laughing at me?”.   What's great is when the ego disappears, these thoughts disappear too.   Sure, we needed to be blindfolded to experience "no ego" but it worked!  Now I must admit that I wasn’t blindfolded because I was guiding the dancing meditation but being in a room full of people who are blindfolded provides the same experience – no ego!   

While I was getting ready to go to the clinic that day (I had also volunteered to do Chinese cupping and Reiki before the meditation), I decided to wear my hair in pig tails.  Yes, like a school girl!  Sarah said “Mom, you’re kind of losing your street cred with those pig tails”.   (Oh, that kid cracks me up!)  Well, after the dancing meditation, I realized that there was meaning to those pig tails because I had danced like I was wearing pig tails…I was a dance with pig tails!  I'm not sure exactly what "dance like your hair is in pig tails" means but it was freeing and it was magical!  

And that’s when this blog post really started to take shape.  What shape do you ask?  Well, keep reading…

So four weeks ago, I started taking a class on Tuesday nights with 12 amazing women and 1 man.  The course is called “From Critic to Coach” and it’s based on the book “Me First” by Betty Healey.  Both Betty and her husband Jim are the course “coaches”.   Every week, we get together to share and learn from each other.  It never ceases to amaze me how much we have in common yet on a daily basis, we tend to focus solely on our differences.  Geez, we sure do like to make ourselves miserable, don't we?!?  I must say that it’s so wonderful to feel safe enough to share my feelings, thoughts and experiences with other women (and man!), and to be inspired by everyone’s story.   My biggest aha! moment came when I realized that what “from critic to coach” really means to me is “from ego to heart”.   Hmmmmmm...

Also, I'm sure it's no coincidence that the week I decide to blog again, is the week we are asked to answer these questions:  What lights you up?  What have you given up in the past that you always wanted to return to?  What is your passion?   Hmmmmm....

Are you starting to see the shape that this blog was taking on inside of me?   The experiences just kept coming; pushing me to blog again….

So on August 2nd, I called my parents to wish them a happy anniversary (they celebrated their 45th wedding anniversary!!!) only to find out that they were married on August 5th not August 2nd!   Wow…I’ve only known about their wedding anniversary for 40 years so it’s easy to understand why I would forget such an important date, right?!!?   I was informed of my slight error when Dad called me on August 3rd to say thanks and to let me know that I was a few days early (duh!). We laughed about the message I had left…some long rambling message about being thankful that they met and married 45 years ago because had that not happened, I wouldn’t be here, Bro wouldn’t be here nor would Sarah.   I told him I would have to come up with an even better ramble on the actual day and he mentioned that I could blog about it.  You see, some people actually miss my blog.  Shocking, I know!  Any little encouragement to get me blogging again is always welcome but really, it doesn’t help.  Sarah has gently brought up the subject of “non-blogs” quite a few times but I could never bring myself to blog.  Sure, I started many times but never finished.   As I typed those last 8 words, I felt something deep inside of me twitch.  No, I’d rather not explore that twitch right now (a blog post for another day?)! Instead, let’s focus on another Twitch…

Yes, we went to see Step Up Revolution 3D this weekend (Sarah, Reb, Jess and me!) so I have Twitch on the brain.  He’s so damn cute and talented!  Did you see him do the upside down worm?  Amazing!   Taking hip hop classes is definitely on my “to do” list…if my ego permits!  :)

Okay so maybe the encouragement did work because here I am, right? 

Before I forget, I’d like to publicly acknowledge the tremendous feat that my parents have accomplished:

Happy 45^th wedding anniversary Mom and Dad!!!

Wishing you another 45 years of marital bliss :)

So far, the contributing factors to my blooging blogging return include encouragement and inspiration from family and friends, Dr. Acupuncture, the preparation for “No Ego, No Expectations”, dancing meditation, the study of mudras, “From Critic to Coach” classes and all of the wonderful women and man who participate and inspire me, Twitch, Lord of the Rings, and of course, Marion Woodman.   But wait, there’s more…

Last week, BFF posted a link to something on Facebook.  The title of the post was “In Omnia Paratus” so of course I had to check it out because it might be a reference to one of my favourite episodes of Gilmore Girls (You Jump, I Jump, Jack).  Of course, it was!  Not only was I pleasantly surprised about the reference, I was even more elated to see that it was the title of a blog written by Reb (BFF’s daughter and my NVD!).  What an inspiration!!!  I cried as I read her posts (there are only 3 so far but there are many more to come, I’m sure!) not because they were sad but because I felt so much joy reading them knowing that she had found something she connected with creatively.  The title of her first post is “Getting to know me as I get to know myself...”.  Hello, Reb is 14 years old!!!  She captured in 10 words exactly what I’ve been trying to understand about this “Just as you are” blog.   Thank you!!!

