Because you love me

On Mother’s Day, I was on a plane with Sarah bound for Vancouver.  It was a wonderful way of spending time with my daughter, trapped on a flight for a total of 6 + hours (she couldn't not spend time with her mother!).  Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to spend the day with my mother but fortunately, the three generations of women (Sarah’s now 18 so I guess I can call her a woman, right?), spent some time together the day before we left for British Columbia (I'll share more about our trip in a future blog post...oh the anticipation, I know!).  We brought Nanny her annual gift of a hanging flower basket along with some chocolates (I must confess that they were Easter chocolates from the clearance shelf but they were Lindor chocolates so that’s okay, right?) and two “Happy Mother’s Day” cards that let her know how much we love her and how lucky we feel to have her in our lives.  The cards made her cry…mission accomplished! :)

Of course, it would only be à propos to dedicate a blog post to my mother (right?).  Yes, I’m a few weeks late but thankfully my mom knows that sometimes things don’t happen when they should happen; unlike me who expects things to happen when they’re “supposed” to happen (yes, double standards…of course!). 

So Mom, today I’d like to dedicate this blog post to you.  To let you know how much I love you, how much of a role model you are to me, how much I cherish the time we spend together, how much I respect your opinion even if the truth sometimes feels brutal, how much I admire your ability to communicate and never give up a fight, especially when you are fighting for the people that you love, how much I envy your “kick ass”, your “in your face”, and your fearless attitude, how much I emulate your work ethic and your commitment to our community (your volunteer work is so admirable!), how much I appreciate the support you have given me (and Sarah and our entire family) over the years, and how much you’ve sacrificed for the people you love.  You have taught me so much!!!  I now understand (and so greatly appreciate) the sacrifices that mothers make for their children and for that, I’m eternally grateful!!!

I’m struggling to clearly articulate what you mean to me (to us!).  You’re an amazing mother, grandmother, wife (Dad would want me to say that to you…remember when he’d ask me to go out and buy a card for you from him?) and friend.  Once I became a mother, you became an even more important role model in my life.  It made me realize how selfish I was as a child, and how much I misunderstood your role as a mother.  Now I get it!  So the only thing I can say now is “I’m sorry” for all of the times that I didn’t listen when you were trying to teach, or laughed when you were being serious, or avoided you when you tried to get my attention, or disrespected you when you deserved only respect, or when I left the house after being grounded, or when I lied to you because I didn’t trust that you’d understand, or when I kept the truth from you because I didn’t want to burden you.  For all of that and so much more, I’m sorry. 

Since Sarah has questioned how much I remember about her childhood, I guess it’s only fair (okay maybe it’s a little unfair!) that I question you on how much you remember about my childhood (I must admit that my memory isn’t the best when I think about my own childhood but I’ll give it a shot):

• Remember when my elementary school banned shorts but on a blistering hot day, you sent us to school in shorts regardless of the new “no shorts at school” law?  Of course, we were sent back home but you didn’t give up without a fight!   I remember and am thankful.   
• Remember when we would sit together at the dinner table while I did my homework?  You were especially good at helping me with English homework (you always had me repeat, over and over again, the words I needed to spell for my spelling bees which lead to me getting 100% every time!) while Dad helped me with my French homework and Math homework (even if he made me do my divisions the "old-fashioned" way!).  I remember and am thankful. 
• Remember when my first boyfriend and I broke up?  I was devastated (oh young love!), in my bedroom crying, and you came to my room, sat on my bed and tried to console me?  I remember and am thankful.
• Remember when you were "trapped" in the birthing room, when I was giving birth to Sarah, but you stayed calm and remained supportive, even though you wanted to pass out from the sight of so much blood?  I remember and am thankful.

Oh there are so many more memories but I don’t want to embarrass you (remember the turkey dinner at Christmas that was left for us to salvage because you had too many white Russian drinks and ended up in bed early?) or make you cry so I’ll leave it there.  Just know that I have so many fond memories of you (so many memories of us laughing together until we cried and couldn't see anymore!) and am looking forward to creating so many more memories with you.  Imagine all of the memories we’ll have to share once you become a great-grandmother (of course that’s not for another 10 + years AT LEAST!) then a great-great-grandmother :)

We have been through so much together….the good, the bad and the ugly…but throughout, we have remained a strong family unit and it’s all because of you!!!  Thank you so much for keeping our family strong and for always reminding of us of how much we are loved.   I am who I am because you love me unconditionally and because you always assured me that I’m enough…just as I am!  I hope you know how much you are loved…just as you are!!! 

Happy (belated) Mother’s Day!!!  I LOVE YOU MOM XOXOXO

Of course, my Mom didn’t do it alone (she was the boss though…sorry Dad!!!).  I also have an equally amazing Dad (check out my blog post to celebrate my Dad's birthday "He's Da Man") who allowed me to be me.  You have both “raised me up” when I needed it the most (and when I didn't think I needed it but really did!) and for that I’m so grateful!!! You’re an amazing team :)

 

P.S.  I forgot to mention that my Mom's birthday is this week too so HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!

