Confession alert! Hmmmm...I wonder what kind of lies I’ve told.
“You look great in that outfit!”
“Your ass doesn't look big in those jeans.”
“You’re the best I’ve ever had!” (ahem!)
My best lie is usually my response to this question: “Hey Trace, how are you?” Well, guess what? When I say “I'm fine”, it’s actually a lie (sorry!). What I’m really trying to say is “I’m fucked” or “I'm fucking pissed” or "I'm fucking depressed" so my response starts out with "I’m ffffffffffffff...." but ends up coming out as "I'm ffffff.....fine"! Well, I guess the cat’s out of the bag now but don’t worry, my response is usually “good” or “great” or “aite” (that’s right, I’m so hip I say “aite” instead of “alright”!) so no need to worry about how you’ll react when I say “fine”, the next time you see me :)
When I was 6 or 7 years old, I got my first pair of glasses (yes, I was a dork back then too but it had nothing to do with whether or not I wore glasses!). A few years ago, a friend casually mentioned my "colour-blindness" during a conversation. I thought maybe it was a joke so I waited for the punchline but when it became clear that it was a sincere question, I told her that I wasn't colour blind then once again, waited for the punchline (I'm a dork, remember?). She began telling the story (she told it much better than I!) of when I first got my glasses (when I was 6 or 7 years old!), and I told people that I needed the glasses because I was colour blind (how the hell did she remember that?). If she only knew that a) I'm blind as a bat, well actually, bats are not blind, so let me rephrase that, I'm near-sighted so without my glasses, I can't see anything that is a foot away from my face, and b) you can’t correct colour-blindness with glasses (at least not in the 70's and 80's!). So I apologize to anyone who may have been traumatized by my lie or thought that colour-blindness had been corrected with glasses. I seriously don't remember telling anyone that I was colour blind. Maybe she was lying to me or maybe it was a joke afterall but I missed the punchline?
Okay, so that’s an example of a lie (if it was a lie!) that doesn’t make any sense. Pretty much like most lies that a young child would tell – there’s really no motive, no rhyme or reason!
Another lie (wow, I didn't realize how easy this could be!) that I remember telling when I was a kid was told when I was in Grade 7 or 8. Remember how much drama there was at that age? Well, there are actually two lies I remember telling, the first being that I was “too sick” to go to a dance but was seen by a friend’s mother while I was out and about with other friends when I should have been at the dance with her daughter (no, it wasn't that kind of dance!). Please note that I had to tell that lie to avoid getting my ass kicked at the dance by a tough chick who found out that the boy she liked actually liked me. The second lie was later telling her (before she tried to kick my ass!) that I didn’t like him so she wouldn’t hurt me (I was such a wuss back then...actually still am!). Geez, to think I could be married to that boy had I not lied about my feelings for him :)
Around the same time, I read a book called Little White Lies to help me get through the pain of lying (okay, the pain was actually in getting caught in the lie but I doubt there was really that much pain but I'm sure the book provided a much needed distraction...isn't that what books are for!). At that age, I was obsessed with reading “romance” novels from the series “Sweet Valley High” and “Sweet Dreams” which were Junior High “Harlequin” novels. Funny how I can remember things from when I was a tween when most days, I can barely remember my phone number!
Have you ever told a lie to avoid getting into trouble? "My dog ate my assignment" or "The power went off in the night so my alarm didn't go off this morning" or possibly "I swear I wasn't drinking (hiccup)."
What about a lie that's told to save face or avoid embarrassment such as “Nah, I didn’t really like him anyways.” or “I’m buying all of this chocolate for Sarah.”