Writing is definitely important to me but it’s also something that makes me feel very vulnerable.  Ah, something else to add to my ego’s profile “makes feeling vulnerable a bad thing!”.   Journaling has always (as long as I can remember!) been an outlet and has helped me make sense of my thoughts, my beliefs, my feelings, my relationships, my actions and my experiences.   Through writing, I was able to find peace, if only in that moment.   That foundation of peace was shaken when “X” an ex-boyfriend decided to read parts of the journal he found on my bed.   Until that point, I never thought someone would break my heart trust by reading a journal that is clearly marked “PRIVATE” but it happened.   Sadly, I destroyed most of my journals after that happened, and it took me a while to get back to journaling.  Of course, I learned something very valuable from that experience: a) take a deep breath before you react to an emotionally painful experience and b) break up with that jack ass immediately after this happens…don’t move in with him!  b) keeping my thoughts and feelings hidden in a journal is like keeping myself hidden from the world (I know, I know, I've just revealed a piece of myself that doesn't really want to be revealed, hence, has been hidden, and thus, I will continue to write without elaborating on this point...yes, this is definitely a blog post for another day!).   So as I write about this experience, I’m reminded of how it has contributed to one of my life’s biggest lessons:  trust and accept that everything happens for a reason!

It’s amazing to believe that all of those experiences and learnings have led me to this blog post and to this life lesson on how to facilitate my “Go, Go Ego” manoeuvre (yes, it’s a daring manoeuvre!):

It appears to have taken me 106 days and 3,032 words to bring you the diagram that has changed my life.  Sure, I could have just presented you with the diagram in the blog post but it’s really the experiences that lead to understanding how to transform my life that needed to be shared.   Every experience brings us closer to understanding who we are and why we are here!  I know I’m not the only one out there who struggles à la ego so this blog post is for every person who has suffered, who is suffering or who will suffer.   Next time you hear that little voice in your head say “you’re not good enough” or “you’re not worthy” or “you can’t do that” or “what will people think?” or “don’t write that in your journal because someone might read it” or “don’t bother writing that blog post because no one wants to hear what you have to say”, bring those thoughts into your heart where only love flows and that little voice in your heart will say “you are good enough”, “you are worthy”, “you can do anything”, “you can trust” and “you are love”!  All it takes is a shift from ego to heart, letting go of expectations and attachments to trust and have faith, surrendering your fear to love, and only then will your suffering be transformed into peace and joy.   Isn’t that a better place to be?

Well, I must say that blogging again is a great place to be right now!   This week, Reb and Marion Woodman reminded me “why” I write:  it’s a great way to learn about myself and it helps me to find meaning in my experiences.   But while writing this blog post, I’m discovering that it’s not just about writing but it’s also about sharing.  By being able to share what you create with others, whether it’s writing, drawing, photography, cooking, painting, dancing or whatever your creative outlet may be, you are providing opportunities for others to learn from your experiences.  As a mother, I believe it's the greatest gift I can give my daughter (the person who inspires me the most!): to share my experiences with her so she can learn from them!   Instead of just sharing them with her, I choose to share them with you too...lucky you  : )   

Now if you’re saying to yourself:  “Well, I don’t have a creative outlet” this would be a good time to use the “go, go ego” manoeuvre and allow your creativity to flow.   Trust me, once you allow yourself to think “I am creative” (with your heart!) , you’ll be pleasantly surprised to see how creativity appears in your life (but that’s a blog post for another day!).