When I grow up

20 years old.          1st year of university.          Summer.          Pregnant. 

Sure, most people can’t relate to my story but I’m not here to tell you my story.  I’m here to celebrate the greatest gift I’ve ever been given. 

It was 18 years ago today, while watching Seinfeld in the basement of my parents’ house that I experienced my first labour pain.  FUCKING OUCH!  That Thursday started off as a typical day in the life of a post-secondary student.  I biked to my summer job (working in a garden centre) then half way through my shift my water broke s-l-o-w-l-y.  I ended up in the bathroom every 15 minutes to pee (at least I thought it was pee!) then I walked my bike back home after work.  What I didn’t realize is that I was in the early stages of labour!  I sat on the couch (oh that beautiful flowered couch!), started watching Seinfeld then the rest is history!  At the age of 21, I became a momma!  Sarah was born at 5:46am two days before Mother’s Day.  What a wonderful Mother’s Day gift! 

Some would say that being a single mother is difficult.  Sure it is but when you are surrounded by family and friends, it ends up truly being a village that raises a child.  The truth is that I could not have done it without my parents who took on a greater role than just being grandparents, and for that, I’m eternally grateful to them (the truth is that I still look to them for support!).  Next up on my gratitude list?  My brother!  He has not only been amazingly supportive but he is a wonderful uncle.  Next up?  BFF!  She has been a second mother to Sarah (we call her NVM: non-vag mom!) so much so that when we went through the “terrible teens” (what parent-teenager relationship doesn’t go through rough patches?), she actually referred to BFF as her mother instead of me (it’s okay…I was a teenager once so I understand!).   BFF’s daughters have become Sarah’s sisters (yes, we’re one big happy family!!!).  She has an especially special bond with her little “sister” Reb (my NVD!).  BFF’s entire family (especially Nan, Pa, Chris, Jess and Andy) have also become important people in Sarah’s life.  For that I’m so grateful!  I’d also like to mention someone who is no longer with us but who played an important role in Sarah’s life (and mine!).  Sarah had an amazing babysitter who passed away a couple of years ago after a long battle with cancer.  Lyn, I think of you often!  There are, of course, too many people to mention (no doubt, I will miss someone very important in our lives and for missing you, I’m sorry!) including aunts (Lise, Jeanne), uncles (Alain, Mike, Denis and Ross), cousins, our entire family, our entire extended family, colleagues, friends and teachers (some better than others!) who have all played an important role in our lives: the mother-daughter duo! 

Now that I’ve talked about how we survived “just the two of us” over the last 18 years, it’s time to talk about my beloved daughter because when I grow up…I want to be just like her!!!

From the time she was born, Sarah has brought so much joy into so many people’s lives.  Especially mine!  So many memories (mostly good ones though, right Sare?) from breastfeeding (I had to mention that!) to bath time to teething to eating her first solid food to drop-offs at the babysitters to her first day of school (whether she liked it or not, I took a photo of her on the first day of school from Pre-Kindergarten to Grade 12…and I think I might be there taking photos on her first day at university too but I’ll probably be hiding in a bush like the paparazzi…just sayin’) to her first time on a tricycle to her first time on a bicycle with training wheels to her first time on a bicycle (without the training wheels!) to her first trip to Cooper Marsh to her first trip to Parc Safari to her first time trick-or-treating to her first trip to Disney World to her first time in the ocean to her first time catching a crab in the ocean (not that kind of crab!) to her first sleepover to the first time she saw Santa Claus to her first Easter egg hunt at Nanny and Poppa's to her first immunization to her first scraped knee to her first camping trip to her first time in the canoe to all the times we played with her Barbie dolls to all of the times I said "no" to playing with her Barbie dolls (sorry!) to her first time kayaking to her first blood test to her first time on a swing to her first time seeing a clown to her first time swimming to her first report card to her first attempt at getting her ears pierced (there was more than one attempt!) to shopping for her first bra to her first trip to the East Coast to her first trip to the West Coast to her first time in a plane to the first time I heard her say "fuck" to her first date to her first time behind the wheel (ugh!).  Every memory is magical! 

Sarah often says to me “Mom, remember when blah, blah, blah?” and I’ll say “No, sorry I don’t” then she’ll respond “Do you remember anything about my childhood?”  Well, Sarah, I might not remember what the pizza tasted like at Disney World (I think it was the Toy Story restaurant) when you were four years old (“It was the best pizza EVER, Mom!”) but I do remember many, many, many things.  For instance, do you remember when you got a kernel of corn stuck in your nose?  Or do you remember when you fell off of your bike and quickly jumped up with your arms up in the air saying “I’m okay, I’m okay”?  Or do you remember watching oodles of Barney on television and saying "Barney Purple"? Or do you remember when you found the first sand dollar in the Maritimes?  Or do you remember the first time you picked dandelions for me?  Or do you remember when we used to rake all of the leaves in Nanny and Poppa's back yard and you'd jump in the pile of leaves?  Or do you remember the first time you drew me a picture?  Or do you remember the breakfast you prepared for me on Mother’s Day when you were 8 years old?  Or do you remember the first time we went tobogganing?  Or do you remember when you had chicken pox?  Or do you remember the tea parties we had with your dolls and stuffed toys?  Or do you remember when you used to sneak into bed with me at night?  Or do you remember when we read “Love you Forever” together (or any book for that matter)?  Or do  you remember the first poem you wrote? Or do you remember every time you said “I love you Mom”?  Because I do :)