Well, my last confession is a lie that I told my parents to preserve my dignity. When I was in Grade 6, I decided to cut my own bangs. Sounds pretty harmless, right? Unfortunately, looking in the mirror while cutting your bangs when you're as uncoordinated as me resulted in...wait for it...the worst hair day EVER! When I exited the hair salon/bathroom, my parents asked "did you cut your hair?" and I said "no", actually it was probably more like "NOOOOOOO!" in the most whiniest voice EVER! So off to school I went, having the worst hair day EVER! When I say my bangs were crooked, I mean they were an inch long in one spot, two inches long in another then a half an inch in another. Because I have a cowlick or as I'd like to call it, a heart-shaped face, where my bangs were an inch or shorter in length, the hair stuck out at a 90 degree angle. Needless to say, there was no way I could hide the fact that I got a haircut! When I got home from school, an intervention was imminent. My parents sat me down and asked me again "did you cut your hair?" Again, I responded "NOOOOO!". Geez, Mom and Dad, don't you think I'm having a bad enough (hair) day without your constant nagging (said in the whiniest voice EVER!). So my parents informed me that the sink had been clogged that morning with freshly-cut hair so again, they asked "did you cut your hair?" and again I answered "NOOOOOOO!". Okay, so I'm not really sure how it went down that somber day but what I do know is that my parents brought me to the hairdresser to fix my hair, and I believe I even lied to the hairdresser when she asked me if I had cut my bangs. I'm not quite sure how she was able to fix my hair that day but what I do know for sure is that I was being faithful to my lie in order to avoid the embarrassment of being such a horrible hairstylist :)
What about the hypocritical lies we tell? “No, I’ve never had a sip of alcohol” when asked by your child if you ever got drunk.
I wonder how many lies I've been told?
“You look great in that outfit!”
“Your ass doesn't look big in those jeans.”
“That was the best meal I’ve ever eaten!"
"OMG! I love your blog!"
"You don't have a big mouth, now take your shovel and go eat your dinner."
“You don't have a big nose, now take this bed sheet and go blow your nose."
Yes folks, that’s my pathetic attempt at incorporating humour into my blog. :)
What about the lies we are told by the government, or better yet politicians while on the campaign trail? Ronald Reagan was quoted as saying: “I'm not smart enough to lie”. Well, I’m sure many politicians before and after him have uttered those same words! I believe that this statement would constitute “lying through his teeth”; an idiom that conjures the image of a man with a condescending pseudo-smile on his face while he spews the lies told on a campaign trail or while in office.
What about the lies parents tell their kids? Picture this: a child who has heard his/her parents say ”You’re a great singer!” so many times that he/she begins to believe that he/she will be the next Usher/Mariah Carey. The next thing you know, he/she is auditioning for American Idol which results in crushed dreams, trauma from parental deceit and sadly, he/she ends up on the blooper reel for worst audition EVER!
Finally, the most harmful lies are the lies you tell yourself!
“I look great in this outfit!”
“My ass doesn't look big in these jeans.”
“I'm having such a great time on this date. I think he might be the one!”
“I’m really good at this
“I’ll stop after one piece of chocolate. I won’t eat the entire box.”
“I absolutely NEED these new shoes and this new purse.”
"I can't live without him!"
“He's good for me.”
“I love him” or better yet “he loves me”. The latter is especially true for the mistresses out there. I've never been a "mistress" but I'm guessing that women (and men) must be weaving an intricate web of lies in order to stay in those unhealthy, deceitful, it's gonna get ugly then end in heartbreak relationships (have you seen the movie Unfaithful or the music video for Rihanna's "Unfaithful"...need I say more?). I'm guess that those self-directed lies must go something like this (thanks to Hannah for posting this video on Facebook today because it's a great addition to today's blog post!):
The song that’s been stuck in my head the entire time I’ve been writing this blog post is Fleetwood Mac’s “Little Lies”. Don’t you just love music videos from the 80’s?!? Good luck getting this song out of your head (muhahahahaha!).
The only other songs I could think of were “Lies” Elton John and “Lies” by En Vogue and “Unfaithful” by Rihanna.
The only movies that come to mind when I think of lies are the following:
True Lies with Jamie Lee Curtis and Arnold Schwarzenegger (the inspiration for this blog post!)\
Liar, Liar with Jim Carrey
The Truman Show with Jim Carrey (Sarah and I love this movie! You’re right, it’s not a movie about lies necessarily but many lies are told to poor Truman, in order to film this “reality” television show. Hmmmm....who knows? Maybe we're all being lied to right now and our life on this planet is one big experiment! Regardless of why we are here - that's a blog post for another day - if you haven’t seen the movie yet, you must!)
The Invention of Lying with Ricky Gervais and Jennifer Garner (it wasn’t a great movie but it was certainly original!)
Adaptation with Nicholas Cage (one of my favourite movies! Again, it’s not a movie about lying but one of the twins which are played brilliantly by Nicholas Cage pretends to be the other which is essentially lying. If you haven’t seen it, it’s another film that’s worth seeing!)
Unfaithful with Diane Lane, Richard Gere and Olivier Martinez (Okay, it’s not necessarily a movie about lies but let’s face it, Diane Lane tells many lies so she can get it on with Olivier Martinez...can you blame her? No, I’m not condoning cheating!!!)