So don’t be afraid to create, to share, to inspire…regardless of what your ego tells you :)

“I have let go of almost everything that didn’t feel authentic to my soul.  I let go of everything that used to define me so I could allow my soul to start to define me.” ~ Sera Beak

My Birthday Gift

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” ~ Mark Twain

Remember me?  My apologies for not posting sooner but something has been holding me back from publishing this blog post.  I’ve had this blog post partially written since the weekend after my birthday but something has been missing.  Thankfully, experiences this week have blessed me with the material that I needed to have this blog post feel whole, and to finally publish it!  But first, I’m sure you’re curious to know what I’ve been up to for the last 7 weeks (yikes!). Well lucky for you, I’ve got lots to tell :)

So what have I been doing?

I celebrated my 40th birthday with family and friends. 

I spent lots of time in da club with family and friends (I’ve seen Sarah quite a bit in the last 7 weeks!)  

I tried to ignore the constant reminders that I am the sweaty cat lady (fur realz!).

The kitten (aka 'Lil Mini Bud) that has been
hanging out on my front porch all winter

Random cat sighting at my front window

Another random cat sighting at my window

  

BFF discovered that the little black kitten (see photo above) was pregnant so BFF, Reb and I brought her to the OSPCA to find a home for her and her unborn kitties. 

  

I relentlessly unsuccessfully entered the “Win a trip to Toronto to see Oprah” contest every day for 10 days (maybe more!)

I started juicing again.

I spent time with "X" (that's a blog post for another day!)

I read the books in The Hunger Games Trilogy.

I saw The Hunger Games movie with Sarah.

I attempted to spend as much time as possible outside.  

I'm all bundled up for a walk in the bush :)

I grew out my hair - it's now in a ponytail!

I worked and volunteered.   

I meditated and appreciated the silence. 

I successfully avoided the temptations of chocolate (there was Easter chocolate everywhere!)

I did everything but bloog blog!

Wow....it's amazing how easily I forgot what I did in the last 7 weeks!  When I first started writing this blog post, it was the weekend after my "girls weekend away to celebrate my birthday" weekend, and not only was I still on a high from celebrating my 40th birthday,  I was also celebrating the ridiculously gorgeous weather (twenty-something degrees Celsius in March!).  That weekend, I managed to take down the outside Christmas decorations (finally!), went for walks, opened all of the windows to air out the house and listened to the melodies of the birds and the wind chimes, and I read (I was hooked on The Hunger Games!).   What happened after that weekend seems to be a blur but I guess I managed to have some memories as I did come up with a list. 

Needless to say, the last 7 weeks have been extremely busy which have also contributed to being an absent-minded absent blooger blogger.  Please forgive me!  Now these three words have given me something to blog about...

Before I begin, can I just say:  Holy shit, I'm 40 years old!  I can't believe I’ve already accumulated 4 (four!) decades worth of experiences, of lessons, of heartache, of joy, of wisdom, of tears, of laughter, of love, and so much more!  Since we're technically celebrating my birthday in this blog post (yes, I take any chance I can get to celebrate!), I'd like to share my birthday song.  Every birthday deserves a song, don’t you think?  For the longest time, singing 50 Cents words seemed like a good time (it doesn't take much!) but I discovered a new song thanks to Sarah!   I'm happy to introduce you to my new birthday song: 

So maybe I didn't get high on my birthday (or even take a sip of alcohol for that matter!) as the song suggests but I can honestly say that I am high on life.  Sure, that probably sounds really tacky but I'm 40 now so just deal with it!

Now back to what I've been meaning to blog about....I digress!

The Thursday before my birthday, 4 days after I published my last blog post “Who am I?”, I woke up with an overwhelming feeling that my fear of making mistakes was stopping me from living my life.  Why am I feeling this fear all of a sudden?  Does it tie into my recent self-awareness that I have a need for perfection?  Does fear of making mistakes = imperfection?  With that feeling of fear came the feeling that I may be missing out on something because of my fear of making mistakes.  How could I take chances in life if I’m so afraid of making mistakes?  My mind, which is always 10 steps ahead of me, makes me very good at solving the Rubik’s Cube and at playing chess (please don’t challenge me to a game of chess or ask me to solve the Rubik’s Cube because I’m so out of practice...and I'm 40 now!) but makes it very difficult to live in the present so I’m constantly weighing the risks and benefits of every action and every decision that I make, trying to predict the outcome.  My brain is constantly in “cause and effect” mode.  Is my fear of making mistakes the problem?  Or is it my fear of not being able to recover from the mistake?  I also realized that much of my worry stems from my fear of other people's mistakes, and their impact on my life.  We all make mistakes so what’s so horrible about my mistakes?
 