Oh Sarah…I’m so proud of you!  You have grown up to be such a loving, caring, giving, compassionate and kind human being.  I beam with pride every time I think of you (which is often!) or I’m around you.  You know those few times that you actually grace me with your presence?  Ah…teenagers!  Don’t worry Sarah, I was a teenager once too (a long time ago!) so I know that hanging out with your Mom isn’t your #1 priority.  Yes, I do sit at home and cry when you’re out with friends but don’t worry about me, I’m okay (at least, I pretend to be!)!  Where do I begin?  You have a natural ability to make people smile with your small (and big) gestures…opening a door for someone, picking up litter, baking your momma a sugar-free cupcake, picking up something at the grocery store for me while you’re out, volunteering your time for the Cancer Society, helping Nanny with something on the computer, the list is endless.  From a very young age, you not only had lots of love for people but also for animals.  There was always a bird, or a squirrel or a crab, or a frog, or a hamster, or a spider, or a bee, or a cat or a dog that needed to be “saved”.  Remember when you told me that you wanted to be a vegetarian?  You were only 10 years old (can you believe that you’ve been a vegetarian for 8 years?!?) when you announced that you no longer wanted animals to be killed for your consumption.  You were so young but already, you had discovered compassion for all living things.  Of course, my first thought was "what will you eat?"  No more chicken nuggets???  Could you survive on just corn and rice because your three favourite foods, at the time, were chicken nuggets, rice and corn?  But eventually we found a way to work together (we’re a good team!) and cooked some healthy, vegetarian meals (you were always more capable than me at cooking but I’ve come a long way!).  We (and all leaving creatures!) are so lucky to have you in our lives! 

Although we don’t share all of the same interests (scream-o music..yuck!), I’m so glad we share a love of reading, a love of nature, a love of camping, a love of Gilmore Girls, a love of clothes and shoes (oops..that’s just you!), a love of environmental and social justice, a love of all things Glee, a love of shopping (oops...that's you and Nanny!), a love of food, a love of travel, a love of mathematics (oops…that’s just me!), a love of arts and culture, and a love of family. 

In a way, we kind of grew up together.  You grew into a teenager while I grew into a woman (not an old woman!).  Please know that you have taught me as much as I have taught you (maybe even more!).

I don’t know what I’m going to do when you leave for university in September.  I think I might have to move too.  Just kidding…or maybe I’m not :P

We have so much more to experience together…Italy, Paris, South Africa, Banff and Lake Louise, watching Rent, Breakin', and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo" (you will eventually watch them with me!), waiting in line to see “Gilmore Girls:  The Movie”, another Mariah Carey concert (?), exploring museums and art galleries, discovering new vegetarian restaurants, Gilmore Girls marathons, more trips to our favourite places (PEI and BC!), and LOTS of hanging out (so I guess that means more following you around a shopping mall!).

I've already mentioned some of your qualities including being loving, caring, giving, compassionate and kind, but you have so many more…you are beautiful (inside and out!), you’re intelligent, you’re a talented artist and writer, you’re creative, you’re funny, you’re strong-willed, you’re passionate, you have incredible depth, you’re shy but friendly, you're loyal, you're inspiring, you're respectful, you’re proud, you’re sensitive, you’re a terrific cook, you speak from your heart, you have strong values and principles, you’re fair, you work hard (even if you inherited my procrastination!), you’re resilient, and you’re generous.   In my eyes, you are perfect!  I do, however, recognize that with all of those wonderful qualities/gifts comes great responsibility so here’s my prayer for you:

“That you open your heart and your mind to possibilities that you have not dreamed of and to realms of joy you have hardly imagined;

That you live fully and love deeply;

That you breathe and smile;

That you relax, enjoy, laugh and play;

That you let go, forgive and accept;

That you find meaningful work so you can serve and contribute;

That you listen, learn and inquire;

That you consider and reflect;

That you cultivate contentment, friendship and flexibility;

That you lighten up, expand, evolve, open up and include;

That you dream;

That you celebrate, appreciate and give thanks;

That you share, give and receive;

That you walk softly and live gently;

That you surrender and trust;

That you continue to be free to live, to soar, to create, to love, to feel passion for good, and to do the good with passion.”

I am so blessed to have you in my life!  Happy Birthday Sarebear…I love you!!! 

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

P.S.  Happy Mother’s Day to my Mom (you’re the best!!!) and to all mothers…aren’t we lucky? :)

P.P.S.  I'm motivated, now more than ever, to write my memoir "Chai tea for two: a mother, a daughter and their journey together through life".  Sarah - are you ready to start writing your chapters?