The first book that comes to my mind is a so-called memoir, A Million Little Pieces, by James Frey. Did anyone see this
I can’t think of any other books that have a story line that revolves around lies but let’s face it, there’s usually a lie or two or more that are told in novels. What about biographies? There’s usually a point when the author calls out their own (redemption!) or another person’s lie. For example, in one of my favourite books, Pillars of the Earth, a lie is the catalyst for unravelling a web of lies:
“Jack and Jonathan find Ellen in the forest and put together the story of Jonathan’s birth and abandonment. Ellen reluctantly comes to Kingsbridge to testify on Philip’s behalf. When Waleran Bigod accuses her of lying, Ellen turns the tables by accusing Waleran Bigod of lying about Jack’s father years ago, a lie that sent Jack’s father to the gallows. Bigod tries to resist the charge, but a repentant Remigius speaks up—the previous prior of Kingsbridge had participated in the lie to gain a few villages for the priory, to disguise his bad management. Remigius had taken his confession, and believes the decline of Kingsbridge priory before Philip’s arrival was because of this sin. Percy Hamleigh participated in the lie and gained his position at Hamleigh. Waleran Bigod participated in the lie and became an archdeacon. Waleran Bigod and his handpicked judge hurry from the proceeding, with Jack demanding that Bigod explain why they had lied in order to kill his father.” - Chapter synopsis from RichardWarren Field’s blog
There's no way I could have briefly explained the intricate web of lies weaved by the characters in a novel that is almost 1,000 pages long so I was extremely happy to find a synopsis that perfectly communicated my point! If you haven’t already read Pillars of the Earth, I highly recommend it!
Do you watch the television show The Big Bang Theory? If you don't watch it, I'd prefer if you'd never read my blog again (or just lie and say you watch it!). Just kidding (or am I serious?)! Regardless, you need to watch this magical gem of a sitcom! What does this have to do with my blog post? Well, I'm glad you asked! In one episode, Leonard lies to Penny so he doesn't have to go see her perform in a theatre performance of "Rent" (it's impossible for me to believe that someone could so brilliantly integrate Comedy + Theme song from Barenaked Ladies + Math + Science + Geeks + Broadway!) but Sheldon is afraid that the lie will be revealed resulting in a humiliated Leonard and a heartbroken Penny so he goes to great lengths to ensure that Leonard is able to back up his original lie with a web of new lies. The moral of the story is to just tell the truth or suck it up and go to your friend's performance, even if she sucks!
Oh happy day!!! I'm delirious with joy because I have finally found an opportunity to celebrate The Big Bang Theory in my blog :)
After sobering up, I started searching for quotes about lies, and came upon a website dedicated to lies. Yes, it sounds pretty lame but the site is presented in a way that makes you think about the information that is found on the web...is everything you read true or factual? If you have nothing to do (you're reading my blog, right?), check out Dave’s Web of Lies.
“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
"There are lies, damned lies and statistics.” ~ Mark Twain (I love Mark Twain and I love this quote! For all of you statistics-loving
Okay, so I hate to propagate quotes from evil people but this is a good one to remember in order to ensure history doesn’t repeat itself. Consider this a lesson on how not to live your life!
“Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it. ~ Adolph Hitler
And finally....
"The truth shall set you free". ~ The Bible
I feel funny going from using a quote from
So nothing helps us tell the truth better than
Pina Colada Quinoa
Ingredients:
1 cup quinoa
1 14 oz can coconut milk
1 14 oz can crushed pineapple
1 Tbsp sugar
1 tsp pure vanilla extract
Directions:
- In a medium saucepan, bring the quinoa and coconut milk to a boil. Cover, reduce heat to low and simmer for 10 minutes. Turn off heat and leave standing for 6 more minutes.
- Drain the pineapple, reserving the juice. Stir 1/2 cup of the pineapple juice into the cooked quinoa. Add the sugar and vanilla then mix well.
- Stir the crushed pineapple into the mix and serve.
- Keeps for 2 days in a sealed container in the fridge.
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| Pina Colada Quinoa or as BFF has observed, this could be a photo of a planet...possibly Planet PCQ :) |
P.S. Apologies to my family (mostly Dad!), to children who read my blog and to the people who are more prudish than I for using the "F" word in my blog. I'd be lying if I said "I'll never do it again!" :)