“A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.” ~ Albert Einstein

A few hours after waking, I was on my way to see Dr. Acupuncture for my weekly appointment.  As you know from previous blog posts, Dr. Acupuncture gives me much more than just acupuncture because she’s also my teacher, my therapist, and my spiritual guide.  I told her about my thoughts upon waking that morning – fear of making mistakes and the impact it has had on my life.  What could it mean?   She asked me to reflect on what I do when I make a mistake or how I react when I make a mistake.  My first thought – I don’t make mistakes!  Seriously, that was my first thought (I’m so modest!).  Hmmmm...well, I guess I am perfect after all!   She told me not to answer but rather to reflect.  There was silence for a moment. As I type this, I realize that I know very few people with whom I feel comfortable in silence but with Dr. Acupuncture, I’m very comfortable with the silence because I don’t feel like we need to fill that space with words.  A slight digression...my apologies!  So after the silence, she told me a story about a butterfly and a swan.

We are all familiar with the life cycle of a butterfly which is known as metamorphosis, right?  The stages of a butterfly’s life cycle include: egg, larva (caterpillar), pupa (crysallis), and adult.  Dr. Acupuncture told the story of a butterfly who felt ugly at each stage of its life - it felt it was not as a beautiful as a butterfly.  As an egg, the butterfly thought it was ugly then when it became a caterpillar, it still thought it was ugly, and as a crysallis in the cocoon about to transform into a beautiful butterfly, it still thought it was ugly.  Only once it became a beautiful butterfly did it realize it was a beautiful butterfly all along.  Similarly, the story of the swan begins with the swan thinking it's ugly as a duckling and wishes it was as beautiful as a swan but only once it is an adult, does it realize it was a beautiful swan all along. 

These stories turned out to be an early birthday gift because they reminded me that whatever stage we are at in our lives, we are already the beautiful people we were born to be.   This is especially important for me to hear because I still have some facial paralysis (it's been almost 7 months!).  So remember, you don't have to wait until tomorrow to recognize your beauty.  You're already perfect just as you are :)

It's likely not a coincidence that I received a butterfly top as a birthday gift and my birthday "cake" was a fruit tray in the shape of a butterfly:

“Freedom is not worth having if it does not involve the freedom to make mistakes.” ~ Gandhi

After the story, she asked me what I’ve done or would do when someone I love has hurt me .   In that moment of silence, I struggled to find an answer.  Unlike her first question, she was waiting for an answer to this question but I didn’t have one. I was drawing a blank.  The thought of someone hurting me or having to think about past hurts stopped me in my tracks.   I told her I didn’t know.  Not easy words for a “need for perfection” kind of girl!  Once again, silence.  She put the needles in me and before leaving the room, she asked me to focus on these two questions: 

“What do I do when I make a mistake?”

“What do I do when someone I love hurts me”

I closed my eyes, and within seconds, the answer comes to me in the form of bright lights on a billboard:

FORGIVENESS

In that moment, I found myself forgiving the people who have hurt me (intentionally or unknowingly) and asking for forgiveness from those I have hurt (intentionally or unknowingly).   It was such an incredibly beautiful moment!  What seemed like a “moment” actually lasted 1 ½ hours!  The time seemed to fly as I was forgiving and asking for forgiveness.  As I left the clinic, it felt like I was floating.  I felt so free, so light, so peaceful and happy after releasing so much of the hate, guilt, shame, sadness and resentment that have built up inside of me from years of unforgiveness.   Forgiveness set me free. 

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” ~ Herman Hesse

Now at this point, you’re probably wondering about that special moment that made me get back to blooging blogging.  Well, it was an epiphany of sorts.  One of those aha! moments that make you smile with delight (only after the dust has settled!). 

On Monday, Bro and I were in the car and he asked me why I kept saying sorry.  I honestly didn’t notice but I guess I said it after I grabbed something in the back seat, after I stumbled on my words placing his order at the drive-thru,  after my napkins flew onto his lap, etc.   It didn’t occur to me that this would make good blogging material until I was approached by my neighbour (not to be confused with “Neighbour” whom I am very fond of!).   I’m sure you’re thinking “this better be good because saying sorry to your brother for silly incidents just isn’t cutting it as the reason for your big return to blooging blogging”! 

On Monday evening, I pulled into the driveway and got out of my car, dripping with sweat because I was coming back from my workout (oops…I forgot to mention that I now workout!) and because it was 30 degrees Celsius (on April 16th…imagine?!?).   As I’m approaching my house, the neighbour calls my name and asks me if I’ve seen a little black cat.  A black cat that is pregnant.  I said “yes, I brought her to the OSPCA”.  He looked puzzled and said “that’s my cat”.  I was initially confused then I started to feel the steam rising within me and was about to spew out horrible, nasty words when I took a deep breath and said “and you left the kitten outside all winter?”  I quickly continued with “do you know that the little kitten broke my heart, seeing her at my window every single day, in the freezing cold, not knowing if she would survive the winter?”   His response:  “We put out a box and blanket for her” which was quickly followed by “so now I’ll have to pay to get her back?”  I wanted to scream but I took another deep breath and asked him if his other cat was fixed (the big black cat that was “raping” the little kitten in the middle of the night, waking me with her shrieks!).   He confirmed that his cat was not fixed so I said “aren’t there enough cats running around homeless in our neighbourhood?”   I’m not quite sure why I said that but I’m not very good with confrontation so I'll leave it at that.  He then told me that his youngest son has cried himself to sleep every night since the cat disappeared.   In that moment, I wanted to cry and explain to him how much I love animals, and how seeing that kitten outside in the freezing cold broke my heart as did hearing her get "raped" every night by his cat, on my front porch.   Instead, I looked at him and said “sorry” then walked away. 

When I came into the house, I realized that I was a little shaken up by the experience.   People who don’t take care about their pets shouldn’t be able to have them!   Never did I see my neighbours giving that kitten any love.  When you have a cat or a dog, aren’t you supposed to give them shelter, food, water and love?  I was giving the kitten tuna every day partially out of guilt for not being able to give her a loving home (I already have two cats!) but mostly because I didn’t want her to die of starvation since dying from the freezing cold was a likely scenario. 

Once I settled down, I texted Sarah and BFF to tell them what happened then I juiced beets, beet greens, spinach, cucumber, celery, parsley, pear, watermelon, ginger, lemon and carrot.  Isn't that what you're supposed to do after a stressful confrontation?  With my yummy juice in hand, I sat down and reviewed what happened.  My first thought:  why the hell did I say sorry?  I have nothing to be sorry about because I did what I thought was best for that kitten and her unborn babies.  The likelihood that the kitten would have survived giving birth outside were slim and the survival of her babies even slimmer!  I texted BFF:  “Poopoo on bad pet owners!”, then realized that I may be on my neighbour’s shit list but I stand by what I did.  I did what I thought was best for that ‘lil mini bud (that’s as close to a pet name that I could get!) and her unborn babies.  That’s when I had the aha! moment: is saying sorry really how we ask for forgiveness or is it just something we say to make ourselves feel better or is it just something we say to get out of an uncomfortable situation?   In that moment, not only was I aware of how easy it is to speak "words without meaning" but mostly, I understood the difference between an apology and forgiveness:  forgiveness can be granted without an apology.  Although it does feel pretty darn good to hear it :)

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

~  Mahatma Gandhi

Since the “forgiveness” session with Dr. Acupuncture, the “forgiveness” theme has been showing up in my life in many different ways.   I watched an episode of Oprah’s Lifeclass: The Tour yesterday and guess what it was about?   The power of forgiveness!    How could I not finish writing my blog post today after watching that show yesterday?  Throughout the entire show, I was very busy jotting down quotes in my Quote journal (yes, I have a journal filled with quotes…are you really that surprised?).  Guests on her show included Tony Robbins (yum!), Deepak Chopra, Iyanla Vanzant and Bishop T.D. Jakes.  

“Until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed.  You can bandage the bleeding with food, alcohol, drugs, sex, work but eventually it will stain your life and you will continue to bleed.  You have to find the strength to pull out the core of your pain, the memory, and make peace with it.”  ~ Iyanla Vanzant

“Holding on to resentment is like holding your breath. You’ll soon start to suffocate.” ~ Deepak Chopra

“Unforgiveness unchecked becomes a cancer in our soul.”  Bishop T.D. Jakes

Iyanla Vanzant, Deepak Chopra and Bishop T.D. Jakes talked about how pain and hurt that are left unaddressed and unforgiven resurface.   Deepak explained that pain/hurt that are unaddressed shows itself as anger and hostility while the anticipation of the pain/hurt in the future (because you didn’t know how to deal with it in the past!) shows up as fear and anxiety, and the redirection of pain/hurt back at yourself shows up as guilt and shame.  The depletion of energy that happens with all of the above is depression.  Every single aspect of this manifests itself physically.  Basically, if you don’t forgive, you get sick! 

“Everything that has happened in the past becomes a force to leverage you into the future.”  ~ Oprah

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” ~ Oprah

Once you start to forgive, you slowly begin to realize that everything has happened just as it needed to happen (even the shitty stuff!) and that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  The truth is that we don’t have any control over what happened to us in the past (the past is behind us!) so it’s best to just LET IT GO!!!    

“To move into the blessings of our future, we must first relinquish the pains of the past.”  Bishop T.D. Jakes

I’m learning that unforgiveness can negatively affect our emotions, our health, our relationships – all aspects of our life!   When people have hurt you, it’s difficult to forgive but I have realized that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself not the person that hurt you. Let’s be clear…by forgiving, you’re not saying that what the other person did to you was okay.  You’re simply setting yourself free from the pain.  But I must admit, I’ve been wondering:  to heal, do I need to forgive AND forget?  

You know the saying “forgive and forget”, right?  Well, the answer to my question was presented to me yesterday while watching Bishop T.D. Jakes on Oprah’s Lifeclass.  He said that by forgetting, we lose the wisdom that can be extracted from the incident.  You want to remember what happened, lest you repeat it again.  We’re wiser today than we were yesterday.  We’re stronger today than we were yesterday.  We’re better today than we were yesterday.  That’s because there were some lessons that we needed to learn - to be wiser, to be more compassionate, to be more understanding, to be kinder, to be more loving, etc...  So much has been born from it so we want to remember it, we just don’t want to become imprisoned by it.  We become imprisoned by it when we don’t forgive it.   He talked about extracting and excreting.  We know that our body can extract nutrients and excrete the garbage.  Well, it turns out that we can also do this on an emotional and spiritual level.   When something bad happens to us, we should extract the wisdom then excrete whatever is left which is the pain, the hurt, the guilt, the shame, the resentment, the sadness, etc…  Go ahead and give it a try:  start extracting and excreting the moments that have caused you pain!   Most importantly, forgive! 

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.” ~ Robert Muller

It’s amazing to me how the puzzle pieces of my life come together, one piece at a time, and at exactly the right moment. 

On my birthday, which was 3 days after my “forgiveness” session with Dr. Acupuncture, while walking back to our hotel from the restaurant (vegetarian Mexican food…yum!) after enjoying my birthday dinner with Sarah, BFF and Reb , we passed a newspaper box that caught my eye.   On the front page of a major newspaper, the headline jumped out at me:

FORGIVEN

The universe seems to have a wonderful way of sending messages to us!  The article wasn’t important; it was just the headline that mattered to me.  Every time I passed a newspaper box, I whispered “thank you”.  I have forgiven so many people but the most challenging part was asking for forgiveness for the pain I have caused others and to forgive myself (this is an on-going process...releasing the guilt and shame!) but there it was on my birthday, in large print:  I had been forgiven!  Forgiveness…what a wonderful birthday gift!
 

There's a divine blueprint for a perfect day today, regardless what happened yesterday. We show up for it by forgiving ourselves and others.” ~ Marianne

Today, we celebrate Earth Day. 

On behalf of all humanity,
I'm asking for forgiveness

for all of the damage we have done!